To be hurt about how my parents describe me as a child?

[Silencedwitness]

I asked my parents today what I was like growing up. They described me as challenging and difficult. I asked if there was any nice points or stories and they both said I was good at sport, I was pretty and had a nice singing voice. I’ll admit it hurts a lot. My mum went on to say “what a good boy” my brother had been. For context I have social anxiety and didn’t really like playing with other kids (my parents described me as anti social). I remember when growing up my mum was very keen that we appeared a certain way. She forced me to go to parties I didn’t want to, would force me to wear dresses (I didn’t feel comfortable). I’m really hurt they couldn’t summon up any nice memory. I have two children with autism and adhd and strongly suspect I may have both conditions. I’m very much a people pleaser and I’m kind. It makes me feel so sad that my parents didn’t seem to really have any nice memories of me.

Sorry to say this but their behaviour is narcissistic x

A lot of the things your parents found negative about you as a child were external things that might make you look bad to others such as being anti social, not liking to dress conventionally etc so it makes sense that the positive things they mentioned were the things that made you look good to others, being pretty, talented at sport and singing. It seems shallow but if you are going to be affected by those negative views you should also accept the positive ones.

@hecateh Mum had decided my 'personality' when I was a small child and nothing and no one was going to shift her opinion.

This so perfectly describes my relationship with my mother. It's like she doesn't see me because of the image she has in her head as to who I am. It is the most painful and frustrating thing, and even now it cuts me to the core. No matter how old I get, it never gets less painful.

At least your parents have an opinion on the type of child they thought you were - as disappointing and hurtful as it feels for you. If you were to ask my mother, she wouldn't know what to say. I am one of six and pretty much raised myself. I know my children inside and out, and will never disappoint them the same way in future years.

I also wanted to add that I don't believe that children are difficult and challenging. They're children. I believe that it's often the parent's inability to parent effectively that makes the situation challenging and difficult.

You're being sensitive they listed good and minor points, doesn't mean they favour you less than your DB. My mum and dad laugh when asked about me they said oh she was lovely an absolute angel then she turned 10 and became a complete shit bag, psycho, they also enjoy embarrassing me telling anyone who will listen that when I was about 3/4 years old I had a pee in b&q on the model bathroom

Here's a hug op you sound like you could do with one

@Pixxie7 no their behaviour is not narcissistic 🙄

A few years back I was having dinner with my parents and they were talking about a lot of things my DB did when he was younger- how caring he was, how kind, how he made them laugh at something - so I asked if there was anything I had done that made them smile, or was funny/cute etc.

They turned to each other as one, with surprised looks on their faces , stared at each other for a few seconds and then burst out laughing in embarrassment. Apparently there wasn't a single thing they could recall.

Yes it hurt

It sounds as if they wanted you to be a certain way and weren’t. Really I see the answer you got as your adult self realising how you felt wasn’t your fault. Quite possibly they didn’t even consider the effect on you and wanted you to be a regular kid as they worried about your future. They didn’t go about it in the right way, that’s for sure. They intimidated you and continue to do so / make fun of you at the very least. They were also physically abusive to you on at least 2 occasions. Now is the time to nurture the real you.

When I tried to talk to my mother about my pain as a child she said I was such a happy child and got angry with me for suggesting otherwise. From a young age, I tried to be as little bother as possible and was trained from the outset to suck up to my mother and brother. It is true I walked around with a smile on my face but outwardly appearances of happiness can be deceptive. I did this to hide my pain and to try to ward off attacks from others. I felt stupid and clumsy at 3 and hated myself with a passion by the age of 5.

That sucks. My mum does this too. I think it's just such a gut punch when your parents can't come up with anything nice to say about you.

But really this is about her, she was challenged and didn't have the skills to parent you. It was never your place to please her, that's an unfair expectation for a tiny child or anyone. We're responsible for our own happiness.

So here's your chance. Unfortunately, your mother is unlikely to turn around and say I just loved your expressiveness and sensitivity, there was that time.... You need to do that for yourself, decide what it is you love about you. Also make sure you remember your children's finest qualities, write them down as it is a lovely gift to hear you are loved for you, not what you do or how you fulfil your parent's wishes.

I see my mum's negative opinions about me passed on to my DD whereas my nephew is so wonderful and gifted just like my DB (they are actually just humans like the rest of us!). My mum is also a flawed person and has a very brittle sense of self esteem. She can be very generous but most of the time it is because she wants to look good to others. When we're together she doesn't hold back with letting me know how awful I am. I think I'm ok and my DD is great!

I'm sorry, OP - that's shit. I think my mother has always been similarly obsessed with needing her children to make her "look good". I spent years feeling deep self-disgust over the fact that I'm very shy and prefer "casual" to "groomed". It's only in my thirties that I've finally been able to like myself.

"My mum is also a flawed person and has a very brittle sense of self esteem. She can be very generous but most of the time it is because she wants to look good to others."

Sometimes I come on Mumsnet and wonder how many other daughters my mother has. It's actually quite a nice feeling - like having dozens of sisters.

Thanks everyone for the different perspectives. I suspect the reason it hurts so much is I was told a few times by my mum when I was young that I wasn’t the kind of daughter she wanted and why couldn’t I be more like X. She often says I’m grumpy or that I have a grumpy face. That I’m always such a misery. And I try not to be at all as I know being around someone unhappy isn’t easy. Mainly I’m just quiet or reflecting. I guess it’s just that the main things were negative. It was digging for anything positive and it came from my dad. I know with my kids if they came and said to me ‘what was I like as a child?’ I’d give them positives. Not how difficult their special needs were nor how we couldn’t eat out and life was made more difficult as one has an autoimmune condition. It’s difficult as I feel she judges me much more harshly than my brother. She will never change I know that and it’s up to me how I deal with it. I have low self esteem and I’m struggling a lot at the moment with the kids and we lost a close family friend recently so have a funeral to go to. It’s probably compounded as I’ve never really felt good enough for her nor properly supported by her. Mostly judged by her and I’ve come away lacking.

I know which of you I think is lacking, and it's not you, OP.