I had a child who is now nearly three, went on maternity leave for a year, worked from home in my old job for three months then started a new job 18 months ago. The week I started my new job, my mother died by suicide. I was obviously traumatised and it took me a while to hit the ground running at work - took about a week off with stress about 4 months after the funeral, had a lot of counselling (12 sessions in all over about a year) - work were very supportive throughout.
However, well over a year later I find I still have ongoing problems with focus, attention and anxiety. My job is very disparate and high pressure at the moment which doesn't help. I just feel consistently out of my depth, can't cope, spend a lot of time procrastinating as I feel panicky when I try to work.
The problem is I can't unpick whether this is just I have the wrong job, if it is some sort of ongoing 'baby brain' and maternity leave has broken me from being able to think/use my brain properly, or still grief/trauma - I feel like the latter would be more excusable but tbh I think I'm coping well with the bereavement now and only occasionally can I directly ascribe my feelings/behaviour to intrusive thoughts about my mum etc - more often I just seem to be kind of 'out of it', have a hard time focusing or thinking deeply - for example I used to read books all the time before having a baby, now I never do even when I have spare time, I spend loads of time on Mumsnet without even really paying attention to what I'm seeing, in general I am really distracted and lazy.
I feel basically like I've become think 
which I hate because I have always been really clever and worked best under intense pressure. Now I just crumble, panic, comfort eat and distract myself with rubbish. I dream of taking some incredibly 'dumb' job I could do in my sleep, but I need to keep bringing my share of money in and I think DP already wonders what happened to the person he moved in with - he'd lose respect for me completely if I went backwards in my career and left him to carry the can financially (he already contributes more than his fair share as higher earner).
I don't really know what I'm asking - why, I suppose, with a shit-ton of work to do today, instead of doing it I'm fretting, panicking and then reading/posting on MN instead of feeling able to just tackle it. Is it still grief manifesting strangely? Have I just become lazy/thick on mat leave? Am I out of my depth and need to step down??
I know no-one can tell me without knowing me but I just feel so confused and hopeless and worried I can't keep things from crashing down.