Taking kids to Christmas Market with family friends - very different budgets?

[NoWiggleRoom]

DH and I have just had a blazing row about this and I’m looking to see what others think.

Friends have invited us to a Christmas market in their town - stalls, carnival rides, food places, visit Santa, the usual Christmas stuff. These friends have recently had a change in financial circumstances and are really flush. They always spent hard at these types of things anyway in the past, lots of rides for the kids, any toy they want, sweets, food etc which is in the spirit of the event. We were always slightly more restrained with our kids but recently, unfortunately, have much less disposable income and we are saving hard for Christmas because things are going to be tight.

DH wants to take the kids to this market and to explain to them that they can go on one ride or have one thing (budget of about £5 per child). I expect our friends would have 8/9 rides, Santa, a couple of toys. I think we shouldn’t go because it won’t be fair on our kids to go to something like this if they can’t have a few rides, some food, visit Santa etc. I asked if he expected our kids just to watch our friend’s kids go on rides but he says we can take them for a wander around the market. I think this will really not fill the time when their kids are doing things ours aren’t and the kids want to see each other! He says they need to learn that they can’t have everything, which I agree with, and I explain when we can’t afford a particular toy or can’t do something if it’s too expensive, but I think watching their friends have what they can’t have to this extreme is too much. I could tell them we didn’t have enough money to do everything their friends are doing but I feel what they will be doing and what we can do is going to be too different in this case. AIBU or is DH?

actually in a very crowded xmas market it will be a struggle for a group to stay together - so use that as an excuse - to many people with dc staying together dc all wanting different things waiting about for x to get y or look at z or wait in a queue for each other -no -just no (& Ilove Christmas Markets!!!

You are right op .not fair to kids

If you wanted to go and have a bit more in your budget, what impact would it have on the rest of your Christmas (you said in your OP that you were saving hard, but of course that means different things to different people)? If it means you give the children 9 presents each instead of 10, I’d consider rearranging the budget to do that. If it means you can’t get the turkey (or equivalent!), not so much!

I'd maybe try to find a different activity in your budget to do together instead. Is there a candle parade or something happening?

I agree with DH - the reality being you
'Re unlikely to be together all the time anyway

Definitely with you, OP.

YANBU.

Is it Birmingham?

Apart from how it would make your kids feel, doesn't your dh realise how awkward and unenjoyable it wouldn't make the event for your friends. If they're nice people, they would either feel like they had to stop their children doing what they want, or make them feel like they should offer to pay, it would be awful for them! Maybe your dh will see that POV a bit better than only focusing on the effect it would have on your own children.

Are you sure the other family aren't expecting to treat your children if they've only just come into all this money? Surely they'd understand your circumstances and wouldn't invite you to something that would cost a fortune if they know you can't afford it?

Not fair on the kids watching the other kids doing more. They won't understand why they can't.

I'm a single mum of 2 boys and I'm taking them to the one in my city, just us and grandparents and sharing the cost. They're going on 2 rides, having a hot chocolate and gingerbread biscuit or something and the rest of the time is looking at the lights, shops window displays. There's always loads of free events on all over. When we lived in Newcastle they had a kids entertainer outside one afternoon with a snowmachine and xmas music. Adults just sat around on benches like "Nice one mate..."

If they're such good friends then they should understand your position and be glad to meet you for the last hour. Not only would it be awful for your children it would also be embarrassing for your friends, they either hold off letting their children have fun or they see your children being disappointed.

Oh that would be hell on earth. As PP have said, your friends might feel either awkward and guilty or that you are expecting them to pay for you, your DC will be miserable and probably crying if they have to watch their cousins going on ride after ride and having all sorts of toys and snacks bought for them while your DC are being told No to pretty much everything.
Meet them another day, to do something that's within your budget.

Yanbu
Find something more suitable for all budgets. Winter walk and a hot choc?

No way would I go. It would be totally unfair on the children. If your friends are decent, they'll understand.

DH wants to take the kids to this market and to explain to them that they can go on one ride or have one thing (budget of about £5 per child)

I think you should let your DH take his children, and you stay at home doing something or other that is really urgent

Then he can trial his parenting skills and theories in practice.

I’d take them if you want to but I wouldn’t take them with these friends in tow. It won’t be fair on your DC.

Life’s hard enough without going voluntarily to an event to stand on the sidelines and watch your friends having fun.
This would totally suck the joy out of the day and there’s no way I’d go.

I'd meet your friends a bit later and let the kids go on one ride together. I usually discuss with friends prior to events like this so we're all on the same page, could your friends compromise a bit? Sounds like they're spending a lot for the sake of it anyway.

No way would I put my kids in a position where they're visibly the poorer kids. There's no lesson there, just disappointment..

You’re right. It would be really unfair on your kids to have a limit while the other kids in the group can go all out.

Of course everyone has different budgets and it’s still worth going to a Christmas market to go one ride and visit Santa and soak up the atmosphere but not as a group with another family who are spending more.

I would just say it’s not convenient or meet up for the last hour. It’s no fun for the kids to have their noses rubbed in it.

God no. We never did the Christmas market tat with the DC. The cost spirals ........we did always save up and do a day at Gulliver's land or somewhere which was an absolute bargain in comparison and a much more level playing field regarding money.

I would decline and explain, or arrange to meet at the very end.
If I were your friends and I wanted you to go for company and a catch up I would actually pay for your kids to go on all the rides my kids went on. Or at the very least agree to stick to a budget the same as yours.
Yes I have done this for my friends when they've been low on cash, just something as simple as bringing the picnic or buying their lunch or a cinema ticket. My friends have bought us drinks and the kids those toys that they always tout at bonfire /christmas events when they knew I was down to our last pennies.
Not sure this is totally normal but I think as we are all from quite poor backgrounds or at times have had life changing circumstances and know what it is like to have no money if we want to do something out of budget we pay.

There's learning that you can't have everything - and having your nose rubbed in it!

Expecting them to watch the other children enjoying rides and treats that they are missing is cruel of him.

I would go just for the last hour or so, or forego the trip completely.

No way would I go, OP. It sounds cruel.

It will not be a pleasant experience at all for your kids.

Yes, they need to learn/understand that they can't always have what they want, but watching their friends enjoy treats is not the way to teach them.

I have this every year, but the other way around. I always just pay the rides for everyone. We’ve been friends for years, they always do a lot for me, the kids love each other. But we’re completely open about our financial situations, so I invite them and do the “I invited so i’ll pay”. I would never go out with them if my kids were getting everything and their kids getting nothing. Either they all skip the rides or they all go on.

I think in this case you’re right not to go