To not be overly concerned about miscarriage?

[AliceAbsolum]

Please feel free to tell me I'm in denial. DH and I have been TTC for nearly 4 years, we have had multiple rounds of IVF and I've found out recently that it actually ----fucking worked I'm over the moon!

I've looked up the stats and for my age group and weeks pregnant there is currently about a 20% chance I'll miscarry, the risk of course goes down as the pregnancy progesses. I think 20% is OK! Is that weird? I mean I'd prefer 0% of course but I don't think it's terrible odds.

I joined a few pregnancy threads and FB groups and they're full of very anxious ladies. NB: Not criticising this, I can understand anxiety, it's not like I'm frickin zen here. But I left them, because I don't feel THAT worried about it. Right now in this moment, I'm pregnant and that's amazing and what's the point of worrying? I'll worry before 12 weeks, then I'll worry about the 20 week scan, then I'll worry about the birth. Pretty sure when they're born the worry just stops then right?

Do you think I should be more concerned and years of infertility have made me weird about it?

Pretty sure when they're born the worry just stops then right
Hahaha NO.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Worrying won’t change the outcome so if you’re not worried then great and I’m very glad you’re able to relax and enjoy it . Easier said than done for a lot of people though, especially if they’ve had previous losses.

All the best to you and your future LO

I was weird about it. More if it happens it happens, may as well enjoy being pregnant while/if I can. That was after 13yrs of TTC and randomly caught.

Oh, for everyone who is arguing over what a mc is like, please don’t judge others. Their experience is not going to be the same as yours. I have period like mcs which weren’t much of a big deal medically but I’ve also ended up in hospital after properly haemorrhaging. No filling of pads in 30 minutes or whatever the rule is. A pad was filled instantly. I had proper contractions (not as painful as full labour but certainly start of labour like) which resulted in blood being expelled everywhere. It didn’t stop until I had surgery and was the most traumatic experience I’ve had ever. It wasn’t like labour on a toilet but it was like a horror movie on a toilet for sure!

Having had two MCs I am now more laid back about it than ever. I've come to my personal conclusion that what will be will be and there is nothing that I or anyone else can do about it.

I don't really acknowledge my pregnancy until after the 12 week scan other than stopping drinking and taking vitamins. I kind of see it as an extended 2 week wait. More of a 10 week wait I guess. Before then, I think of it as simply a biological process, the same as ovulation, proliferation of cells etc that may or may not result in a baby.

I hope nobody finds that offensive in anyway, but it's a mental state that protects me and helps me stay more detached.

I don't really acknowledge my pregnancy until after the 12 week scan other than stopping drinking and taking vitamins. I kind of see it as an extended 2 week wait. More of a 10 week wait I guess. Before then, I think of it as simply a biological process, the same as ovulation, proliferation of cells etc that may or may not result in a baby.

I love this way of looking at things. When I get pregnant I shall adopt this mindset. Thanks for sharing :)

I had a miscarriage in between my first and 2nd child and it's not a nice experience. I felt 'lucky' to have miscarried early on at around 9 weeks but it was still horrible. Nothing like labour for me though but it did last about 2 weeks. I bled a couple of times when I was pregnant with my second son which was worrying but I still tried not to worry too much and enjoyed being pregnant. My biggest worry was premature labour as I went into spontaneous labour with my first at 30+4, and I did have him early at 33 weeks. He stopped breathing when he was about a month old and I thought I'd lost him. The worry gets worse after they're here in my opinion

Oh and I've just found out that my 6yr old has autism. More worry there too. I'm sure our parents still worry about us even though we're adults lol

It's not a worry until it's happened to you. Then suddenly it is.

My first pregnancy I announced at 5 weeks and didn't even think about miscarriage until it happened at ten weeks. Then I worried throughout my next pregnancy but it was fine. The subsequent pregnancy I was more confident and again it was fine. Fourth pregnancy I was pretty blasé again until it ended in another miscarriage at 9 weeks. And since then I've miscarried twice more (currently waiting for a missed miscarriage at ten weeks to pass) and now I can't imagine I'll ever expect a future pregnancy to stick, if I even want to risk another. What makes it harder is that my pregnancies seem to wait until I'm tantalisingly close to the 12 week mark to suddenly shut down. Miscarrying at 9/10 weeks, having heard or seen a 'healthy' heartbeat at 8ish weeks each time, my risk of miscarriage should have been less than 4%. And yet.

Experience is what shapes us and our reaction to events. I very much hope you never have this particular experience. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy.

I had a miscarriage quite young, didn’t know what was going on until I was in hospital, it was pretty bad. I never gave it a second thought after it was over!

Then I got pregnant and I suddenly remembered every bloody moment of it and I reran it over and over in my head! I do think it’s a case of if you’ve experienced one or not

My mother had several miscarriages but she was never upset about them... I only learnt from online forums that people get upset about them.

Seemed so ordinary I just assumed miscarriages would happen to me, maybe often -- but they never did. I wasn't worried, just expected it to happen a lot.

I therefore learned, in a different way, that pregnancy is unpredictable.

Like someone else said, worrying makes no difference to whether m/c happens. There is no value in worrying.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think it's fantastic that you're not anxious, but I can't really understand why you'd start a thread about something that isn't worrying you? Just crack on with not worrying! As lots of pp have said, worrying about miscarriage is absolutely horrible, and, while I feel very much over my previous miscarriages in general since having DS, I will always feel a pang of jealousy when other people talk about having 'carefree' first pregnancies, and I'll always wonder what it's like to be pregnant and just assume you're getting a baby at the end. I imagine there is some self-preservation in your decision not to worry about it, but I think if you can embrace that then definitely do - worrying about not worrying is such a waste of your time and energy!

I love this way of looking at things. When I get pregnant I shall adopt this mindset. Thanks for sharing smile

I was going to be incredibly rational and see it as just a ball of cells and not get emotionally caught up for each of my four pregnancies (the first three of which ended in miscarriage). It didn't work like that for me, any of the times - hormones and emotions kicked in no matter what I told myself I would feel and do. If you can feel like that then great, but don't beat yourself up if it turns out that it's much more complicated than that for you (I beat myself up endlessly for being 'too upset' about my miscarriages, and blamed myself for letting myself get too invested, and it did absolutely nobody any good at all).

It’s great that you’re in a position not to worry. That’ll help you through for sure because when you embark on motherhood, there is a shit ton to worry about! Just be aware that for a woman that’s miscarried before, pregnancy is an entirely different kettle of fish for her and if you’re on online forums, you will encounter a lot of those women. 20% does seem like good odds but when you’re looking at people in your circle, it is actually an awful lot of women.

Pretty sure when they're born the worry just stops then right?

No. You’re about to live the rest of you’re life worrying about something to do with your child as wonderful as they will be

Congratulations and good luck!

I told myself I'd be the same when I got my BFP and that whatever happens happens and no amount of worrying will change that and then had a miscarriage two weeks ago. I'm very scared to start TTC again and I know I'll worry the whole time.

I think it's great you've got such a positive mindset, congratulations on your PG

Congratulations

I had my second miscarriage in the summer. At 7 weeks we saw a heartbeat so I thought 'phew' and relaxed a little as had read that the risk of miscarriage was only 1 or 2% once there was a heartbeat. Re-scan two weeks later and it had stopped.

If I conceive again, I will always worry.

Good luck - and enjoy. It's a wonderful feeling knowing you're pregnant

It's much better if you can not worry tbh for your sanity. Theres always the risk that no worry at all means if the worst happens it will hit you harder but not necessarily and it's probably healthy to deal with it if rather than driving yourself mad. Interestingly I was IVF pregnancy with my daughter and think I was maybe more worried as I found it hard to believe it worked first time. I didnt worry unhealthy amounts but maybe more and I dont think the worry stops as now I worry a bit at the back of my mind that something will still happen. Your attitude is better x

I would suggest if you aren’t worried then you wouldn’t have created this thread. I ttc for 10 years and did ivf for 3-4, and I got my bfp at the end of the 2nd cycle - I would say if you aren’t worried about miscarriage or problems or stillbirth after everything you have been through then you are definitely in denial. That is worse, and if you can’t get a handle on your true emotions the pnd will hit you hard.

Congratulations. I’m glad you’re not anxious after the journey you’ve had ttc.

I got pregnant first month trying and felt it was “too easy” and “shouldn’t be” and I was basically convinced I’d mc right up till after the 20 week anomaly scan. Everyone I knew (older mum) has struggled and I felt unworthy of such an easy ride. It was all ok I’m happy to say but I still feel unworthy of such good luck.

YANBU to just go ahead and not worry unduly. Odds are your pregnancy will result in a live birth.

I wasn't the least worried with DS.

Then after DS.... I miscarried. It started with spotting, then there was a heartbeat, then after weeks of bleeding it finally gave up the ghost

You bet I worried on the next preg. And I lost it again only much much worse. Think horrific scene in the bathroom, blood everywhere, horrible experience in hospital

I worried for the next preg. Lost it again.

Then managed to have DD and it was a v complicated pregnancy.

By this stage I literally hate being pregnant and am a barrel of nerves every time. A third child is pretty much off the table as a result altho DH and I always said we would try for 3 kids.

I wasn't worried about miscarriage until I had one. I thought they happened to other (mostly older) people. Then I had one and spent every pregnancy after that worrying about miscarriage.

Every miscarriage is different but my first one at 12 weeks was like a bloodbath and involved proper contractions. Not quite as painful as the later part of labour with a full term baby but still very painful.

I had 2 miscarriages before getting pregnant with ds. I then spent the whole pregnancy being terrified I got the slightest pain & shook every time I went to the toilet in case I was bleeding. At 15 weeks I had a bleed while I was at work, I still to this day don't know how I managed to walk back to my desk to ring my husband to come & take me to the hospital. Thankfully ds was born healthy, but I went through 4 more miscarriages over the next 6 years.

Pretty sure when they're born the worry just stops then right?

I hate to break it to you but the worry never stops! Once the baby is born, you'll worry about SIDs/are they gaining enough weight/are they hitting milestones/am is good parent/how long does toddlerhood last and is there enough wine to get me through the endless tantrums and repeats of Peppa Pig?

I'm all seriousness though, congrats OP. Enjoy your pregnancy.

I'm the opposite, I was massively worried about miscarriage and didn't enjoy any of the pregnancy and then I had the first miscarriage, the worst I could imagine had happened and I'd lost the baby, after that I enjoyed every pregnancy, my logic was, I had been miserable through the whole pregnancy worrying about loosing it and it still happened so after that every pregnancy I embraced every minute, I realised I was going to be equally upset if I lost it if I had enjoyed the pregnancy or had fear through it so just put the fears aside and enjoyed any time I had.

@HiJenny35 So interesting, great you were able to do that.

Thank-you for the responses, really helpful.

I think I'm just going to stay in the day/moment. Right now, I'm pregnant....repeat x100000

I worried loads during my pregnancy with my son - from knowing how many of my friends who had had miscarriages I thought it was kind of inevitable. However that was completely smooth sailing. During my next pregnancy I didn't worry at all and that ended in a mmc. I now feel like I was pretty naive to think it couldn't happen to me!