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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is taking the piss with his hobbies and activities at weekends?

83 replies

Prinny1 · 09/11/2019 22:02

Both of us work full time. We co-own our own business. Two DC, ages 9 and 15.

Every Friday evening DH goes to the pub to meet friends at about 4pm. Gets home anytime between 8 and 11, tipsy. Is snoring on sofa within 5 minutes of getting in. Leaves all making dinner/clearing away/sorting younger DC out/sorting dogs out to me. Won't chat or communicate when he gets home.

Every Saturday; goes off to do one of several hobbies as early as 7.30 am. Today was clay pigeon shooting with friends followed by a long hike with same friends. Gets in anytime from 5pm onwards. Moans about how tired he is, then falls asleep on the sofa. Has no interaction with any of us when he gets home. Tonight he's been snoring away on the sofa, mouth open, since 7pm. All chores/sorting dogs out/ferrying DC to activities are left to me all day.

On Sundays he spends the day lounging around, moaning about how tired he is from the previous day.

AIBU to think he's taking the piss? He thinks I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:
champagneandfromage50 · 09/11/2019 22:47

sounds like your living with a flat mate. Nothing seems to have changed for him since you have had DC, do you actually ever do anything together or as a family. You may as well ask him to leave as it doesnt sound like him disappearing will have any impact on your life. Your like his mum

Weenurse · 09/11/2019 22:47

Plan a weekend away from Friday pm.
Preferably one where he can’t use others as child care.
Maybe take DM and MIL with you.
Don’t plan meals and let him know DC activities and school uniforms will need washing as well.
To be ‘helpful’, leave a list of the things you usually do and chores to be attended.
Then leave him to it.
Do this once a month.
Then discuss plans going forward.

PerkyPomPoms · 09/11/2019 22:50

You are letting him get away with this! Forget fair, get your time to do stuff. He’s a father he should step up

UsernamechangedbyMNHQ · 09/11/2019 22:50

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GormlessLeech · 09/11/2019 22:51

If you opted out of this shit life, he would have to parent his kids 50% of the time. Your life would be significantly easier if you weren’t burdened with that shit excuse of an adult in your life.

worriedmumtoteen · 09/11/2019 22:52

What a lazy, thoughtless, useless twat. Ask him how much time you get to yourself. Ask him how much time he gets. Ask if he thinks that’s fair. See what he says.

Same for dividing up household jobs. Entitled bellend. And so selfish - why have dc then do nothing with/for them?!

GormlessLeech · 09/11/2019 22:52

Go and see a solicitor this week, enjoy your life, show your kids that women don’t exist to serve men who sleep in their house. That man is no husband and no father, he’s showing his contempt for you all loud and clear. Believe him.

Weenurse · 09/11/2019 22:52

Alternatively plot everything you both do in a week.
Call a meeting and allocate everything equally, from business to home.
Allocate DC age appropriate chores as well.
Then divvy up leisure time equally.
He can’t argue about you being unfair after that if it is all on paper in front of him.

busybarbara · 09/11/2019 22:54

This is the sort of behaviour that sex bans were designed for.

Weenurse · 09/11/2019 22:54

Visiting a lawyer is good as well.

Preggosaurus9 · 09/11/2019 22:55

Utter piss take. Disgusting behaviour. He can take his moaning and fuck right off!

TheMarschallin · 09/11/2019 22:55

It’s a cliche but when someone is telling and showing you who they are, you have to listen and look and take it in.

It sounds like he doesn’t want to be married to you, or part of your children’s lives in a meaningful way.

I would suggest you sit him down and ask him what he wants in 10 years time. Does he want a wife and children who will talk to him and spend time with him? If he does, he has to start putting some effort in now.

You have a 15 yr old. They will be an adult soon and you DH will have wrecked his chance to have a meaningful relationship with them.

BanginChoons · 09/11/2019 22:58

I was with a man like this for 10 years, doing as he pleased while I ran myself into the ground doing all the work. He did not change, regardless of what I did or said. I left with the children and my life is so much more enjoyable.

TwoBoxers · 09/11/2019 23:02

Clay pigeon shooting? So you have access to a gun. I'll give you an alibi!!
Seriously, it might be a good idea to announce that you have plans and will be out all day. Your children are old enough cope without you for a day, just take yourself off somewhere. Just get the hell out of your house and leave your selfish tosser of a husband to fend for himself.
Pm me if you need the alibi Grin

VanyaHargreeves · 09/11/2019 23:02

You need to tell him that if he continues to opt out of family life, he can opt out permanently

Also if you do ANYTHING for him in regards to laundry or meals STOP

Because why SHOULD you?

He is cocklodging

likeafishneedsabike · 09/11/2019 23:06

These posts worry me a bit. How on earth can the OP (or anyone in their right mind) doubt that this is unreasonable behaviour? It smacks of gaslighting and manipulation by the male of the house. OP, your other half is being a knob.

ferntwist · 09/11/2019 23:06

YANBU. He’s a rubbish dad and a selfish partner.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/11/2019 23:10

Well my Dad was like this. Not a nasty man, I mean I think he loved us. But he basically did his own thing throughout my childhood. As an adult I had no real bond with him, nothing to say to him and worst of all, no particular sense of loss when he passed away.

Kittenbittenmitten · 09/11/2019 23:10

Oh god. He needs to get in the bin. He's opting out of family life. Ask him why he's choosing to behave as a single man

incognitomum · 09/11/2019 23:18

Is any of this helping OP?

He's checked out by the sounds of it.

Pipsandpops · 09/11/2019 23:19

wouldn't actually mind him going out and doing hobbies if he didn't a)fall asleep the second he gets in b) wasn't totally uncommunicative and c) didn't moan constantly about being tired when he's been doing what he wants all day.

But being as he does all of the above you would be better getting rid of him and just having a fee paying lodger. He sounds like a totally crap father / partner and you do not want to be in the same situation 3/5/7/10 years down the line.
Time for a tough conversation.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/11/2019 23:24

This would give me the rage OP and I’d be having strong word eventually backed up by a divorce ultimatum. That’s not a partnership.

Csleeptime · 09/11/2019 23:25

Not acceptable OP, put your big girl pants on and make a change. Who gives a shit if he thinks it's unreasonable, just don't tolerate it any more.

nanbread · 09/11/2019 23:27

Why does he think you're unreasonable?

Does he think he works harder or something?

EKGEMS · 09/11/2019 23:28

BoomBoomscousin Has the correct response to his lazy ass

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