To be hurt about how my parents describe me as a child?

[Silencedwitness]

I asked my parents today what I was like growing up. They described me as challenging and difficult. I asked if there was any nice points or stories and they both said I was good at sport, I was pretty and had a nice singing voice. I’ll admit it hurts a lot. My mum went on to say “what a good boy” my brother had been. For context I have social anxiety and didn’t really like playing with other kids (my parents described me as anti social). I remember when growing up my mum was very keen that we appeared a certain way. She forced me to go to parties I didn’t want to, would force me to wear dresses (I didn’t feel comfortable). I’m really hurt they couldn’t summon up any nice memory. I have two children with autism and adhd and strongly suspect I may have both conditions. I’m very much a people pleaser and I’m kind. It makes me feel so sad that my parents didn’t seem to really have any nice memories of me.

But they did say positive things about you as well. They commented on your lovely singing voice, aptitude for sport and that you were pretty!

I can totally relate. This says more about them than you. They never got to know YOU. They only see who you weren't. In comparison to some idea they have for ''Daughter''. That is not your fault.

My parents described me as sensitive, challenging, spikey, paranoid and like you I'm the world's worst people pleaser. Or WAS.

The truth was that they told me what I thought, never asked me who I wanted to be, never really showed any curiosity about who I was or am. If I ever expressed a need at all I was met with a sigh or shut right down or talked out of it or made to feel unreasonable or sensitive. Any worries at all, I was paranoid. I could literally to this day describe a scenario where somebody had been extremely rude to me and they would tell me that I had misunderstood due to my sensitivity and paranoia!

Jonice Webb ''running on empty'' and Dr Beverly Engel Nice Girl Syndrome probably helpful to you.

I have a son on the spectrum as well and I was used as a social broker for my brother. I was told to go and make x, y and z come and talk to him. It was really hard!

That must sting.

Bear in mind that they were parenting you without any of the understanding you have of your children. Also, they could have those tendencies themselves, and be even less able to cope.

I suppose I'm trying to say that parenting is tough at the best of times.

Is it a difficult relationship now?

@SweepTheHalls those things are keeping up appearances. I think those things were much more important 30 + years ago.

The idea of your actual core, relationship with your child was secondary to the role they played out in public and how it reflected on them as a family/parent.

Sweep but none of those things relate to the op's personality, that's the issue. Yanbu op.

Difficult doesn't mean bad. Don't take it to heart. Children are supposed to be difficult and challenging to their parents.

I would never ask my parents what they thought about me when I wass growing up.

I really don't want to know.

they didn't say nice stuff about ops character though, which is unkind.

They could have come up with something. ds is autistic and can struggle when he is stressed, but he can be kind and share, he is funny, he can be loving, he is polite and says thank you and please a lot.

OP I am sure you have lots of positive characteristics, resilience for one.

stuff 'em, and their worry about appearances being more important than nurturing a precious daughter.

I feel the same. My parents always described me as sensitive (every word out of my mothers mouth is some sort of criticism) and difficult (things always had to appear a certain way, hide our emotions, wear certain clothes, dont play with anything in case you mess up the house). Even now she cant say a positive word about me, and if I ever call her out on it I'm being sensitive again

Why on earth would you ask them that?

It sounds as though you expected the conversation to go a certain way and then were hurt that it didn't. But your parents didn't know your expectation of the conversation. Their answers probably depend on the context of the question.

You're an adult and a parent, you must realise some DCs are challenging or that some parents struggle (because of their own temperaments).

I know DH's family say he was challenging but it's not a surprise to him and it's also not meant badly - he's always been determined, chatty, speaks without thinking. Three traits that can be difficult for parents but they aren't negative traits for life.

I can really related to this. I have two children with marked sensory processing issues, ASD and Dyspraxia. I can see so much of myself in them.

My parents labelled me clumsy, disorganised, day dreamy, unsocial, and a heap of other things. I love them, it's just how we were raised in the 1970's.

In my childhood you just needed belittling to lift yourself out of your issues. There was no diagnosis pathway you were just labelled as lazy, clumsy, dreamy etc

It didn't work for me, I spent decades feeling odd, clumsy and disorganised until my eldest son scored 1, just one, on a standardised test by an OT for dyspraxia. I struggled to do the things she asked him so I expect I'm the same. I now am pretty sure I'm Dyspraxic.

I need my mental space to recover after social interaction. Just a quiet room will do. This might make me antisocial but so be it.
I have to cut out all labels, can't wear certain textures and can't mix certain foods or food textures.

I think the level of my need to have textures exactly right was highlighted last week. My DH who was making me a cup of tea cannot grasp that I have to have a certain thinness of porcelain cup and it varies depending on the type of tea I'm drinking.
I really like to enjoy my tea.

PS: Cote Brasserie do the best tea and the exact thickness of China cup to compliment it.

My mum and dad describe me as being difficult, stubborn and argumentative. I'm not really bothered by their opinion of me. I know they don't see the true me and I know my mum only thinks I'm difficult because I don't do what she tells me all the time.

I wouldn't dare ask my parents that, because I know I wouldn't like the reply & they would misrepresent how I see myself. I was told last time I visited them that I was 'difficult to live with'. How they think that I don't know, because I left home at 18. My response was that DH has managed to live with me quite happily for over 30 years, so I cant be that 'difficult'. I think the problem is that if I don't agree with them I tell them, so they see me as challenging & difficult. It's quite hard to take, really.

Anyway, in your shoes I'd be hurt too

@DramaAlpaca this is it exactly
Difficult = don't agree with parents

Think we can see where your social anxiety started.

Trewser how sensitive of you

The thing is, i have two children who are very very different.
One is easy in comparison to the other.
The personality of one is very like me whereas the other is not.
I can relate to one much easier then the other.
But I know I love them the same. I am proud of both of them.
If they asked me what they were like when they were younger I would tell them the truth because I just couldn’t lie.
For me this comes down to why you asked and what you expected to hear.

Never ask a question if you’re not prepared to hear the answer.

If you do ahve a condition or ism or two - maybe you were a challenging child for your parents, bit of a not-fit-in type, that might have thrown them a bit, been a bit unsure how to parent you - also maybe they are a bit ismy themselves - am sure their is a hereditary / familial link with some of these conditions - so really there anwer may just have been honest rather than nasty - look on the brightside you are an adultnow whois still talking to their parents - many "normal" adults can't say the same - be happy with all your achievements chicpea.

Oh OP. I understand. My mother is a narcissist. She destroyed my self esteem. I was ugly, dim, unsociable, so plain I was not allowed to wear pink.

When I was about 50, thanks to dd who was 12 (and loved) I realised it was her not me. I would still like to please her but know I never shall.

Be strong.

My mother told me I was a plain and unattractive child. From the day I flew the nest others told me I was incredibly beautiful. Sorry I know that sounds awfully wanky but they can fuck you up your mum and dad. Actually my dad didn't, just had to flee her before she destroyed him as well.

Positive - at 60 and as a successful career woman I am fucking resilient and little touches me.

As you all were

those things are keeping up appearances. I think those things were much more important 30 + years ago.
The idea of your actual core, relationship with your child was secondary to the role they played out in public and how it reflected on them as a family/parent

100% true.
My mother told me I was '...unloveable and a confounded nuisance as a child' and to this day I have never done anything right in her eyes. She wonders why I don't visit more often 😕

Never ask a question if you're not prepared to hear the answer

Well that's pretty stupid. How is op meant to know what the answer is before she asks the question? If everyone lived by that rule, nobody would ever ask any questions because it's possible to come up with an insensitive, hurtful response to just about any question.

Some parents are shit OP.

Please do NOT take on board what they tell you.

They may not have "done the work" on themselves so just pass the shit on down the line. From earlier generations.

It says NOTHING about you. You sound lovely.