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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be overly concerned about miscarriage?

50 replies

AliceAbsolum · 10/11/2019 14:14

Please feel free to tell me I'm in denial. DH and I have been TTC for nearly 4 years, we have had multiple rounds of IVF and I've found out recently that it actually ----fucking worked Shock I'm over the moon!

I've looked up the stats and for my age group and weeks pregnant there is currently about a 20% chance I'll miscarry, the risk of course goes down as the pregnancy progesses. I think 20% is OK! Is that weird? I mean I'd prefer 0% of course but I don't think it's terrible odds.

I joined a few pregnancy threads and FB groups and they're full of very anxious ladies. NB: Not criticising this, I can understand anxiety, it's not like I'm frickin zen here. But I left them, because I don't feel THAT worried about it. Right now in this moment, I'm pregnant and that's amazing and what's the point of worrying? I'll worry before 12 weeks, then I'll worry about the 20 week scan, then I'll worry about the birth. Pretty sure when they're born the worry just stops then right?

Do you think I should be more concerned and years of infertility have made me weird about it?

OP posts:
Thescrewinthetuna · 10/11/2019 14:17

I like you’re attitude that there’s no point of worrying - it’s a healthy approach I think rather than become an anxious mess. I was terrified every time I went for a pee that there would be blood and that would be it, for months and months.
However:

Pretty sure when they're born the worry just stops then right?

Not really. There’s always something to worry about. Even when they’re not babies any more. As long as the worrying doesn’t take over your life then it’s OK, it’s normal.

Thescrewinthetuna · 10/11/2019 14:17

Your not you’re sorry!

Celebelly · 10/11/2019 14:22

I think for your first pregnancy if you haven't miscarried before, it's pretty normal to not be that anxious about it. A lot of people who are very anxious have had previous miscarriages, and I think once you miscarry then the excitement of 'any' future pregnancies is sort of tainted a bit by it. But for your first pregnancy there's no real reason to think it won't go OK if you've no history of otherwise.

Celebelly · 10/11/2019 14:23

I don't know why I put 'any' in quote marks there!

And yes the worrying doesn't stop, it just evolves!

Minai · 10/11/2019 14:30

It’s good you’re not worried. In my first pregnancy I was sick with worry. I couldn’t stop thinking about miscarrying and went for multiple early scans which would put my mind at ease for about a day then I’d go back to worrying. Thankfully everything was ok but I was really unhealthily worried at the time.

With my second pregnancy I was much more relaxed. I guess because I’d had a healthy pregnancy before it was easier to relax and I had the attitude that if something did go wrong there was absolutely nothing I could do about it so I thought I won’t get too excited until my 12 week scan but I won’t worry unnecessarily either.

Hope all goes well for you OP!

pinksquash13 · 10/11/2019 14:32

You can't control it so why worry about it. Obviously that's much harder in practice for some people but I think it's great your chilled. Wishing you all the best! How many weeks are you?

AnyFucker · 10/11/2019 14:34

Worrying doesn't change the outcome so good for you

Fingers crossed x

Samosaurus · 10/11/2019 14:35

Congratulations OP, you must be over the moon. I think it’s very normal not to be worried about miscarriage if you have never experienced one, especially if it’s your first pregnancy. I don’t think you are in denial and wish you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy :)

jamoncrumpets · 10/11/2019 14:41

If you've never miscarries before it's easy to not be worried about it. I was like that with my first baby.

Then I had a miscarriage when they were 2.

Spent half of my pregnancy with DC2 absolutely petrified of miscarriage.

jamoncrumpets · 10/11/2019 14:42

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MindatWork · 10/11/2019 14:46

Congratulations on your pregnancy op!

However, with the best will in the world, I’m not quite sure what you want out of this thread? Are you after people telling you you‘re wrong not to worry and that it’s inevitable and sharing their awful miscarriage stories? Because that’s what’s likely to happen and then you probably will worry 😞

MoonlightBonnet · 10/11/2019 14:53

Are you sure you’re not worried? Because having to leave those threads and then posting this thread doesn’t suggest you’re unconcerned.

KatyS36 · 10/11/2019 14:53

I made an active decision about DD that I was never going to worry (unless there was very good cause) as otherwise I would NEVER enjoy her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Another thing that helped me was reminding myself that by far the most likely outcome was that in 9 months I would have a healthy baby.

moodybum · 10/11/2019 14:55

@AliceAbsolum when I was seeing an ob/gyn for fertility treatment they explained that the average pregnancy risk was 15% and that is only slightly less than your risk factor, and as average Jane's age their risk factor goes up too. You could be playing on an entirely level playing field depending on age, so continue with your confident outlook, it is healthy and if most of us could have chosen that outlook we would have especially with hindsight. Anxiety is also the thief of joy. Enjoy each day, its an amazing gift :)

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 10/11/2019 14:58

I didn’t worry about miscarriage at all whilst pregnant with DD. Whilst TTC DC2, I had an EMC and then no BFP for nearly a year. I know that, if I do get my BFP, I will worry endlessly about miscarrying.

sheshootssheimplores · 10/11/2019 15:03

I never gave my first pregnancy a moments thought. Announced it at 3 weeks!!! It was wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Enjoy.

GrimDamnFanjo · 10/11/2019 15:10

My first pg went by without any worries. After x2 mc my 4th pg was one long source of worry.
Enjoy your pg - once they ate here you'll have loads of stuff to fret over!

Lauriestory · 10/11/2019 15:13

I hope it all goes well for you Flowers

I didn’t overly worry about miscarriage until it happened to me, I imagine many people are like that.

Allfednonedead · 10/11/2019 15:26

If you’re not worried, that’s brilliant. Worrying wouldn’t help and would only make your experience less lovely.
And as for the PP saying how a miscarriage is like going into labour and giving birth in the toilet, they need to calm down.
I’m sorry they had that experience (that is how it is for some women), but not all. I’ve had two, and they were just like nasty periods.
I’m not much of a worrier either - like you, I save it up for crucial moments like the scans.
I wish you all the best and hope you end up with DC as lovely as mine! Halloween Wink

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 10/11/2019 15:46

And as for the PP saying how a miscarriage is like going into labour and giving birth in the toilet, they need to calm down

How patronising and insensitive! My EMC was essentially a period but I would never belittle someone else’s experience. I feel quite traumatised by it and the worst bit is that I feel ridiculous for feeling that way.

Everyone’s experiences are different and you cannot tell someone else how they should or should not feel.

jamoncrumpets I am so sorry that happened to you. Flowers

Original poster
AliceAbsolum · 10/11/2019 15:56

@KatyS36 "I made an active decision about DD that I was never going to worry (unless there was very good cause) as otherwise I would NEVER enjoy her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Another thing that helped me was reminding myself that by far the most likely outcome was that in 9 months I would have a healthy baby"

This! Thank you. Great to hear some people were not too worried.

It also makes sense that you might not be as worried if you haven't had one.

Very sorry to hear about the precious losses Sad

OP posts:
Sparklybanana · 10/11/2019 16:00

I think ivf pregnancies are more likely to miscarry but if you can make it through the 1st trimester with a relaxed attitude then you’re going to well. My ivf resulted in several miscarriages and I felt awfully empty afterwards (as well as hearing a massive ‘tick tock’ sound in my head....) so I would not treat them so blasé. However, i don’t get upset at anniversaries or the like. They happened, it was awful, I moved on as it was never meant to be. I wouldn’t have my kids now if those pregnancies had worked and that’s what I focus on. I can understand the anxiety though. Don’t knock it until you’ve experienced it. Infertility sucks but mc are the worst thing about it.

RedSheep73 · 10/11/2019 16:02

You are right not to worry yourself - when it comes to mc, what will be will be, you can't change it and you won't know about it until after it has happened. Once it has happened to you though, you can never not worry again. I suppose what bothers me is the people who breeze through early pg announcing they are having a baby and serenely unaware that anything could possibly go wrong and that being pg and having a baby are not the same thing at all. But maybe that's just me being bitter. Awareness of risk is not the same as worrying though, so you carry on with what is working for you.

OllyBJolly · 10/11/2019 16:06

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P1nkHeartLovesCake · 10/11/2019 16:06

Thing is pregnancy has no safe point, my first baby was stillborn at 35 weeks. So all you can do is keep yourself healthy ( ie no smoking etc) and hope for the best....

Why worry yourself sick, whatever is going to be will be