Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking kids to Christmas Market with family friends - very different budgets?

75 replies

NoWiggleRoom · 10/11/2019 14:28

DH and I have just had a blazing row about this and I’m looking to see what others think.

Friends have invited us to a Christmas market in their town - stalls, carnival rides, food places, visit Santa, the usual Christmas stuff. These friends have recently had a change in financial circumstances and are really flush. They always spent hard at these types of things anyway in the past, lots of rides for the kids, any toy they want, sweets, food etc which is in the spirit of the event. We were always slightly more restrained with our kids but recently, unfortunately, have much less disposable income and we are saving hard for Christmas because things are going to be tight.

DH wants to take the kids to this market and to explain to them that they can go on one ride or have one thing (budget of about £5 per child). I expect our friends would have 8/9 rides, Santa, a couple of toys. I think we shouldn’t go because it won’t be fair on our kids to go to something like this if they can’t have a few rides, some food, visit Santa etc. I asked if he expected our kids just to watch our friend’s kids go on rides but he says we can take them for a wander around the market. I think this will really not fill the time when their kids are doing things ours aren’t and the kids want to see each other! He says they need to learn that they can’t have everything, which I agree with, and I explain when we can’t afford a particular toy or can’t do something if it’s too expensive, but I think watching their friends have what they can’t have to this extreme is too much. I could tell them we didn’t have enough money to do everything their friends are doing but I feel what they will be doing and what we can do is going to be too different in this case. AIBU or is DH?

OP posts:
YabaDabaBoo · 10/11/2019 16:43

I wouldn’t go. Poor things watching their friends going on loads of rides when they can’t.

I understand managing expectations and all that. I just don’t think Christmas is the time to do it.

Either go for the last hour, as others have suggested, or don’t go at all.

Leeds2 · 10/11/2019 16:46

I wouldn't go. Or I would send DH with the two older ones, and I bet he wouldn't have it in him to do as he suggests.

Luckybe40 · 10/11/2019 16:47

I wouldn’t go either, I recently took the kids to a similar event for fireworks/bonfire night and all they wanted to do was go on the rides. We dont have any spare cash, so they got 2 rides each and were gutted not to go in more. Really ruined the evening, I felt really bad😣

Catsandchardonnay · 10/11/2019 16:48

Are your friends really that insensitive that they’d spend loads of money on their kids and let them go on lots of rides while your kids just sadly watch? If so you need new friends!

Can’t you just talk to your friends and explain your predicament , and suggest you meet on, after their kids have splurged loads of cash? Tbh though, if I was the rich friends in this scenario I would be mortified if I’d made my poorer friends feel like this, and would completely rein in the spending.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 10/11/2019 16:52

YANBU. There's no way I would put myself or my DC in that situation. Of course, your DH is right that children need to understand they can't have everything, but this would be an extremely harsh way to make his point! You're not going to teach a 5 and 7yo the value of money by making them stand on the sidelines watching their friends enjoying rides, toys and treats they can't have on a day out. All that will achieve is making them feel shit. It would also be pretty tedious for you and your DH, spending all day watching other people's kids go on rides. Not to mention awkward for your friends! In their position I would want to offer to pay for your DC to join in but would be worried that might offend you so would probably end up doing nothing but feeling embarrassed the whole time. Just a nightmare all round, frankly!

crustycrab · 10/11/2019 17:00

So mean to make them watch their friends do all the things they want to and can't. I wouldn't go and I wouldn't let DH take them either

Catsandchardonnay · 10/11/2019 17:07

*later on not “on”!

Beesandcheese · 10/11/2019 17:19

Can you do something else with these friends (something Christmassy) for DH''s benefit. Go and see a local town''s lights or Christmas carols, have hot choccie, exchange cards/ biscuits? I'm not great at Christmas stuff but I see lots advertised that looks free and family oriented

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/11/2019 17:33

"He says they need to learn that they can’t have everything, which I agree with, and I explain when we can’t afford a particular toy or can’t do something if it’s too expensive, but I think watching their friends have what they can’t have to this extreme is too much. I could tell them we didn’t have enough money to do everything their friends are doing but I feel what they will be doing and what we can do is going to be too different in this case. AIBU or is DH?"

Sorry but your husband is being an arse here. Ages 7 and 5. They are not in a position to rationalise that they 'can't have everything'. If they were to take anything from this proposed meet-up, they are just as likely to feel subconsciously that you are VERY poor and become insecure about money, or worse; that they personally are not worth money being spent on them and that mummy and daddy don't love them. Yes these are the extremes. But so is expecting a 7 and 5 year old to behave like little adults.

Your husband's essentially planning to rub his children's noses in inequality. Just plain cruel to take them on this meet-up.

Better to invite your friends to your home for a normal play-date. Then the children can meet and not feel hard done by.

summersherewishiwasnt · 10/11/2019 17:39

This will be awful all round.
Even different parenting styles can cause stress, so really relaxed parents that let the kids wander and they follow but of your kids want to go different direction it causes drama. Never mind th financial aspect as well. I’d say sorry no can do. Make an excuse.

Almahart · 10/11/2019 17:45

No way would I go. Really unfair on your kids

OneDay10 · 10/11/2019 17:59

Agree with you op. It will be awful for the kids to sit the rides out and then hear about it from the other kids about how amazing it was. Theres a time to teach kids about not always getting what they want, this xmas market isnt it.

5BlueHydrangea · 10/11/2019 18:27

Could you agree with your friends that all kids do 2 or 3 rides and get candy floss or something? Then they all have fun but no one feels deprived?
We went to the London winter wonderland a couple of years ago, 2 adults, 1 child, really rationed rides etc but still cost a fortune! I won't be going back there in a hurry. If it's that one definitely avoid it!

SD1978 · 10/11/2019 18:54

If they are close enough friends I'd be honest- we are doing things a bit tighter this year- would love to meet you and the kids but will come for the last hour. If you're not close enough to have that conversation with, then I wouldn't be going at all. No way it won't be obvious your kids are on a budget and it will be awkward for the other family surely being aware of the lack of activities your kids are doing. I know I would then be a little embarrassed if my kids were doing all this stuff and the people we were going with weren't.

onetwothreemore · 10/11/2019 19:57

I agree with @NailsNeedDoing

It's such a good way to explain to your husband that this would be awkward for your friends, too... Can you use the baby as an excuse to not go or maybe meet them for a brief wonder around stalls + 1 ride for the kids and leave? Events like these are very very expensive! My husband and I have a very healthy budget and we actually avoid that sort of things because it costs too much for a day out: parking, food, to buy something, warm drinks. I bet you don't want to carry a bag of sandwiches and a flask of tea for everyone? And how can you walk around with a pram? It's always crowded

Mummadeeze · 10/11/2019 20:02

Please don’t take them. It would be cruel and you are right. Make a different plan with your friends like going for a hot chocolate and a walk round the park or something cheaper.

NoWiggleRoom · 10/11/2019 20:17

Thanks to everyone again. Almost unanimous that DH is BU!

I did initially say he could take the older two if that’s what he wants to do and see how it pans out for everyone. As the argument went on I got more cross and told him to bugger off and I wouldn’t let him take the kids and do that to them, it’s borderline cruelty. Anyway, we parked it so we could have a nice family dinner, which we did, but I will try bringing it again in a minute and —make him realise this is a stupid idea— reach a consensus.

For those suggesting other activities with our friends - thank you. We love these friends and will definitely be doing something else with them, just not this. They won’t have an issue with us declining this invitation and proposing something else, they’re lovely people.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 10/11/2019 20:19

I wouldn't go either

Sewrainbow · 10/11/2019 20:34

I wouldn't go, it's not fair on your children, they're still too young to understand the differences between different incomes and the day will become an outing watching the other friends have fun and yours can't join in to the same extent.

Why would you put them through that if you dont have to?

There are other times you can teach them about "not having everything".

Mummyshark2019 · 10/11/2019 20:37

Your husband is wrong. If you were going on your own as s family then fine. But it's mean to take your kids and make them watch their friends have all the fun.

BobAHair · 10/11/2019 23:03

Would it be an idea to meet there for Santa / hot chocolates / hot dogs first, then both families go your separate ways around the Xmas fair? That way, your kids get to have the experience you can afford, and your friends can have the experience that they can afford?

ReanimatedSGB · 11/11/2019 17:43

BTW, is your H just not thinking this through properly, or is he a controlling self-righteous prick one of those who thinks that being unhappy and missing out is somehow 'good for personal growth'? If it's the latter, you need to start opposing and undermining him before he makes your DC really miserable.

And please don't follow the advice of PP who suggested letting him take the DC and say No to them all afternoon while you stay out of it. Yes, it would teach him a lesson, but at the expense of the DC which is hugely unfair and unkind.

LL83 · 11/11/2019 17:53

I suspect your dh just wants to go to the markets and can but a bratwurst and a beer and enjoy the day cheaply and isnt bothered that the kids will be miserable.

Taking them and saying pick 1 ride and one snack teaches the value of money and you cant have everything. Taking them to do this while their friends get to do it all is cruel.

Love51 · 11/11/2019 18:01

What if the friends had suggested a meal out for the adults (and you miraculously have childcare). Would DH be happy to sit there with a tap water and only eat a starter while they have 3 courses, wine and a cheese board? Can he see that this might ruin their enjoyment of their feast somewhat? Would he expect you to do that?

ReanimatedSGB · 11/11/2019 18:54

@Love51 nailed it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page