To worry I'll never be good at work again?

[VeniceQueen2004]

I had a child who is now nearly three, went on maternity leave for a year, worked from home in my old job for three months then started a new job 18 months ago. The week I started my new job, my mother died by suicide. I was obviously traumatised and it took me a while to hit the ground running at work - took about a week off with stress about 4 months after the funeral, had a lot of counselling (12 sessions in all over about a year) - work were very supportive throughout.

However, well over a year later I find I still have ongoing problems with focus, attention and anxiety. My job is very disparate and high pressure at the moment which doesn't help. I just feel consistently out of my depth, can't cope, spend a lot of time procrastinating as I feel panicky when I try to work.

The problem is I can't unpick whether this is just I have the wrong job, if it is some sort of ongoing 'baby brain' and maternity leave has broken me from being able to think/use my brain properly, or still grief/trauma - I feel like the latter would be more excusable but tbh I think I'm coping well with the bereavement now and only occasionally can I directly ascribe my feelings/behaviour to intrusive thoughts about my mum etc - more often I just seem to be kind of 'out of it', have a hard time focusing or thinking deeply - for example I used to read books all the time before having a baby, now I never do even when I have spare time, I spend loads of time on Mumsnet without even really paying attention to what I'm seeing, in general I am really distracted and lazy.

I feel basically like I've become think which I hate because I have always been really clever and worked best under intense pressure. Now I just crumble, panic, comfort eat and distract myself with rubbish. I dream of taking some incredibly 'dumb' job I could do in my sleep, but I need to keep bringing my share of money in and I think DP already wonders what happened to the person he moved in with - he'd lose respect for me completely if I went backwards in my career and left him to carry the can financially (he already contributes more than his fair share as higher earner).

I don't really know what I'm asking - why, I suppose, with a shit-ton of work to do today, instead of doing it I'm fretting, panicking and then reading/posting on MN instead of feeling able to just tackle it. Is it still grief manifesting strangely? Have I just become lazy/thick on mat leave? Am I out of my depth and need to step down??

I know no-one can tell me without knowing me but I just feel so confused and hopeless and worried I can't keep things from crashing down.

Become thick ffs. See what I mean!

So today I had to go home at lunchtime in tears because I just couldn't handle things any more, stuff just seemed to be flying at me from all directions and I feel like such s failure and am letting people down... Did some work between 10 and midnight tonight and managed so much better, could easily do another couple of hours I feel like and only stopped because ths laptop died...but peaking productivity at 9pm-2am is no use when you have s child who wakes up at 6 and a job from 8-4!

Would really welcome any advice/suggestions/armchair diagnoses at this point, I can't go on like this

Also told my boss when asking to go home I feel like I've been promoted beyond my ability and she said she didn't think that for a moment and I was very capable and my work was fine... But can I believe that or is that just what people say when faced with a weeping subordinate?

Having a prioritisation meeting tomorrow... But I'm worried she's going to try and take work off me which will just make me feel more useless as it proves I just can't hack it...

Would it be so very bad if some of the work was lifted off you? You sound exhausted to me. And very likely still grieving (I’m sorry for your loss).

You don’t need to do, and achieve, everything TODAY. It’s ok to rest if you need to.

Sounds like anxiety to me. Quick fix is GP and some medication. Longer term is talking therapy.
It's fixable :)

Imposter syndrome?

Please go and see your GP for a full blood count. I felt similar and it turned out my iron levels were alarmingly low and caused the majority of my feelings.

You sound drained to me, needing to numb your brain after emotional upheaval.

Is your dp supportive, does he have empathy?

Sorry, OP. All I can offer is commiseration. I've also gone through an extended very stressful time and I'm also feeling that I'm not at my best (plus I have an almost-three year old). I have an online therapist who's great and she attributes it to stress. It can take us longer to recover than we expect.

I tend also to think life is just a lot more complicated when one has kids. There are so many more things to juggle. It's really hard.

I can relate to the intrusive thoughts, it is not nice, it's scary as hell and often all too consuming.

You do not come across as incapable or lazy, it is quite obvious you have gone through a lot of changes of late and horrible circumstances have left you feeling not like yourself. You however are not to blame, life has dealt you a bad hand the last while but you can get to grips with it with the right help.

You can do your work but perhaps right now you need to focus on your mental health, please go to see your GP and don't bottle things up, speak to your partner too, no one can help if no one knows what is going on.

he'd lose respect for me completely if I went backwards in my career and left him to carry the can financially (he already contributes more than his fair share as higher earner).

??????

Are you serious?

You and DP are a family unit. You are supposed to support each other through thick and thin. That includes financially.

You sound desperately alone and unsupported. Is DP part of the problem here? Sounds like you are not confiding in him how you are feeling. Can't tell from your posts whether that's because you have cut yourself off with guilt or because he has been unsupportive in the past. Either way I'd hope you could have a full and frank discussion about how shitty things are for you at the moment and what you need from him to help you move forward.

I think any loving partner would rather their OH was happy than bringing in an extra few quid. Assuming all basics are covered of course, it's different if you are literally struggling to pay bills, then there's not much choice. But soldiering on like this you are just going to burn out and have a breakdown, which is going to make you unable to work anyway never mind the impact on you and DC. You sound like you have got total tunnel vision and talked yourself into being utterly miserable for no good reason, you're not on the breadline after all.

I hope you can talk to DP and get some perspective.

It's not DP's fault although I don't see him as s support for my mental health. We've had s rough run since baby was born, relationship isn't what it was and he's never been very emotionally articulate or empathetic. He lost his own father this summer, who he had a difficult relationship with, and is coping really well so he doesn't understand why I'm still struggling so much so far down the line. He was very practically supportive when it happened with my mum, and there for me as much as he can be emotionally. None of it is his fault.

We also work in the same organisation so I feel like my failures reflect on him somehow, which I know is silly but I do

Thanks for the kind replies and ideas. I'll go to the GP for medication and ask to be put on the list for CBT for my concentration problems and my binge eating. I thought of this before but I'm worried about medication making my concentration worse or killing my libido which is only just returning to the point I don't hate having sex (extended breastfeeding the cause I think) - and that will just cause other problems in my relationship which as I say is already a bit strained post child.

Thanks for the advice kind people.

You are my people, OP. So much of what you said resonates with me.

I really feel like your DP needs to be more supportive - you sound a little bit defensive about this. Seems a bit odd. Almost as if you are bound to keep pleasing him - doesn't sound healthy and not a relationship based on love - quite unequal - especially when you talk about its not what he signed up. There's a theme of letting people down? Sorry , I am being an armchair psychologist.

Try and stop and breathe and relax. I can empathise about being promoted early as I am going through that too and I hope that other people can add advice. I am going to Google imposter syndrome today :)

I will reply more later but be kind to yourself today.

I think you’re still traumatised and your brain is shutting down when you’re stressed to protect you. You’ve had a lot of stressful events over a short period of time with the loss of your mum being traumatic and you’ve not had time to heal.
I’d definitely suggest going back to your GP and getting a referral for more specialist services, 12 sessions of counselling is a not a huge amount. Take whatever support your work is offering you knowing that you need time to be able to focus on yourself before you can give your everything to work.

Thanks @DocusDiplo and sorry to hear you've struggled with similar!

Counselling was all about dealing with my guilt over my mother's death and feeling she'd done it because I'd let her down. Counsellor said this seemed to be part of s wider picture of taking too much responsibility for others' happiness and fear I'll be hated/abandoned if I don't meet their expectations - said this was likely to be rooted in dysfunctional family dynamic being raised by two mentally ill people.so o have a lot of insight into what my mind's doing here, I just can't make it stop!!

I hope you are finding some comfort in these responses. A further thought is that you have gone through some very difficult times.

A few years ago I suffered from ptsd and depression having previously been blessed with extremely good mental health. I had been very focused, proud of my academic achievements, career orientated.

I spent a long time trying to get back to the person I was, it took me a long time to realise that person was a ghost who belonged in my past. My experiences had changed me, once I realised that I started the process of making the new me the best I could be, working with my new strengths and weaknesses, I now like the new me much better than the old.

Explore who you are with a therapist, your partner must either embrace the real current you or not. But you can’t let yourself be imprisoned by another persons outdated expectations of you.

It doesn't help that my role is in transition and there are two new people at work essentially doing aspects of the same job as me. And they're both brilliant - far far better than me and more knowledgeable even though I've been here 1.5 years - they're really curious and dynamic and go beyond, make improvements. They're impressive. While I can barely keep on top of things. I feel so ashamed. Today is a bad day for this. All I want is to hide.

I'm voting for anxiety and a poor work culture fit - I've struggled more at work since I had children and took a welcome back step a few years ago. A lot of parents who are the primary carer do this. The mental load with children is huge.

@Lifeover - thanks for this. I find it terrifying to think I may be this way forever, I can't function and just feel so worthless all the time (except with my daughter). I don't want to be "changed". But maybe I have to accept it - my mind has had an amputation or something and I'll never be like I was. I just think I'll lose everything - money, respect, probably my partner's love, any sense of competence. I don't want this to be my new normal.

What an awful time you have had. 18 months is actually still a new bereavement, especially such a close and traumatic one.

Seek and take any support you can get from work, your GP, friends, partner. My own DP is pretty rubbish at emotional support but excellent at practical help so I accept that and get emotional support from female friends.

Find an activity where you can clear your mind. Yoga, walking whatever. Reading will come back but it might work to start by listening to some short stories, then reading some. Switching off with numbing activity such as MN and eating is common but you are recognising it. Small steps towards moving away from these will help you achieve your aim.

Look into mindfulness, it can really work.

Best wishes to you. I hope you get all the support you deserve. Your work are happy with your performance, let that speak for itself. Break your day into small chunks to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

And breathe.

OP, you have had so much go on since (and including) the birth of your DC. New job, baby and unexpected bereavement. It has a MASSIVE affect on your emotional, mental and physical health and it is taking it's toll. Oh, and baby brain is a real thing!
See the GP for medication and advice but I'd suggest getting signed of sick for a couple of months. You need the break to get your head straight and you aren't coping.
I would also suggest looking for a new job or going part-time if possible.

*effect

We are all changing all the time. You say you’re great with your daughter. That’s fantastic, that in itself is more than many people manage ever. Being a great mum is amazing in itself.

Change is frightening. We all tend to cleave to what we know. But it can lead to great things. I really would encourage you too speak with a professional

My dad died unexpectedly a few years ago, and I had way less going on than you and I was in a real fog at work for at least two years. Apparently my work was fine, but it wasn't brilliant, but I got promoted right at the end of the period of feeling so foggy so ...

I don't think what you're feeling is permanent, it's still really recent, but I echo those who say get some professional help, possibly including talking to someone like a business coach, and then review all you've got going on and whether the job is right for you.

You might need some more time off, and that would be fine.