I really don't know what to do and cant see the wood for the trees as I realise I am too close to this situation. So I don't drip feed, I will lay out the backstory, although maybe some isn't relevant?? im not sure.
I split from my ex 2.5 years ago. It wasn't amicable, - far from it, I left him. My MIL always disliked me despite my very best efforts to gain her approval. During our 21 year marriage, visits were always strained, lots of underhand passive aggressive nasty comments made to me, and my exDH never stood up for me. I never stood up to her until it was directed at my child. One incident when my eldest was 8 she started the silent treatment with her, and I cracked and told her her behaviour was unacceptable and I wouldn't allow it. This resulted in her leaving early and flouncing back to her home country, she never apologised or owned what she had done, and never spoke to me for years afterwards. After much pressure from my DH, I relented and I apologised to her (I know, Im a pushover!) and we continued as before - several long visits a year (3 weeks sometimes at a time), with lots of underhand passive aggressive comments. It used to cause me severe anxiety.
Anyway, several years later, I allowed my eldest daughter (12 at the time), to visit her in her country for a week solo. During that week, she was relentlessly vile about me to my daughter, accused me of being a monster, and my daughter (in full stroppy teen mode prior to the visit), came back a different person and our relationship was severely damaged by it. It took a long time for us to recover. My ex (who never stood up for me, let alone his children) barely said anything to her about it, and she essentially was not called out on it. Me and her never spoke from then on, and if she visited, she went to a local BnB and I left the house and never saw her and my DH and the kids saw her solo.
4 years later we divorced, and it was awful, she certainly fuelled the fires with that and made it a lot lot worse, and encouraged my exDH to behave unfairly towards me and show me no respect; she loathes me with a passion. That's all fair enough, I really don't care how she feels about me tbh, i dont need to know about it or deal with her at all anymore, and she is entitled to her opinion of me.
HOWEVER, i do care about her shouting that opinion to my children. Since the split, (its been 2.5 years) she has said awful things to all my children about me. Particularly the eldest who is now 19. She visits a couple of times a year, for a few weeks at a time. I have 100 per cent care of all my children, but my youngest DD's (9 and 11) usually visit their dad on a Saturday in the day for a 4-5 hours. My son, (18), speaks on messenger to her almost daily. They are very very close. And when she visits he stays the whole time at his dads with her there.
In January, ex-MIL visited and she said some pretty abhorrent stuff even for her to my children. She told my 11 year old that I was a terrible mother because I didn't punish her or send her to school (she is homeschooled as she has severe anxiety (especially around reading) and ASD, and severe dyslexia). She told her she will never get a job or learn to read properly (she still cant due to her issues and she has a specialist tutor for this). She said to my son,( who also has ASD and is very vulnerable), that I stole all his dads money (I didn't - he got the house), that I will be the cause of his poor dad breaking his back and becoming homeless (again this is not based on any sort of truth or logic), and again that Im a terrible mother because i don't punish etc. My DD (19) overheard her say to my exDH that she wishes I was dead and she hates me.
This really upset my children, particularly the two with special needs, and there were very confused. I spoke about it to my ex at the time and the usual minimising occurred. Prior to her next visit (which is now), over the past couple of months I have insisted this can never happen again, it is incredibly damaging, and I wont have it. He seemed to be, finally, on the same page. He reassured me over and over that he felt as strongly as I did, it couldn't go on, and he had had several words with her about it, and he was confident nothing would be said. So, I decided to allow them to visit and she has been here a week, with another to go.
MyDD (19) visited them at the weekend and has just informed me that over the weekend she said to her and her new boyfriend (who she had only just met) how awful I was for not punishing her siblings for a recent incident. And she went on and on about how terrible it was, and how I gave them no discipline. She then went, 'well you know how I feel about your mother, and started shaking her head'. My DD said, 'I don't want to talk about that as it upsets me', and my exMIL shook her head and walked off. She was very upset by this, and I asked her to please inform her dad immediately and this is serious as it shows she is not going to comply, and is likely to say negative things to her younger siblings. She told me she is scared to because her dad said prior to the visit, 'I don't want you to cause any trouble' and 'dont' share with your mum if you overhear anything'.
So --- here's my concern. My DS (18) is there now and still staying for the rest of the week. My DD(11) and DD (9), are due to visit for the day on Saturday.
So I guess this is a more WWYD? rather than AIBU.
Thank you all so much as I am one stressed mum right now.