When does intimacy between friends (husband and a female friend) cross the line? Advice needed please

[Afternoonlemonandhoney]

Can people who are potentially attracted to each other form friendships and still be true to their marriage? I believe they can...But as the friendship evolves, I'm not too sure. Feeling comfortable around someone is a blessing. But if they are starting to feel very close emotionally, it may be a big warning sign?

My husband has a close female friend. They share a hobby twice a week for about 2 hours each time.
It looks like a good friendship only but I kind of want to draw the line at them meeting up. AIBU??

How would you feel, what would you DO? Thank you!!!

Oh come on, Bluntness! Can't you see why the OP is worried?

I would worry if I felt there was an secrecy - hiding his phone or lying about how often he sees her. Also if he tried to stop me from meeting her

No I wouldn't be happy with that. My husband has a few female friends but they were there before me. He doesn't see them very much but if he does meet them for a coffee or similar I'm perfectly comfortable with that. Clearly your not comfortable so I think that in itself is an issue.

I can't say i would be thrilled at DH spending so much time alone with another woman. I would feel jealous, yes and closed out. As for what would I do? I'd probably try to get to know her as well, invite her and her partner if she has one around of a Saturday evening, and try to get over my own insecurities. I wouldn't start banning them spending time together, I don't think that path leads anywhere good.

I think it depends on the friendship, how intimate they are and if you think they are attracted to each other. If there are issues there then you need to address it with him. If they're just friends then avoid anything until/if there is a problem.

A lot of my friends are male but that doesn't mean I'm attracted to them or want a relationship with any of them, we just get on well and I get on well with their girlfriends because they know there is no chance at all of anything other than friendship.

Why would you want to meet someone who your partner does his hobby with? They play a round of golf. Presumably they met at the golf club so that is their shared interest. If the OP was interested in golf she could join the golf club as well. Would you maybe prefer to go back to the days where women were only allowed in on certain days or not at all.

@satanstoenailsandwich

I can't say i would be thrilled at DH spending so much time alone with another woman. I would feel jealous, yes and closed out.

Yep this! IMO, the women who come on here and say they'd be absolutely fine with their man being BFF with another woman (that they don't know,) and doing stuff and sharing stuff that doesn't include them, are so full it.

And isn't it funny how these female friends of said DH never know his wife/are not friends with his wife?

And there is always a 'I am bi, so aren't I allowed friends?!' poster!

THEN someone comes along with the little old chestnut 'would you feel the same if the friend was a man OP???!'

Of COURSE she bloody wouldn't! Daft nonsensical question that is.

People need to quit pretending that they wouldn't care if THEIR DH/DP had a special female friend (who they don't know!) that they share stuff/hobbies/thought/secrets with, because it's just not true. Of course you would care.

Do they ever meet up apart from the golf? If they did, would you be invited too?

So should a person only enjoy a hobby that their partner enjoys? Or is a completely solo hobby?

My husband meets up with a woman about once a week to do a hobby. I’ve met her and like her, I’ve met her husband too. I don’t own my husband and he can socialise with anyone he likes. I have to trust him and see how things turn out 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would draw the line at a female best friend. Im fine with my dp being friends with women. I expect him to be able to be friends with women etc, but a female BFF, no way. I couldnt cope with that. I would feel really anxious about it. I think id feel less threatened by him having a one night stand than i would about him having a female best friend

Golf together once a week could be because they like golf, or it could be because they like each other. It’s impossible for any of us to say. I wouldn’t like it myself.

It might be an unpopular opinion but in my experience close friendships between straight men and women always have an element of attraction, at least on one side.
Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex but we tend to meet them in a group setting or in a double-date set up. I would not be comfortable with regular one to one meet-ups, I don't think hubby would be either, if I was going off to hang out with another man. We're not the jealous/possessive types and we both have our separate hobbies but it would just feel inappropriate.

I agree @Overthinker1988, IME also, at least one of the M / F "friends" is often attracted to the other.

“How would you feel if the friend was a man??”
“why don’t you invite her out for lunch??”
“So men and women can’t just be friends then???? PAH”

Same. Old. MN. Hackneyed. Bullshit.

I don't think it matters what other people do in their own relationships. You are uncomfortable with this friendship. Therefore I would speak to your DH about it. It can be in a non accusing, non threatening way. Just say "I'm getting some uncomfortable feelings about this friendship and would like to talk about it". IMO you can then often gauge if you have anything to worry about. If your DH seems surprised and immediately reassures you, he's unlikely to have considered her in "that" way. If he gets defensive or angry, then you maybe have something to worry about.

Only you know the vibes you get, we can sit here and say we wouldn’t be happy or we would be happy but honestly imo YOU can tell, my partner has female friends who dont bother me, however he works with a woman who is clearly smitten with him, I get no smitten vibes from him so I’m not worried but you can just tell instantly I think!

I would feel uneasy about that unless I had seen them together and was positive that there was no attraction between them. (And even then I might not be thrilled if they seemed to be getting closer and closer and spending even more time alone together. Attraction can be difficult to gauge from the outside.)

If you're feeling worried, that's what matters. I'd advise communication and following your gut. Your husband should take your concerns seriously, as you presumably would if he were the one worried about one of your friendships. If he seems resistant to hearing you out and putting himself in your shoes, that would increase my concern. Even if there's nothing to it, he should care enough to want to lay your fears to rest. Your relationship should be the priority-- protecting and strengthening it. All other friendships should be less important than the marriage.

@littlehappyhippo what am I meant to do then? Because I am bi, I have had relationships with, and am attracted to, men and women. If the issue with male and female friendship is potential attraction, who am I meant be friends with? Straight women and gay men only?
And my husband does have two very close female friends. I genuinely do not feel as tho they're a threat to the marriage, and they predate our relationship.

Obviously if the op is uncomfortable, she should talk to him, but the idea that everyone is the same as you is childish tbh.

My best friend is male and single, and I'm not remotely attracted to him physically. I didn't want to sleep with him when I was married, and I still don't want to sleep with him now that I'm a widow and available. I don't understand why some women assume that any female who likes their husband is automatically lusting after them too.

I'm glad my late husband wasn't threatened by our friendship, and I hope I'd have been the same had he had a female best friend.

I honestly don't mind my DH having close female friends - I think it's good for him to speak with other women. He will often invite me out with them too but sees them without me as well. We are 30 and DH is very attractive but I know he fancies and loves me. But ultimately that's irrelevant to you if you feel uncomfortable with your DHs relationship you should talk to him. I would prefer to meet the woman so I could see their relationship dynamic

@Stoptheworldandmelt I still think its different dynamics. Im bi too, but ive rarely had female friends pursuing me or vice versa, whereas men, you barely have to be friendly to them and they think youve got the hots for them

@Branleuse maybe it's the company you keep? I have a hobby that requires residential away training a few weekends a year, lots of alcohol, no partners and very little overlap with people there knowing people's partners at home etc. Plus a long weekends away working together, living in v close proximity for 3-6 days at a time. Some of the closest friends I've had there for over a decade are men and none of them have assumed I fancy them, and I've not had sex with any of them.

Overthinker1988

It might be an unpopular opinion but in my experience close friendships between straight men and women always have an element of attraction, at least on one side.
Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex but we tend to meet them in a group setting or in a double-date set up. I would not be comfortable with regular one to one meet-ups, I don't think hubby would be either, if I was going off to hang out with another man. We're not the jealous/possessive types and we both have our separate hobbies but it would just feel inappropriate.

EXACTLY. Thanks!

@SleepingStandingUp Maybe. Admittedly not so much now as when younger, but got really fed up of always seeming to end up in situations with men where it turned out they were interested in me and I thought we had just been chatting, or were just friends. Nowadays im wary. I also notice that men I know, who have female close friends, invariably shine a torch for them, and the women either dont know, or quite like it.
Dont get me wrong, I do have male friends who im very fond of, just not close ones as too easy for lines to be blurred and emotional affairs I think are worse than shagging someone.