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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask what to do

28 replies

Justrina · 09/11/2019 20:31

Namechanged

My son is 16. His ex girlfriend gave birth to his son about 4 months ago.

He was very nice to her and told her she was lying about him being the dad but then he said he didn't care about her or baby and he blocked her number and on social media etc. He also told her I didn't care (not true).

I can't believe he said that to her but what should I do as I do care? And want to see grandson.

OP posts:
MrsFoxPlus4Again · 09/11/2019 20:32

Contact her, or contact her parents and talk about it if it’s possible.

Nicknacky · 09/11/2019 20:33

What have you done so far?

CAG12 · 09/11/2019 20:33

Reach out to her yourself, explain to your son why you're doing it.

Be prepared for her to not want anything to do with you though

Jellykat · 09/11/2019 20:41

Presumably his ex is 16 too? In which case her parents will be picking up the slack and she lives at home still..
I'd contact the parents and explain that you'd like to help, although if your grandson is already 4 months old, you're going to have to do a fair bit of explaining!

Spied · 09/11/2019 20:42

Do you know the family? Possibly Aunts/Uncle's or people who you could speak to and say how you feel and maybe help with facilitating a meeting with the girls parents in the first instance?
I'd keep off social media. I'd also be very wary of knocking on their door.
Could you send a letter addressed to her parents telling them how you feel? Obviously being mindful to how you feel personally rather than bringing your son into it at this stage.
I think it's up to the girls parents to decide whether they believe their daughter is up to hearing from you just yet. 16yo with a young baby she may not be ready.

Tunnocks34 · 09/11/2019 20:43

Well firstly I’d be offering some form of financial support. Then just be honest. Tell your son how disappointed you are with him, and that your reaching out to her and her parents to facilitate a relationship with the child, then contact them. Say what you have said here.

Spied · 09/11/2019 20:43

I presumed girl 16yo. Obviously I may be wrong?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2019 20:46

Are you sure your son is the father? Has a paternity test been done?

spice3 · 09/11/2019 20:54

Well I'm completely disagreeing with some of the comments saying her parents will be picking up slack and she's probably not ready and it's for THEM to decide who she's ready to speak to...

I was a mum at 16. It was a massive kick in the teeth when I'd worked for my own maternity allowance and paid to study from home and didn't ever have anyone babysit my child when ignorant people would insinuate that my mum must do 'soooo much'.

But anyway... that's just my rant. Treat her as a mum and not a child.

Reach out to her. Explain to her. But again - be prepared that it may not work.
If I put myself in her position and a grandparent simply hadn't bothered for 4 months and then tried coming back claiming they weren't aware of something their son had said, I'd have turned them out of my child's life instantly - kids don't need instability.

Unless you have tried to make an effort or something in 4 months? I can't quite understand why it'd take 4 months to find out your son had said that? Surely you'd been trying to find out the circumstances and how to see your grandchild in the first couple of weeks?

elmosducks · 10/11/2019 00:30

Contact them

And try to talk some sense into your son.

Sparklesocks · 10/11/2019 00:33

Your son needs to understand that he can’t make this go away, he’s young but this has happened and he needs to step up and face his responsibilities.
I would reach out to her but be prepared that she might not be receptive.

Original poster
Justrina · 10/11/2019 09:15

Son told me she said I can't see grandson but said he was. But then he told me that he lied and told her he didn't care about her etc.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/11/2019 09:21

Son just wants to pretend it's nothing to do with him, but it's too late for that.

Wherecanwegetoff123 · 10/11/2019 10:35
  1. Why has it taken you 4 months to enquire after your grandchild regardless to what your son had said/not said.
  2. You should offer some financial contribution as it is your son's child. And he can get a part time job to help too!
  3. Speak to her not her parents. She may only be 16 but she's the child's mother.
  4. Her parents may not be picking up the slack. Not all grandparents regardless of child's age are prepared to help!
  5. You have to accept what she says. Don't hound her if she rejects you. Leave the door open and tell her she can contact you whenever.
scarecrowfeet · 10/11/2019 10:38

Have you offered any sort of support to her over the past year ? A dna year will prove paternity. Your son has a lot of growing up to do.

scarecrowfeet · 10/11/2019 10:38

DNA test not year

palaceinthesky · 10/11/2019 10:47

Your son sounds like a complete loser. Why are you only getting involved now 4 months later? I can't imagine what this poor girl has been through for the last 4 months with no help or support from her baby's father. Establish paternity, set up a fair financial arrangement for your son to support his child and simply let the mother know that you are there for her should she ever want/need assistance with the child. Don't be surprised if she wants nothing to do with you (and try not to take that personally, it's just that your son has so horribly failed her).

SnorkMaiden81 · 10/11/2019 11:06

Your DS has behaved horribly, but he's behaved like a scared, immature 16yr old boy. (Because that's what he is).

I think this can be saved but only with honesty and openness.

FrankRattlesnake · 10/11/2019 11:13

I don’t think it is just about the last 4 months, but also about what happened during the pregnancy. Did you have any contact with her during those 9 months? Did you offer help and support? Did you make any contributions to the nursery, clothing, nappies and all the gubbins that babies need?

I think you also need a long frank chat with your son about responsibilities (and maybe contraception). I don’t envy your position But I wouldn’t be taking a 16 year olds word for anything right now... as judge Judy says, “teenagers are expert liars” you are the adult and need to behave as such.

Sorry if that’s harsh but there is a young (assumed) girl who has a baby herself and probably would like support.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/11/2019 11:16

the first thing you need to do is establish paternity.

Then, if your son is the father, contact her and start to build some bridges and a relationship.

SnorkMaiden81 · 10/11/2019 11:20

If you 'threaten' your son with the very real prospect of a paternity test do you think he might come forward with the truth? (If it is the truth) or continue with the 'isn't mine' line?

Original poster
Justrina · 10/11/2019 11:56

I'm only getting involved now as son said she didn't want me to be involved in grandsons life but recently he said he lied and he said he didn't care about her or grandson.

No I didn't speak to her during pregnancy as I only found out from my friend when shed given birth as son told her son. And when I spoke to son he said that she didn't want me involved.

OP posts:
scarecrowfeet · 10/11/2019 12:06

But did you know she was pregnant and your son could be the father ?

spice3 · 10/11/2019 12:10

I don't think your son telling you she doesn't want you involved is enough of a reason to not even slightly try with your grandchild for 4 months to be honest.
I definitely wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't want you involved now.

Bluntness100 · 10/11/2019 12:13

What are you doing op relying on your son like this?

Firstly reach out to her, either directly or via her parents.

And put your toe up your sons arse. What an awful way to behave.

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