To want to burst out crying?

[HouseCoatAndPopSocks]

But I can’t as I’m devoid of emotion.
I’m sick of myself. I drink heavily 4 nights out of 7 meaning I have a hangover every Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning. These means I feel like shit all weekend. I’m fat (probably because of the drinking) my skin is awful and my hair is just unspeakable. I’m constantly scruffy as my clothes are shit. I have the money to buy new clothes but 1) I can’t be bothered and 2) I think what’s the point because I’m an absolute state anyway.

I’ve given up my hobbies meaning all I do now is go to work and then play on the Sims. I have no friends.

Last night i only ate a few chips and a bite out of my burger and DH threw it away as he didn’t think I wanted it. So yesterday I ate half a tub of vegetable soup and the rest of my calories came from alcohol.

AIBU to wish I could stick myself in boot camp for 6 months? I feel like I need someone else to sort me out yet I know that is unreasonable. I’m on the autistic spectrum too so I feel like nobody understands me.

DH does not support an alcohol free house

Does he force alcohol down your neck?

You are an adult and can choose not to drink. if you can't choose not to drink then you need support to be able to make that choice.

@APerkyPumpkin

I was answering a question regarding DH - I never suggested he forces me to drink

I am sorry OP it sounds like you are stuck in a terrible rut, take small steps.
Here is a virtual hug.

I never suggested he forces me to drink

So get rid of the gaming and stop drinking.

It is your life, your choices and if you cannot make that choice and get support when it is needed, nothing will change will it?

OP do you smoke too.
I imagine your body is crying out for nutrients if you don't eat much and drink lots.
It is giving you a warning hence the anxiety and guilt. Alcohol increases anxiety.
Write down healthy versus unhealthy treats on a weekly basis.
We have to give something back to the body when we push it in the wrong direction.

@HouseCoatAndPopSocks

My father is an alcoholic. Growing up he drank on set days. Just because you don't drink every day doesn't mean you don't have an alcohol problem 💐

I'd say by going to your Marshall arts class two nights a week you're getting exercise and avoiding the game/alcohol on a Thursday night.

And even if it's 'only' beer, doesn't mean you don't have a problem.

I took my sibling to the doctor about 3.5 years ago as he was drinking beer from Thursday to Sunday and still holding down a job but not having any input into their family life.

The doctor suggested AA which blew my sibling away as they hadn't thought they had an alcohol problem.

As soon as my sibling accepted they had a problem, they tried so hard. And this far down the line they no longer drink and are so much healthier. They left an abusive relationship and have such a stable life now.

The partner contributed to the lifestyle that was harming them - probably like yours does.

I vape.

I’m going to do a shop later and try and get some healthy food in. I don’t eat fruit but I do eat veg. I struggle with breakfast, never know what to eat that isn’t full of sugar

If I go to GP and tell them I have an issue with alcohol, what should I expect to happen? I know I need to sort it but I’m not sure I can do it alone. I think 99% of my problems are alcohol related

I don't know what you can expect to happen - but visiting the GP is certainly a good first step.

Well done for acknowledging g you have a problem and a willingness to address it, irrespective of the root cause(s)

I know how odd this sounds and I can’t explain it myself ... so I’m not addicted to the game or the alcohol ... I think I’m addicted to the schedule ... the combination of both and habit of the days of the week.

That's bullshit. It's really not how addiction works.

Anyhow. You've admitted that there is a problem. That's a great first step.

Why does your husband not support an alcohol free house?

Did you tell him that you have an alcohol problem and that you need an alcohol free house?
Or was it more a suggestion/a comment about how an alcohol free house would be nice?
If it was the former:
sounds to me like he himself couldn't be without drinking at home or like he simply doesn't want to prioritise you over his casual drinking.
Neither of these scenarios are particularly great...

If you didn't tell him about why you need an alcohol free house... Could you try again? It really does sound like it would be immensely helpful.

Just saw your last update

Leftovers from last evening (if they're a healthy meal), toast (whole grain?) with a non-sugary topping (avocado, eggs, tomatoes, fish etc), vegetarian chili (one of my favorites), hash browns, beans, porridge, a green smoothie or maybe a proteine shake?

OP, you can't control what your husband does, whether he is being helpful or not, but you can control what you do. I wouldn't get too hung up on whether you think you fit the definition of an alcoholic, addictions are spoiling your life. Accepting that and accepting that you have lost control over it is the first step to getting help. Look after you first and think about your relationships with other people later. I agree with the people saying that if most of your calories are coming from alcohol you will have nutritional deficiencies.

I get this OP. For a while (years) I did the same thing albeit in a different way. It started when I had to work in the evenings after a day of childcare, so I'd have a glass of wine to cheer me up and relieve the boredom (it was very tedious work...). Then a glass turned into a bottle and soon there was more drinking than working. But the drinking was very much associated with sitting at the computer on those evenings. If I didn't sit at the computer, and if I didn't have that first glass, then I didn't drink and had no need to. I'm not sure how how useful the phrase 'alcoholic' is - for me it made me feel helpless in the face of my habit. However when I rephrased it as 'having issues with alcohol', I felt I could take steps to address my behaviour. I also think I was depressed and the alcohol was a way of self medicating. In fact the alcohol was a massive depressant and I feel loads better since I stopped.

I've gone from a bottle a night, every night, to having the odd glass every couple of months on a night out. Even that gives me a cracking hangover so I'll probably end up packing it in all together but I'm happy with where I am for just now. Here's what I did - some of it might be useful for you.

1. Got away from my desk (in your case the Sims). I drank because I was bored, unhappy and depressed. I changed things up by rescheduling my work pattern - I stopped working from home and got a desk space in an office. I never work at nights now because it would be easy to slip back into old habits. The equivalent would be you stopping Sims in the evenings. The issue is finding something else to do instead...
2. I found new hobbies. At first it was as simple as doing jigsaw in the evening while listening to podcasts. It required zero effort but engaged my brain. Now I've signed up for a course in a subject I love and spend evenings either at classes, or doing coursework, which I really enjoy. I am no longer bored and my self esteem has rocketed. You've got your martial arts, but you might also find a couple of new indoor hobbies to fill the gap. Choose things that are hard to do when pissed - model making, painting, knitting - something practical!
3. I listened to a lot of podcasts (on all subjects) and read a lot of quit-lit which strengthened my resolve re not drinking- The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, Mrs D is going without, the Sober revolution etc. A big part of stopping is realising that you're not actually giving anything up. There is a big community out there dedicated to being alcohol free. If you join Club Soda, or Soberistas on FB there are loads of people in the same boat.
4. I looked at my relationship with my DH. (This is a work in progress!). We were living separate lives in the same house, and he was drinking too much too. Initially, when I stopped, he actually started drinking MORE but then, astonishingly, he cut back then stopped too. We still need to do more together (we are both prone to getting absorbed in our own things) but things are improving. Maybe it is time to take a long hard look at your relationship and ask yourself whether it is giving you what you need?

Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful to you. I just wanted to say that you CAN get out of this rut and be happy. You really can.

Does it suit your DH to have you pissed and preoccupied all of the time?

As a pp said, you have taken an important step, posting here and accepting that you have a problem.

Eggs are good for a sugar free breakfast. A slice of toast with them won't hurt. My GP also recommended a carrot sandwich if you want a change from eggs!

Yy to doing your hobby - martial arts - on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then think about how to do something else on a Friday, or a weekend day to cut out another day of gaming/drinking.

I also have traits of ADHD and a very addictive personality/dominated by routine. I totally get the "I don't need to drink, but if I start then I can't stop". For me it's chocolate - I can do without it, but if I start then I will eat obscene amounts. It's good to change the triggers, but also try to have a substitute. So if something triggers you to want to drink, have, for example, chewing gum to hand and swap that in.

Driving long journeys used to trigger my need to start eating chocolate. ( I don't get it if someone else is driving.) So now I pack a bag of crisps, two biscuits and an apple - for any long journey.

HTH. Best of luck

OP, it's a really good idea to go to martial arts on Tuesdays. One thing martial arts help develop is self discipline. (DS1 is very self disciplined. The rest of us aren't. I aske dhim where he thought it came from and he said doing martial arts from the age of 5-10.) It may help your mindset.

If you go on Tuesdays you might want to go on Thursday more. And you could shift the routine so that playing Sims is weekend only.

I agree with others that AA would be worth trying. But if /while you are still drinking I massively recommend getitng some alcohol free beers in. Bavaria does a really nice lager - and apparently nanny state,. San Miguel, Becks and others are also good. Make them really chilled and line them up so that most of the lagers you drink are AF. The habit is the drinking. And they are malty and refreshing - you will barely notice there's no alcohol in them.

At sme point this Sims and booze habit began. So logically, you could begin a new habit that is better for you: running or volunteering or going out dancing or to a comedy show with your DH every Friday night etc.

That’s bullshit. It’s really not how addiction works

No, but the OP clearly states that she has ASD. And it can be how autism works.

You'll get there OP. Throw a veg stir fry on for lunch, I throw in an extra onion mushroom some cooked chicken then I don't feel so guilty.
You can do this, it is habit but can turn nasty.
I always believed my Dad was a functioning alcohol he went to the pub 5 nights a week, he lost his job and cut back to one. I think it was worse knowing he'd the choice to only go with one night all along.
Instead of pissing his money away when we were young and poor.
Watch a YouTuber on addiction he talks about filling your life, it was a social experiment on rats but very very interesting.
I will look for it and add a link.
Get busy you can do this. ♥️

Get honeydew melon and parma ham for breakfasts! They are so tasty together!

Hiya OP. I’m AS too, and also like Sims. I think the kind of people who like it get off on completing small tasks, having a goal, working towards it, ticking things off. Those are actually good qualities to have, and I get it. Those parts of your brain are lighting up in a way that is HARD to replicate in real life.

Would it help to make a list / trello board of real life things you’d actually like to achieve? From small shit like seeing the bottom of the laundry basket, medium stuff like going up a grade (? I don’t do sports 😄) in martial arts, big stuff like saving up towards that place you’ve always wanted to go, making an itinerary of all the stuff you want to visit while you’re there, how you’re going to get the cash etc.

You know that your current schedule isn’t working for your physical & mental health. You know what you have to STOP doing. Sounds like you’re at a loss as to what to replace it with? Can you remember what you used to like doing?

Instead of gaming, do something different at the time you usually game. Start learning a new skill online instead. Try Udemy or even YouTube.

Pick up a book - grab a cup of tea and just sit and have a good read. Try for 20 mins to start with - something you really enjoy. I think that people have lost the ability to relax and enjoy a good read - I have recently pushed myself to get back into reading and have found it quite calming and comforting.

That's a lovely post from @Feelsdeadpeople with some really good suggestions, @HouseCoatAndPopSocks