To have walked out on dh for this....

[ritaBx]

I've come to my mums for the night

Basically this morning I found out I had been left some inheritance. Not a massive amount but it took me by surprise. My family member died 3 weeks ago. And I have struggled with it. Partly because he wasn't the nicest person and treated some members of my family very badly. But he was always good to me and loved my kids to bits. I hardly saw him much at the end, I felt bad for not going but also just angry with him.

Anyway I woke up to find a small amount of money in my bank account. And I didn't know how to feel about it. I told my dh and he told me to spend it on something useful - I.e paying for what we've put on credit card for Xmas or a new fence.

But that didn't sit right with me. I'd like to split it into 3 and put it in my dcs child trust fund accounts. It feels right for me....

Dh not happy about this and gets a bit short with me. I was already crying as I really am struggling with the family member I've lost death. I've just not shown it (as usual)

So this then results in an argument. I tell dh I'm struggling. He doesn't listen and turns it around on me because I've gone in a mood with him.

I then tell him I'm sick of not being able to speak, he doesn't listen, makes everything about himself and I'm fed up of running around after him all the time. I don't work as 3 dcs, one with additional needs and one a baby. He thinks I have the life of luxury but I don't. I work my arse off at home. Keep on top of everything. Never ever sit and watch tv etc etc....

Anyway tonight he's still not speaking to me. I make tea, he doesn't want it. I ask him to watch the baby so I can get a few jobs done, he tells me he will do it so I can't throw anything back in his face.

The atmosphere is awful so I've gone to my mums with the baby. I tried to talk to him calmly before i left but he just totally ignored me and carried on watching tv

YABU if he is stressing about being the sole financial provider, you’ve gone into credit card debt for Xmas & now you’ve come into some money won’t use to wipe the debt, but putting it in child’s “trust fund account”

I thought “trust funds” were for wealthy people, why do your kids need a trust fund ? Do you mean just saving for their university or a trust they will have full access to at a certain age?

I don’t understand saving for the future when you’re in credit card debt now. I think this is what your husband is taking issue with. He is stressing about finances & you’re not making smart financial choices with money.

The problem isn't the money!
It's the fact that the OP doesn't have a Voice.

No wonder you never fall out- it's all his way!

Maybe he doesn’t let you finish or hears what you have to say because you don’t listen about financial issues ? I bet he is worried about bills & you’re letting emotions run the show. If you went into Cc debt for kid’s Xmas presents PLUS gave them the trust money then because of your children this has been a very expensive Xmas

You say you’re not in “that much” debt & financially stable. I predict you have a more relaxed attitude to finances & your DH is worried. You are BU to not hear his worries & expect him to listen to your emotional reasons which to him, are simply not based in reality.

If he is avoiding your eye gaze it indicates a lack of respect. I don’t think he is respecting your decision to unilaterally put the family in more debt, give your kids extra cash gifts & not use the money to actually help the family get out of debt.

I am with your husband here. You don’t seem on the same page in terms of your financial goals

Savings are not savings when you are in debt. I predict he has explained this to you, but you don’t listen to him

Maybe the husband doesn’t feel he has a voice when he is bringing up debt & bills & the OP puts money in a kids trust fund - trust funds are not for families struggling with debt.

Some people get very stressed about debt over their heads, especially as the sole financial provider for a family of 5. I predict he feels unsupported & doesn’t want to listen to emotionally charged opinions when he is stuck with the reality of servicing this debt.

If someone was continually being silly with money & it affected me, I would stop hearing their “voice” too.

Op when you do disagree is money & family finances a recurring issue?

The “one thing” in your relationship is that he doesn’t let you speak.... that’s a massive thing as he basically feels you don’t matter and he doesn’t need to listen.

Heaven knows having a kid with SEN and a baby is hard enough but when you have a partner with whom you can’t communicate - that’s dire.

There is a chance he may not realise he’s doing it - honestly. What kind of work does he do, what kind of work did you do pre kids and has he always been like this or has it been since kids or since kids AND becoming a SAHM?

[btw I have three children under six and I’ve just started to work again and it’s so SO much easier than being a SAHM, so few people GET that it’s major]

She's already said they're not struggling with debt so why do people keep saying she is?

Because she said they aren’t in “that much” debt & not struggling doesn’t mean this is true.

It could be true, but someone who was out of touch with the family finances would also say that.

The fact the husband suggested paying off the Cc they went into debt to for Xmas presents & buying a new fence suggests to me their finances aren’t great.

She said they're financially stable.

I have a credit card. Gets paid off every month, zero interest. Collects points too which we convert to cash or gift cards. We have plenty of savings and no debt. A credit card doesn't equal loads of debt.

Wow, so many people brushing over the complete lack of respect this man has for the OP, all because Mr Big Balls works, poor thing. OPs life is clearly a cake walk, no big deal looking after 2 kids, one with SEN, and a baby, and then she acts like a princess by expecting her husband to listen to her and understand her point of view in an argument. Not just this argument (as many here seem to be pretending) but all arguments.

Yes I can see his point in this case, and I can see yours too, but having a point doesn’t give him the right to act like such a child. Stay at your mums for a few days, let him look after the 2 kids on his own, he might start to realise your life isn’t so easy.

I'm going to sound harsh OP, but you both sound as bad as each other. He didn't understand you, you didn't understand him. He went off into a sulk and you skulked off to your mums, dragging her into it when you didn't get your own way. You both sound emotionally immature and neither of you sound capable of having a grown up conversation about it.