To be hurt about how my parents describe me as a child?

[Silencedwitness]

I asked my parents today what I was like growing up. They described me as challenging and difficult. I asked if there was any nice points or stories and they both said I was good at sport, I was pretty and had a nice singing voice. I’ll admit it hurts a lot. My mum went on to say “what a good boy” my brother had been. For context I have social anxiety and didn’t really like playing with other kids (my parents described me as anti social). I remember when growing up my mum was very keen that we appeared a certain way. She forced me to go to parties I didn’t want to, would force me to wear dresses (I didn’t feel comfortable). I’m really hurt they couldn’t summon up any nice memory. I have two children with autism and adhd and strongly suspect I may have both conditions. I’m very much a people pleaser and I’m kind. It makes me feel so sad that my parents didn’t seem to really have any nice memories of me.

Context is so much in this conversation. I have 3 children, my oldest is difficult, very very difficult. He doesn’t listen, he’s highly strung, he gets up really early and is then grumpy all day, he’s a sore loser (I love him dearly, but my god he’s hard work).

If in 20 years we were sat with his 5 year old child and he said ‘what was I like when I was 5 mum?’ I would say you were a pain in the arse, it was hard work not putting you on eBay some days.

If he said to me in 20 years in a serious, sad tone in a private conversation ‘mum what was I like as a kid? Did you enjoy having me when I was little?’ I would tell him how wonderful it was and how lovely and funny and passionate about everything he was.

Context 🤷‍♀️

I asked my dad what I was like as a child and he said 'normal'. That was it.
I learned that if you have crap parents don't ask them this question.

My mum went on to say “what a good boy” my brother had been.

So. He was the "Golden Child". (Like my sister).

And you (and me) got the brunt of it. Never good enough.

Please read up about it. Cos it's not about you and me, it's about them...

My parents described me as stupid. I was naive and definitely had adhd (before it was a thing) Another relatives son was diagnosed with asd and she is convinced I was exactly the same. (From what Iv read about women and masking it makes A LOT of sense). However the real kicker is the little anecdote my parents used to use to explain to others just how stupid I was. When I was 2/3 a man and a women tried to kidnap me from the garden by saying they lost their dog. I was getting into their car before my older brother rescued me. Because I always here about kids being murdered by some peado and my first thought it ‘stupid kid’!
The moral of the story is families can be cunts.

A few years ago (actually close to 30), I drove my parents and son to Italy, to my brothers house.
I was working as a rep and drove 200 miles during the day on Wednesday. Finishing at 5 ish, I picked them up and drove down to London on the Wednesday evening. Up at 4.30, drive to Dover, ferry and then driving another 10 hours, on the 'wrong' side of the road. I managed to book us into a hotel, with my 10 yr previous 'o' level french.

We were in the dining room for a meal and Mum decided she needed her cardigan and asked me to fetch it. I asked my son to go and mum said 'You always were lazy'.

At the time I was devastated but it was a wake up call. I realised 2 things.

1. Mum had decided my 'personality' when I was a small child and nothing and no one was going to shift her opinion.
2. Her opinion has no relevance in my life.

I still struggle with the label lazy but I have fought it and rephrase it in my mind as being generally laid back and that it actually helps me be inventive in searching for efficient solutions to problems.

As a 'difficult' child, you were likely one who challenged authority. That is a good thing. Things would never change if we all just accepted things - it's those that are challenging that are more able to change the status quo. These qualities are probably the ones that help you get the best for your boys in a world that is not helpful to those with ADHD and autism.

(For what it's worth I also suspect I have those tendencies - I was 'lazy, always in a world of my own', never listens to anything I'm told and will never forget my Mum screaming at me. 'Look at me when I'm talking to you'.

Yeah I darent ask my parents that question!

It sucks.

Get your ASD assessment and go to the stately homes threads in here.

Maybe it was stupid to ask the question. It was one of the things one of the kids asked me about and I thought I’d ask my parents. I suspect it’s because I didn’t do what they wanted me to do like wear a dress. I found growing up tough as I was shy and sensitive and it wasn’t overly supported such as I didn’t like the texture of meat and it was laughed at. Even now my mum still makes fun of me. I suppose I just wanted to hear some positive stories. All I remember is my mum threatening me with the broom (she had me up against a door once) and my dad pushing my face into my dinner on one occasion. I know all kids are difficult (one of mine has complex needs) but I’d always be sensitive. Their account isn’t peppered with any nice stories whereas my brother’s is.

I have a similar issue but it's not my parents who are the problem it's my sister and her endless lies/rewrites of history

She would describe me as "hypersensitive" as a child and omit that the cause was her endless resentful bullying

People want to remember things that cast them in the positive light sometimes with parents they don't want to acknowledge their own shortcomings

1. Mum had decided my 'personality' when I was a small child and nothing and no one was going to shift her opinion.
2. Her opinion has no relevance in my life.

@Hecateh has it spot-on for some parents. My Dad still sees me as a rather shy 16-year-old. He expresses amazement when I tell him I went surfing or skiing, watched football, gave a work presentation to 100+ people, etc. He never thought I'd amount to much and can't comprehend that I've matured and developed skills and interests.

It would be a bit miserable if I hadn't.

So I take his snide comments in my stride and don't tell him much now, his opinion doesn't affect me.

My teenage daughter is difficult - head strong and stubborn like a mule but I love her to pieces and tell her that being strong minded is a strength - she knows what she wants and goes after it - she just needs to pick her battles as its not helpful to be like this all the time.
Do you know you did not like the texture of meant? I bet you have other skin sensitivities such as finding labels annoying if they touch your skin or the seam annoys your toes where socks join etc. I think you want to google infant reflexes not going dormant and see whether you think this is applicable to you.

At school I was described as a quiet, helpful and thoughtful pupil. My Dad on reading my reports reckoned I'd been swapped on my way home from school.

My DM describes me as a potcher, one who flitted from one thing to another and fiddled with things, eg why did my Tiny Tears wee and cry? I took off her head to find out and she was never the same again! Apparently if I was quiet I was up to no good.

Did they lie OP ?

I think you are conflating two different things.

You say you wanted to know your parents' opinion of you as a child. What you report them saying is (as others point out) not particularly unpleasant and could easily be seen as a perfectly nice, normal memory.

The problem seems to me to be that you still feel hurt at the way they treated you, and it is upsetting that they don't seem able to realise that your memories of your childhood are not very good. You want them to say something that would heal that wound and make you feel better, but they don't even appear to realise you didn't enjoy your childhood - instead, they are inclined to think it was all your fault.

I can totally see how that would really hurt.

I also think it is very typical of bad parenting.

Well you did ask. And they gave you a few negatives and a few positives so..🤷🏻‍♀️

I asked my mum about a family holiday we went on when I was 3 before my siblings were born. I thought she'd say it was lovely to spend time with me and we had so much fun. Instead she said I was completely spoilt and that's when they (parents) decided I definitely needed a sibling. Ouch.

I'd like to think she was speaking thoughtlessly rather than being mean or disliking me as a child (that week anyway)

Perhaps I am missing something, but the OPs parents came up with three good memories, not none. Why is she so hurt? Were they supposed to have a list of a dozen?
And are not all children challenging and difficult compared to not being a parent?
Perhaps OP has no nice memories herself and that is what hurts.

Are we twins op??

As a child my mum never had a good word to say about me. I have an asd child and a good chance that I am too. I’ll admit I was difficult. I was ok in school and used to come home and have meltdowns. however, there were vast periods of time when my behaviour was ok at home.

If anyone asked my mum what I was like she would tell them how horrible I was, particularly if I was in earshot, possibly in an attempt to shame me into behaving better. Despite me exhibiting a balance of behavuours, she chose to comment only in the bad.

Obviously For a long time my relationship with my mother wasn’t good. for a long time I hated her. Since we have had our asd son However, I now see how much she must have struggled. We’ve struggled with our asd child, until the one day when we got our answer. My mum never got her answer, being the 70’s, she just struggled on.

Whilst this conversation must sadden you, at least they did find positives

I'm sorry if I fail to say this nicely.
I think this feeling hurtful to OP says more about OP than the parents.

(Yes the parents may be shit, I'm a shit parent, we're all shit to some extent).

My perspective is that one of the pleasures of being an adult is having honest conversations with your parents. Unless you think this was a narcisisstic controlling moment where they wanted to replay an old narrative they tell themselves (too little info in OP for me to say either way), then it just sounds like a 'Warts and All' assessment. If they aren't simply arses yet it feels painful then maybe you're too fragile to have those conversations. I have a friend with parents she loves who love her but they are awful selfish parents. They turn every convo into being about them, yuck.

My parents called me anti-social when I was young. As an older teen they revised that when they had the revelation that I was just an introvert.

OP you’re hurt because your parents listed a few negatives and a few positives about you as a child, yet then say the only think you can remember about your childhood is your dad pushing your face into your dinner once and your mum threatening you with a broom.

That’s clearly not all you remember of your 18 years with them.

@SonEtLumiere ‘what was I like as a child mum?’ ‘I loved you’ - not really an answer is it 🙄

If you feel your brother is/was favoured that’s a separate issue. Your parents saying you were difficult and your brother wasn’t isn’t really an issue if you know they love you equally. Like I said earlier my oldest is very difficult, my middle child has a calmer, kinder nature. I don’t love them any differently, but it does change how I interact with them, and the answer to ‘what was I like as a kid?’ if they ever ask

@JuneSpoon that’s hilarious 😂 my husband and I often comment (privately) that our eldest might be a bit more pleasant and less of a sore loser if we’d given him a sibling a bit sooner!

I'm sorry OP, it sucks that they weren't considerate enough to focus on the positive more. If it's any consolation, I think most parents don't ever truly know their own children because so much of their own fears and insecurities about the job they're doing raising them obscures and distorts their view.
My mum was largely kind but would occasionally say deeply hurtful, wounding things to me as a child. She thought she was dropping truth bombs to wake me up, but often she just hurt me terribly. My dad spent most of his time at work and when he was home always seemed faintly irritated by me, snapping and barking regularly.
They both later thought I had anger issues because I lost my temper with them easily. It never occurred to them that what actually happened was that they pushed my buttons. Anyone else who knows me would never describe me as such.

Your parents don't know you. They only know a version of you coloured by their own issues. Try not to be too sad - it does say more about them than it does about you. Take this experience and use it to help you be an even better and more thoughtful parent to your DC.

I don't remember getting much praise from my mum (dad thought we were all marvellous) as a child. Any time I was lazy, selfish, clumsy, stroppy, greedy, a bad loser, boring, thoughtless, handless, touchy, stubborn, sullen, didn't listen, unsocial, pedantic or that old favourite, showing NO GUMPTION AT ALL was sure as hell pointed out though. Along with a good dose of confirmation bias ("TYPICAL! That's you all over!") and usually followed by, as per a PP's experience:
"Look at me when I'm talking to you!"
Apparently one is supposed to be rapt with interest and agreement (but not in a cheeky way) when one's character faults are being condemned. It's quite difficult and compliance with the "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" command often lead to "and take that stupid look off your face". It's also quite hard to " say something for yourself instead of standing there like a stunned mullet" without causing further ire by being deemed to have "answered back".

Sigh. We don't discuss it now. I have also perfected a socially acceptable little laugh for the umpteenth time she wheels out the same tedious anecdote about the time I had a tantrum and lay down on the pavement outside the supermarket, or the one where I was a bad sport after losing a game, or one of the other times when I was shit aged about 5.

I can also (pretend to) listen to the well trodden positive anecdotes about the Golden Boy without snorting. Skillz.