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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

10-year old niece thinks everyone hates her

31 replies

PapayaCoconut · 10/11/2019 16:24

AIBU to think this is worrying? My 10yo DNiece recently visited for a week. She must have asked me about ten times if I was angry with her, and "jokingly" accusing me and others of "hating her" and "finding her annoying". Whilst I absolutely love and adore her, I must admit I did start to get slightly annoyed towards the end, as there are only so many times you can reassure someone that you don't hate them, and her insecure behaviour is a little bit annoying. For example, she has a habit of making silly faces and noises (such as snorting or fake laughing) all the time and she talks incessantly in different voices and accents and makes awkward jokes on her own expense. She's very preoccupied with herself and how she comes across and I think the "silly" act is some sort of defence. Her older sister is very popular and conventionally pretty and her mother is very beautiful and I think she's trying to make herself deliberately "ugly" so she doesn't get judged for not being as pretty as they are. She doesn't look after herself - doesn't brush her hair or wear clean clothes unless prompted. She has had headlice for years. Her DM never seems to be able to get rid of them.

I don't know if all this is normal in ten year old girls? Maybe it is. I recognise myself as a child in DN, but I was a very unhappy child, which I have always attributed to growing up with very unhappy parents. DNs parents have some MH problems which they're being treated for but I don't feel that anyone takes DNs issues seriously. AIBU? Is there anything I can do? She lives in another country so we don't see each other often.

OP posts:
OctoberLovers · 10/11/2019 16:27

Having nits in her parents problem. They need to get rid of them.

She sounds like she has some kind of SEN or MH issues and needs to see a doctor

NameChange84 · 10/11/2019 16:29

It sounds like she has chronically low self esteem and doesnt feel very loved. Her mother is neglecting her needs if she can't sort out the headlice. The insecurity is also a hallmark of emotional neglect.

NameChange84 · 10/11/2019 16:32

Re helping her...how is the school system where she is? Could you contact her class teacher and make them aware of what you've noticed and your concerns. She might need SENCO intervention if it exists where she is. As a teacher in the uk, we often need to be the bridge between school and home and there are other outside services we can refer to.

lyralalala · 10/11/2019 16:37

A 10 yo having nits for years is neglect. Pure and simple.

She sounds like a very unhappy child who feels ugly in comparison to her mother and sister and is going down the silly/funny road. I'd also put money on her hearing, possibly often, that she's annoying.

Is her sister the golden child?

mbosnz · 10/11/2019 16:38

Poor wee lass.

Her mother needs to get on top of the headlice. That is so hard for a child.

She doesn't sound like she feels very loved or liked at all. It's a bit of a worry that there's such a preoccupation with physical beauty in the family. I'm sure she has many wonderful qualities that would be so much more worthy of recognition and appreciation rather than anything so superficial as her looks? Especially if she had someone, an aunty maybe, who could help her see and appreciate them. . .

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 10/11/2019 17:12

if I was angry with her, and "jokingly" accusing me and others of "hating her" and "finding her annoying".

10 year olds don't come up with this language on their own. Some one or other (or possibly several people) are saying this to her.

could it be her mother from what you say?

If she has chronic headlice, this is bound to affect her in two ways - one her own comfort and self esteem but two her social interaction with other children. She will have a reputation for always having head lice and will be ostracised.

The other behaviour could just be a response to feeling unloved and isolated.

kitk · 10/11/2019 17:26

Hm I'm not sure on this one. My DD8 started with "I know I'm being annoying but..." a few months ago. It really upset me and at first I told her she wasn't annoying and it was a good question/ sensible to bring it up etc but she'd always follow this up with "but I'm so annoying when I ask stuff all the time." DP suggested I ignore it and she doesn't say it as much now. Sometimes I think kids hear someone else saying sth and want to try it out themselves? I've certainly never told her she's annoying tho I never know 100% what's happening at her dad's. Ugh it's so confusing! I

I agree with the PPs tho that the nits must be sorted. Poor child must be so self conscious and uncomfortable

recklessruby · 10/11/2019 17:34

Its totally unacceptable to leave the poor girl with headlice when they are so easily treated. Can you not say something to her mother (after all she and her other daughter could also catch them).
I agree she sounds like she has self esteem issues. Is there anything she shines at that you can praise and make a fuss of? Most dc have some sort of special talent/nice personality such as being amusing or kind etc. Looks arent important but she seems to be suffering from her mother s skewed values on them.

Loftyswops988 · 10/11/2019 17:36

The silly noises/faces thing as a defence sounds like me as a child. Was later diagnosed with ADHD and tourettes. I would often ask things repeatedly (although not looking for validation in my case), which turned out to be tics. I still do it as an adult

YouJustDoYou · 10/11/2019 17:36

I wanted to kill myself at 6. My whole childhood was horrible. The things she's telling you are the things I thought. If she's saying these things, it's because it's been said to her - talk to her - ask her what's going on, has anyone said anything do you? Etc. No one ever gave a shit about me. I tried to give hints about what was going on, because the words just wouldn't come out. But no one ever even asked. No one cares. Just ask her. Just ask her what she's feeling.

YouJustDoYou · 10/11/2019 17:37

Also, chronic headline is completely treatable. The fact no adult has stepped in to help her is horrific.

PapayaCoconut · 10/11/2019 17:39

The whole family has been struggling with headlice for years. They're mixed race and all have very, very thick hair if that's relevant.

OP posts:
PapayaCoconut · 10/11/2019 17:41

I did try talking to her, but she has this shield of silliness that's seems impossible to break through, especially when I only see her a few times a year. Her whole family praise her a lot for being funny and really good at maths - she's very clever in school.

OP posts:
PapayaCoconut · 10/11/2019 17:44

I'd also put money on her hearing, possibly often, that she's annoying.

I really don't think this is the case, at least not at home. Everyone's very gentle with her. Maybe in school.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 10/11/2019 18:03

Could you take her out for the day? A girly treat, shopping and for something to eat and see if she relaxes with you to talk?

PapayaCoconut · 10/11/2019 18:12

@PinkiOcelot

What kind of things do you think I should ask her or talk about?

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 10/11/2019 18:26

Oh come on. You know she is being neglected (the headlice and probably more). What are you going to do about it? Treat the lice yourself? Talk to your sister about it? Call school? Please don’t leave her struggling!

(And yes, some of those things you mention - the silly faces, false voices etc -could suggest ASC, but until she’s in a situation where she’s being better cared for, it will be hard to tell)

Tink88 · 10/11/2019 18:39

She's crying out for help. Headlice for years? No they don't care and she's being neglected. There is simply nothing else to describe headlice for years. I'll tell you again- neglect.

TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 · 10/11/2019 19:00

No matter how thick her hair is, a determined course of hedrin, vamousse or full marks shampoo will take care of the nit problem. Everyone in the family gets treated, all bedding changed then retreat and change bedding a week later.

It's not rocket science and takes very little effort in the grand scheme of things.

PapayaCoconut · 10/11/2019 19:50

Oh come on. You know she is being neglected

I haven't seen any evidence that she is. Like I said, everyone treats her with kid gloves. And the whole family has lice very often. They can't seem to get rid of it.

DN lives in another country. I don't see her very often.

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 10/11/2019 21:47

Very worrying. Very worrying indeed.

PapayaCoconut · 10/11/2019 22:02

No matter how thick her hair is, a determined course of hedrin, vamousse or full marks shampoo will take care of the nit problem.

Are you sure? Her DM does treat them but they keep coming back.

OP posts:
PapayaCoconut · 10/11/2019 22:03

Sorry, forgot to bold this:

No matter how thick her hair is, a determined course of hedrin, vamousse or full marks shampoo will take care of the nit problem.

OP posts:
TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 · 11/11/2019 08:13

The shampoos now kill all live lice and eggs. As long as it is being used as per directions and they are changing bedding, cleaning brushes there is no reason why the family should be habitually infested.

The directions tell you to re-treat at a later point, som a week, some 10 days to make sure any missed are got.

The parents could also plait your nieces hair to make it harder to become re-infested if they're being caught at school.

Or do regular combing through with damp hair covered in conditioner to make it easier for the comb to pull through and shift the eggs.

Lice are treatable, they should not be a long term problem.

ChardonnaysDistantCousin · 11/11/2019 08:16

She’s preempting.

Sge clearly needs more reassurance, but I doubt she really thinks all that, she just wants to hear nice things about herself.

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