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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

45 replies

BringDinkyandDorisHome1 · 09/11/2019 14:10

As you all know, it is Remembrance Sunday tomorrow and I will be going to the service with my two teenaged children as usual. My son who is 17, is hoping to join the RAF after A Levels, so this year the service will feel slightly different for me somehow.

I casually asked him if he would mind wearing his proper shoes instead of trainers for the service, as I thought this was more respectful now that he is older and with a career in the services in mind. This request was not well received, and he pointed out they wouldn't look good with jeans. I told him they would look fine and suggested maybe wearing a pair of trousers then instead. He then offered to tell me that his friend wears trainers for every occasion. Obviously I then had the "if your friend ran down the motorway blindfolded would you follow"?

Should I just be glad that he's even going, or do you think this small request is not much to ask considering all the men and women who gave their lives so that we can live in relative peace? I am guessing some might say it doesn't matter what he wears as long as he goes.

I've told him if he thinks looking smart is too much effort, then perhaps he should just lie in bed all weekend as he usually does.

I've had a pretty crap time lately with mental health and I'm not sure what is ok/not anymore.

Thanks Guys!

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 09/11/2019 14:13

Pick your battles. I'm not sure it's worth getting worked up about tbh

TimeforanotherChange · 09/11/2019 14:14

I'm a bit with you OP. Yes it's nice he's going..but as an almost adult with a Forces career in mind trousers and school shoes rather than jeans and trainers seems a reasonable request to be honest.

Shoxfordian · 09/11/2019 14:16

I don't think it matters, sorry op

Oldraver · 09/11/2019 14:18

I'd tell him to get used to wearing shiny shoes

If he's willing to go, I would leave him to it. If he joins the forces there will be plenty of time for looking smart

mbosnz · 09/11/2019 14:20

I think what matters most is that he is there. And also, pick your battles. Especially if you're running on empty.

Looneytune253 · 09/11/2019 14:20

Wow I'm a proper adult and would probably wear trainers for a remembrance march!! I would just dress normally. Unless I was actively on duty in some way

AuntieDolly · 09/11/2019 14:37

I don't think what he wears is important. The fact he is there is lovely.

Autumntoowet · 09/11/2019 14:41

YABU
Respect is not about the clothes you wear.
Or the way you look.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 09/11/2019 14:45

Complete overreaction OP.

No one will care or even notice what shoes he is wearing.

itputsthelotiononitsskin · 09/11/2019 14:45

I wouldn't worry about it.

If he joins the forces he'll have this sort of thing drilled into him, as uniform and being well turned out means a massive amount to them.

MintyMabel · 09/11/2019 14:59

Wearing shiny shoes is more respectful?

I don’t own shiny shoes, should I rush out and buy a pair for the service?

I have no idea why people have such strange ideas of what is “respectful” these days. You don’t show respect by what you wear, you show respect by how you act.

RandomMess · 09/11/2019 15:01

If it's orders I'd be encouraging whichever is warmest tbh!

Original poster

BringDinkyandDorisHome1 · 09/11/2019 15:27

Fair comments and have made me realise that I IABU. Perhaps it's just an old fashioned view of looking smart to church etc, especially given the occasion.

He's a great son, never caused me one moment of trouble in 17 years so I guess I need to appreciate that and be thankful.

Thanks all!

OP posts:

merryhouse · 09/11/2019 15:35

What does he normally wear to church?

(unreasonable, by the way, in heading your post the way you have. Give some indication of what it's about rather than simply repeating the category title)

Original poster

BringDinkyandDorisHome1 · 09/11/2019 16:01

Apologies merryhouse! Haven't used this forum for ages and forgotten how it works a little.

We are not regulars and previously he's worn trainers but thinking now he's older shoes are more appropriate, but I'm wrong I guess. Sometimes it's just hard to know, which is why I asked here and got some good advice. I am just about to show him and apologise!

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/11/2019 16:06

He'll be fine in his trainers. If he joins up he'll get very used to shiny shoes, and perhaps think this is an occasion to be a bit smarter.

BarbedBloom · 09/11/2019 16:09

I don't think it matters at all tbh.

DonKeyshot · 09/11/2019 16:14

No need to apologise to him.

Anyone remember Michael Foot and his donkey jacket at the Cenotaph?

Imo wearing smart clothes for a Remembrance Service shows respect for the fallen and, similarly, if I went to church on Sunday (which I don't) I would make an effort with my appearance.

It could be that the young can't be prised out of their jeans don't get it, but I have a feeling that in years to come they'll be the ones demanding that their dc dress appropriately for occasions such as this.

Hecateh · 09/11/2019 16:22

I don't think you were being unreasonable to ask

Neither was he being unreasonable to refuse

and if he agreed to it would be showing respect to you - as other than you preferring it it doesn't matter.

My son (who is in his 40s) shaves his head. I'm not keen but totally appreciate it is his choice. I put a request to him, when we are going to be somewhere important to me together, that he does it a week in advance as it is only the freshly shaved look that I really don't like.

When he was younger he was very 'My hair, my choice' which I accept. I don't ask him any more BUT for the past 10 years or so he has never shaved it directly before an event.

itputsthelotiononitsskin · 09/11/2019 16:26

*Fair comments and have made me realise that I IABU. Perhaps it's just an old fashioned view of looking smart to church etc, especially given the occasion.
*
I'd agree with you exactly OP.
10 or 15 years ago and I think the response would have been different.
Sometimes it helps just running it past others before we settle our minds.

Well done for being open minded and taking comments in the spirit they were meant.

BlueJava · 09/11/2019 16:29

He's going, I wouldn't worry about the shoes/trainers.

Fairylea · 09/11/2019 16:32

I’m amazed he’s going to be honest, few 17 year olds would.

Trainers matter not a jot.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/11/2019 16:45

He's 17. Tell him that smart clothes would be more respectful than leave the decision to him.

filka · 09/11/2019 16:47

I'm in the "prefer to be smart" camp but if he's really going to join the RAF I'd leave it for now but remind him of the conversation next year, when his boots are like mirrors, he's learned to iron his own shirts etc.

Original poster

BringDinkyandDorisHome1 · 09/11/2019 16:47

I think it's one if those 50/50 things and obviously we all have different opinions. However I do agree, having thought long and hard, that trainers or shoes really don't make a difference to how respectful you are to the fallen. We go every year, it's just something that I've taken them to since they were old enough to understand.

Being a

OP posts:

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