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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want another child?

34 replies

MidniteScribbler · 09/11/2019 10:51

I'm 42 years old. I have an amazing son that I had with an ID release donor. He is now 8 years old. I was always happy with having just one child, but I can't seem to stop thinking about having another child.

Please give me all of your thoughts.

Should I? Why should I? Why shouldn't I?

OP posts:

Underpressure123 · 09/11/2019 10:54

Can you afford it? Have you weighed up the risks of pregnancy at your age?
If you have and are happy with it- go ahead.

2020bump · 09/11/2019 10:57

I would have another child if that's what you want but bear in mind that having one child is great too!! Whether you go on to have a second or have one, keep an open minded perspective x Good luck with your choice

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 09/11/2019 10:58

You asked for 'all of your thoughts' so here goes -

Consider the environment and the footprint another child would create - is it really justified, in an over-populated world, as you already have one child?

churchandstate · 09/11/2019 11:00

Do you feel fit and well? Are you financially secure? If so, go for it!

user1493413286 · 09/11/2019 11:01

Could you afford it? Do you have the space? How did you find it by yourself before? They are all things to think about.

Perunatop · 09/11/2019 11:01

I think you should prioritise what is best for your existing child. For example, consider your age and health, and the effect of a big age gap.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/11/2019 11:09

It depends- what's your financial situation? Do you have a good support network? How would your DS feel about the addition of a sibling? Obviously your age also means you would be more likely to have a child with additional needs, is that something you're comfortable with?

Original poster

MidniteScribbler · 09/11/2019 11:14

Could you afford it? Do you have the space?

I live in a five bedroom house, so space is not an issue.

OP posts:

Original poster

MidniteScribbler · 09/11/2019 11:23

Consider the environment and the footprint another child would create - is it really justified, in an over-populated world, as you already have one child?

The environmental impact is something I have seriously considered, but when there are families out there having large amounts of children, I don't think that me having two children would be a big impact overall.

OP posts:

terriblyshaken · 09/11/2019 11:26

If money is not an issue I would definitely go for it.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 09/11/2019 11:30

How would your son feel? It's just been you and him for 8 years, it's a big adjustment for him. Would you use the same donor? Do you have support around for when you go into hospital and if you can't get out the house coz baby is ill or has been up all night?

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 09/11/2019 11:30

No, it wouldn't be a big impact in comparison to some families, but the lifetime footprint of an individual is still significant. To save the planet, we need to try to stop population growth, and everyone can play a part in that by considering whether extra children, when they already have one or more, are actually necessary.

moccaicecream · 09/11/2019 11:33

I would not.

you are quite and and a lone parent. there are all sorts of risks involved when it comes to geriatric mothers - not only a significantly increased chance of having a disabled child but also pregnancy and childbirth complications.

How would you cope of things didn't go smoothly and you had e.g. a child with complex needs or experience a pregnancy complication which has long term health implications for you?

you are healthy by the sound of it and have a healthy child. just be grateful for what you got.

Penguincity · 09/11/2019 11:40

I wouldn't, you have your existing child to consider, there would be a 9 year age gap, they would not want to do the same things. There are health implications to pregnancy especially as an older mother and your dc only has you.

riotlady · 09/11/2019 11:41

@ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens

The overall birth rate in the uk is trending down. Some people have 5 kids and some have none, what matters is that the average is decreasing. The planet is not going to be saved by badgering people on mumsnet to not have a wanted child.

orangeteal · 09/11/2019 11:42

I think you've left it a bit long tbh, it would be quite an adjustment for your son. For me the decision would come down to his personality and whether I thought a sibling would enrich his life or restrict it. 42 is too late for me also but that's a personal decision, you'd need to consider health risks to you and the child (and the impact then on your son).

coffeecow · 09/11/2019 11:44

I don't think the age gap is a problem OP. I would have the same age gap if I had a second child and I think my DS would absolutely love it. It also would give me peace of mind as I got older that he had a sibling to share any burdens an older parent brings. I say go for it if you are fit and well and have a support network for help when you are in hospital etc.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 09/11/2019 11:49

The planet is not going to be saved by badgering people on mumsnet to not have a wanted child.

I'm not 'badgering people on Mumsnet not to have a wanted child'.

The OP requested all of your thoughts and asked why shouldn't I? so I have offered an opinion. I'm not popping up on threads where people have already made their minds up, or if they're asking for opinions on specific reasons to have or not have another, such as finances or impact on existing child.

EntropyRising · 09/11/2019 11:50

Consider the environment and the footprint another child would create - is it really justified, in an over-populated world, as you already have one child?

Big families are a problem for this reason (among others) - it makes it hard to get more sensible people on board.

That being said, I completely understand your desire for a second. Do you have a partner? How'd you cope with number 1, presumably alone? You will inevitably find it much harder at 42 than 34.

VisionQuest · 09/11/2019 11:59

I wouldn't. The risks would be too high for me, complications, potential disability, tiredness, impact on your family, finances and being responsible for the upbringing of another child until I'm 60. No thanks.

just embrace what you already have.

Tellmetruth4 · 09/11/2019 12:16

I felt the same way but decided to adopt a second child as I was in early 40s and didn’t want to go through pregnancy and birth (with associated risks) but wanted a sibling for DC1. The age gap is 6.5 years as DC2 was a toddler when we adopted them.

DC1 was ok with being an only (as they have loads of mates living very close by) but was also very happy to have a sibling and we had space and money so it made sense. Process took about 18 months.

Fluffyhairforever · 09/11/2019 12:45

Yes that’s lovely. If you can afford it and have the space then yes go for it.

firstimemamma · 09/11/2019 12:48

The chances at your age are very slim, no matter how badly you want it. Sorry op.

Dinosauraddict · 09/11/2019 20:21

I've said this before on another post but my previously very healthy single mother was diagnosed with dementia at 50. She had to give up work, give up driving etc. If she had an 8 year old child at that point, she wouldn't have been able to care for them. I would never advise someone to purposefully plan a pregnancy as a lone parent in their 40s. You could be setting that child up for a very miserable life. Sorry for the reality check, I know it's not what anyone wants to hear - but enjoy the child you've got.

Tellmetruth4 · 09/11/2019 21:00

Getting dementia at 50, although very sad, is very uncommon so I wouldn’t use that as a reason to not have a baby in my early 40s. I’ve known people in their 30s die of cancer leaving behind small children but I wouldn’t tell someone not to have children in their 30s because two women I know died in their 30s.

It would be the unlikely chance of carrying a healthy baby to term, the greater risks of pregnancy, birth and higher risk of an unhealthy child that would concern me more.

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