To have walked out on dh for this....

[ritaBx]

I've come to my mums for the night

Basically this morning I found out I had been left some inheritance. Not a massive amount but it took me by surprise. My family member died 3 weeks ago. And I have struggled with it. Partly because he wasn't the nicest person and treated some members of my family very badly. But he was always good to me and loved my kids to bits. I hardly saw him much at the end, I felt bad for not going but also just angry with him.

Anyway I woke up to find a small amount of money in my bank account. And I didn't know how to feel about it. I told my dh and he told me to spend it on something useful - I.e paying for what we've put on credit card for Xmas or a new fence.

But that didn't sit right with me. I'd like to split it into 3 and put it in my dcs child trust fund accounts. It feels right for me....

Dh not happy about this and gets a bit short with me. I was already crying as I really am struggling with the family member I've lost death. I've just not shown it (as usual)

So this then results in an argument. I tell dh I'm struggling. He doesn't listen and turns it around on me because I've gone in a mood with him.

I then tell him I'm sick of not being able to speak, he doesn't listen, makes everything about himself and I'm fed up of running around after him all the time. I don't work as 3 dcs, one with additional needs and one a baby. He thinks I have the life of luxury but I don't. I work my arse off at home. Keep on top of everything. Never ever sit and watch tv etc etc....

Anyway tonight he's still not speaking to me. I make tea, he doesn't want it. I ask him to watch the baby so I can get a few jobs done, he tells me he will do it so I can't throw anything back in his face.

The atmosphere is awful so I've gone to my mums with the baby. I tried to talk to him calmly before i left but he just totally ignored me and carried on watching tv

You are upset. He made what is a very sensible and rational suggestion and because you are grieving you are not seeing it as that. I totally get it, but paying off debt is going to be a much better solution than paying into trust funds. You can put the money into trust funds later once you have paid off your debt.

He was bu to not talk to you, but to be fair my DP does this to me, as if I'm upset I'm not often logical or reasonable myself.

Sleep on it, maybe work out how much and how long it will take to pay off the debts and see if that changes how you feel. Personally I'd use a bit for something nice so I could say I'd enjoyed it and the rest on debts.

So sorry for your loss op but although your dh has been dick it sounds actually odd like hes got his own worries or issues? Could he be possibly thinking worrying about paying the Christmas debt off and lost some sleep over ot? When I've had debt Bill's to pay it plays on my mind but unlike normal people when unexpected money lands on my lap instead of thinking oh il treat myself or the dc I think oh thank f#ck for that I can pay of that bill! Il be able to sleep peacefully, maybe it's the same for your dp but hes went the wrong way about things. Maybe your dh isn't ok hes possibly got lots of thoughts weighing down heavily?

Is this the way your H usually behaves when you have a disagreement?
What a jerk.

It is possible, under the small estates rule, for money to be released from the bank account of a deceased person - if the estate is valued at under about £3000. But there is a delay in the probate office of three months atm. My fil died in January and estate is still not finalised!

Anyway. If you’re buying Xmas pressies on credit, op, then use the cash to pay off your cc. But it sounds like you need to talk to your dh about how to Resolve arguments.

I then tell him I'm sick of not being able to speak, he doesn't listen, makes everything about himself and I'm fed up of running around after him all the time. I don't work as 3 dcs, one with additional needs and one a baby. He thinks I have the life of luxury but I don't. I work my arse off at home. Keep on top of everything. Never ever sit and watch tv etc etc.

How often does he look after the dc on his own? Sounds like he needs to do it a lot more.

Sorry but I can see why your dh is annoyed...although it doesn't excuse the behaviour. You don't sound like you're rolling in cash so I can understand why he'd want that money to be put towards clearing your debt or something practical. Sleep on it and discuss when you've both calmed down.

Your upset and grieving so you had a row, but leaving won,t solve it. You need to talk together and ;isten to his point of view and line proes and cons.

Are you sure the cash is inheritance? It would be highly unusual to receive anything so soon.

Always pay off debt first. There is no point having little amounts of cash set aside for children if you are trying to clear debts.

Also, the argument is not really about the inheritance. That's just one bit of it, it sounds like you have a lot of issues going on.

You need to talk together and ;isten to his point of view and line proes and cons.
How exactly do you propose she do that, june.
He is ignoring her and refuses to speak to her.

It is incredibly early to receive anything from a deceased persons estate, even if money can be released you wouldn’t be a priority in the pecking order of who gets paid. It takes up to a year to finalise the legal and financial side of someone dying especially if they are unmarried and private is needed.

probate not private

Are you sure that the money you've received is inheritance, it usually takes months even in straightforward cases.

Sorry for your loss OP

Basically this morning I found out I had been left some inheritance ...My family member died 3 weeks ago...Anyway I woke up to find a small amount of money in my bank account

Agree with previous posters, it's impossible for an executor to have obtained Probate and then distributed funds of an estate within that time-frame.
No-one 'wakes up to find money in their bank account' unless they have previously given their details to someone before that for that particular purpose. Executors don't automatically have beneficiaries' bank details.

That aside, you need to sit down with your DH and decide how you're both going to move forward, manage your finances and care for your children. You both need to communicate more and pull together to make life better for all of you.

In NI I had access to my deceased dad's monies within about three weeks. It was all transferred to the account I nominated (my own) and then I sent put equal shares into the rest of the families accounts. It wasn't much money though.

The troll hunting on this thread is ridiculous. Report to MNHQ like you're meant to rather than pretending to be Mrs Bloody Marple and possibly making someone who is genuinely grieving and has just fell out with her husband feel even worse.

If the deceased had a relative, they may have paid the bequests... my mother did this when my father died. Everything was coming to her, other than these small bequests - and they had joint accounts etc. So she just paid them, so they didn't linger.

Whilst I think people are getting distracted from the point OP, I have to say I think YABU. You are in debt but want to take 'your' money and put it to something you'd like rather than contributing to the pot that's obviously not plentiful. How he speaks to you is a different matter but I understand why he's so cross about this.

There was no estate. My family member lived in a council house, had very little money. What was left in his bank account at the end was split. I've said it is a very little amount.

We aren't in masses amounts of debt. We are financially stable. My family member adored my dcs which is why I thought I'd just split it as I feel he would been happy with that. Rather than me just paying off a credit card. He had very little money so I'd like to to go to something meaningful for my family members sake

If pay towards the debt, seems the sensible thing to do. However your DH did act like a dick.

Your DH acted badly but if you are in debt, I would use it to pay it off. I understand you're looking after 3 DC but financially it falls to your DH alone and that is hard. It's better to pay off debts then save. I hope he does apologise for ignoring you, that's a horrible way to behave

I'm sure my sister paid my mum's estate out very quickly as it was a small sum and she had access to my mums bank account.

I kind of feel for your H to be honest. I’m divorced now but when married didn’t work as had 2 kids, I never helped my H if I did ever get money and saw it as my own - we both ended up getting into debt and was too nice to approach me about it. Looking back I really wish I had not been so selfish and entitled and could have seen he was working so hard to support me and our family.

I think you should offer at the very least to pay your credit card off.
Maybe he won’t help as much with the kids as he’s working his butt off to support you all - not saying this is right, but if you won’t share cash when you get it, maybe he feels why should he help more. Go home and talk, me and my exH didn’t a s that’s why we’re now divorced.

The issue is he doesn't let me speak. If he would of just let me explain why I thought giving it to the kids was a good option, we wouldn't have fallen out. After that, he just turned it around onto him constantly and how I've made him feel.

This is the one bug bear I have in our marriage. He either doesn't listen to me (for example he won't lift his eyes off his phone when I'm trying to speak to him about something) or its just not important.

I do get what everyone is saying and I can see it. Obviously I didn't know I was getting this money and emotion took over. But dh didn't even try understand that.

Whenever we speak, I will apologise for upsetting him and say I do see it from his point of view. But he won't even try see it from mine and that's the problem.

We hardly ever argue to be honest. And I never know what to do when we do fall out

He behaved like a dick and he sounds difficult. That said, I think the inheritance should be a joint decision, he has the financial burden currently and I think if I was in his position I wouldn't be happy for you to put it in the kids' accounts if the money would be helpful to the family now. That said if he isn't someone you can communicate with how can you make joint decisions.

Basically the reason I thought about putting it in the kids accounts was basically because after he died, I was informed the only thing that made me smile in his final days was when he was shown pictures of my dcs. To me that's just so emotional. And that's why it was my first thought

It's fine it's your first thought, and you're allowed an opinion of course, but it should be a family decision looking at your finances as a whole. Being a sole earner responsible for 5 people is a huge pressure, it's a bit disrespectful to dismiss that and make a financial decision on your own. HOWEVER, that is not accounting for any of his other behaviour so I'm not saying it's as easy as that.

Yanbu. It's your money so your choice. I hope you sort out your relationship issues op