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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend uses me as a diary

49 replies

Phoenixxx · 10/11/2019 07:00

I don't want to sound ungrateful because I know these days there are so many people who don't stay in contact etc.
But I have a friend who lives in another country, we message every day but these days I have less time to reply as I am out the house for 13 hours most days.
When I get back i'm zonked and often falling asleep in front of the TV by 9.

There is a different time zone and when I turn my phone on in the morning I often wake up to 7 different messages from her. She has actually joked before that I am her diary and she will literally write to me whatever comes into her head.

I get messages like 'oh I think I left my gym bag at home.' 'Oh actually no I didn't'.

She will send me 3 different YouTube videos a day and I rarely have time to watch them.
I will often wake up to 6 different paragraphs all about different subjects and I don't know where to start.

At the moment she has a crush on someone who has a girlfriend and her messages are largely 'signs' he likes her.

One day I was moving house, I had to have the house empty the next day. She wanted to message to discuss a guy she liked and I replied politely that I would but I was literally moving the next day. She took it badly and sent me 7 'thumbs up' in a row on Facebook.

Would you say something ? I'm grateful she wants to be in contact and I am happy to give her advice but I feel sometimes that she expects me to be 'on call' and sometimes i'm just too tired or busy.

OP posts:

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 10/11/2019 07:04

It sounds like you need to disengage from it a bit. If you are too tired or busy then just don't reply. If that causes her a problem you may have to reconsider how important the friendship is to you, and whether you want it to continue.

Original poster

Phoenixxx · 10/11/2019 07:06

Thanks. Ive been taking less time to reply because I am busy and tired, but she just sends me more messages rather than waiting so it just means I have even more to reply to 😂

OP posts:

Smelborp · 10/11/2019 07:06

God that sounds annoying.

Original poster

Phoenixxx · 10/11/2019 07:07

I have also just started replying to certain ones and not the 'oh did I turn the oven off' ones.

OP posts:

pasturesgreen · 10/11/2019 07:11

I'm grateful she wants to be in contact

Except she doesn't really, sorry OP. Sharing inane ramblings about her gym bag or multiple YouTube videos a day is not keeping in contact, it's dumping messages on you that

FunOnTheBeach20 · 10/11/2019 07:13

I have a friend like that, she has no other friends and just tells me random crap about her day. She will occasionally ask how I am, but never acknowledge what I’ve actually said. She is so self absorbed and your friend sounds the same. Start lengthening time between replies and don’t respond to all the drivel!

SnuggyBuggy · 10/11/2019 07:13

I'd start mentally filtering some of these. It sounds like you are being used as a sounding board sometimes and a reply isn't always necessary anyway

pasturesgreen · 10/11/2019 07:17

Sorry, posted too soon...

What I meant to add is, she's just bombarding you with messages about irrelevant stuff that are making you anxious (you're waking up to loads of them and feel like you have to reply). All that after you've told her you're busy/tired.

I'll continue to disengage a bit like you said you've started doing. Barring exceptional circumstances, there's really no need to be in touch every day multiple times a day with a friend who's making it all about her.

CAG12 · 10/11/2019 07:26

Id ignore the irrelevant crap and reply only to the stuff that warrants a reply.

Leflic · 10/11/2019 07:28

Sorry. Why is seven thumbs up taking it baldly? I put thumbs up to say I agree or understand with something. Am I not doing it right?

SueSnell · 10/11/2019 07:32

I wondered the same thing @Leflic !!

Picklericky · 10/11/2019 07:32

She is using you OP.
Time to distance yourself and protect yourself from this emotionally draining behaviour.
How many times does she ask how you are or make time for things you have going on in your life?
My mum can be like this. It makes me feel like a dustbin, absorbing all her crap.
So now I only speak to her when I want to, on my own terms.
You deserve better

Original poster

Phoenixxx · 10/11/2019 07:33

Thanks for the replies. About the thumbs up yes you are right, just on this occasion she sent me 7 in a row which I think she did as she was mad i'd told her I was too busy.
I will just ignore the irrelevant stuff. I feel bad because she always replies within an hour or two at the most but I feel that she is using me as something to vent off to.

OP posts:

Chloe84 · 10/11/2019 07:38

1 thumbs up is fine, 7 are passive aggressive and sarcastic.

There is no way I would reply to these messages. I get messages from friends/relatives in other countries and they sometimes say they notice I haven't downloaded the pics / videos they sent me on whatsapp. I've set the expectation that I rarely go on whatsapp, so they now don't offended when I don't reply.

I get anxiety when I have lots of messages to reply to. I much prefer meeting friends face to face, long drawn conversations via messages is not my thing and I am not obliged to have them.

HundredMilesAnHour · 10/11/2019 07:42

I think you just need to stop responding unless it's a message that genuinely requires a response. Or just check your messages once a day, respond once and then don't even look at her messages again for 24 hours. She gets her slot once each day and that's it.

Do you think she's on the spectrum maybe? She sounds incredibly self-absorbed. I have a friend who was diagnosed with Aspergers in his late 40s and he now his Facebook posts as a diary almost. Sounds very similar to what your friend writes. Lots of random stuff but it also means that his friends get to keen an eye on him (he has MH issues and has attempted suicide in the past) so we can step in when he hits a bad patch. He finds it really useful as an outlet and is very open that Facebook is his diary. Sounds very similar to your friend except she's using messaging you instead OP.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/11/2019 07:44

If you want to keep the friendship going, you have to say something, as the alternative is that you treat her messages like all the other spam you get, and ignore it, block it or filter it into a folder that you never look at.

And I'd do that whether busy or not. No-one has the brain space to deal with all the crap she's sending you.

Do you ever call/skype for a chat? Any chance of meeting up somewhere or visiting each other?

borntobequiet · 10/11/2019 07:49

I read dairy.

DarlingCoffee · 10/11/2019 07:51

I have a friend like this. It’s exhausting filtering through the messages. I’ve started to disengaged from them now and feel a lot better in myself. I agree with the other posters you need to set firm boundaries as it doesn’t sound like the friendship is a two way street.

Heldupwithscaffolding · 10/11/2019 07:54

Even if you weren't busy or tired OP, you should not feel compelled to reply to this level of messaging it's insane.

I don't understand why do people do this and why their friends indulge them by replying .

purplepalace · 10/11/2019 07:59

With all this talking about herself...does she ever ask about your life?

insanepizza · 10/11/2019 07:59

Agree with others. Just reply to relevant things. SIL is a bit like this and now does it to DD (13) who I'm teaching unless it's relevant just ignore.

justilou1 · 10/11/2019 08:02

I would ignore... you are clearly becoming resentful. (Quite rightly) You are not a robot designed to help her process thoughts. Adults should be able to do this by themselves. She sounds at best very immature, but is probably an emotional vampire who is incapable of separating her needs from yours. Only hers exist.

Original poster

Phoenixxx · 10/11/2019 08:04

Thanks for the replies. She may do this to another friend too but not sure, she doesn't really go out of her way to ask anything about me but sometimes If I say something she will reply, other times she will just gloss over it.
If she was in a relationship for example I imagine she would be doing this with her partner instead.
As others have suggested I am going to just ignore the 'irrelevant' messages and reply only when I have the time as opposed to feeling compelled to more frequently.

OP posts:

SunshineAngel · 10/11/2019 08:08

I had a friend sort of like this (though yours sounds more extreme!) and I actually distanced myself on purpose, gradually increasing the time that it took me to respond, until eventually I was only texting a couple of times a day.

She never even bothers texting me at all now. I think she got the message but it wasn't easy.

This woman was never really my close friend, it's just that she had no others, sadly.

justilou1 · 10/11/2019 08:12

Another thing you can do is throw it back to her...
Respond like this....
“Fine thanks. Thanks for asking.”
“Yes. I’m exhausted. Really busy day. How thoughtful of you to have noticed.”
Make sure you’re making comments that point out that she HASN’T asked how you are or noticed that you might be tired, or have things going on in your life. Handball everything back to her like she does to you. Bet she suddenly gives you space.

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