Be honest: are you unpleasant at work? Why?!

[sevencontinents]

I have a colleague who is very unpleasant to me much of the time. She doesn't say good morning, confronts me about perceived mistakes (only to find that no mistake has been made and the mistake is an assumption she has jumped to), never apologises for this and makes sly remarks. I am not the sensitive sort and I actually find it quite funny that she behaves this way towards me.

So my question is, is there anyone here who can admit to behaving like this towards a colleague? Why do you do it? I am trying to understand her!

Some people probably think so.

But I get fed up of having treat people like toddlers because they're incapable of doing a basic task without either losing focus and doing something else, or messing it up entirely

@elbowedout if you have made people at your work place cry, you definitely aren’t nice.

I have to do some unpleasant things in my job and they often affect difficult staff. There are some very unpleasant people in the workplace, usually due to:

Unhappiness and perceived infractions of the equality act due to one or mure pritected characteristics.

General incompetence

Underlying mh issues and social awkwardness.

Because they resent anyone prettier, cleverer, better off or with potential and will work with others to undermine them. This is bullying.

Because they are just horrible people.

But on the whole most people are pretty decent.

I've experienced this a couple of times: once I found out years later that it was because she wanted her friend to get the job. How she thought being a complete bitch to me made up for it I don't know. Especially as I was an external candidate, so was oblivious about it.

Another time, again someone was foul to me from day one, it was because the bosses had said I got the job because I looked very attractive at the interview (again I didn't find this out for ages and wouldn't have taken the job if I'd known). She was somehow jealous! It was a terrible, sexist organisation and I hated the way the bosses letched at me, so she was welcome to them. But rather than empathising, she was foul to me too.

I work on a very busy ward and vulnerable people are depending on me, so occasionally I will get a bit snappy when co-workers aren’t pulling their weight and need a bit of direction.

Gosh mermaid a rare glimmer there that not all nurses are overworked saints.

I am civil and polite to everybody (most of the time- we all have off days!). If I like them or not is not relevant. We still have to work together 36 hours a week, so why make it frosty?

I find myself being extra nice to one woman in my office because I can’t bear her. Everyone else seems to like her soit’s probably my fault but she makes my skin crawl. I do feel guilty about it. I show her photos of my cat, she likes cats!

I am not deliberately nasty ( well not often anyway) but I have been told that I am "scary" and that I have made people cry at work

Be careful they don't raise a grievance against you. I would feel very guilty if I had made someone cry because of the way I spoke to them.

It can be misconstrued that I’m being grumpy when I’m actually concentrating - I apparently look very similar in both instances! 😂

I am in a fairly toxic workplace, and try and maintain a pleasant neutral persona.

Examples... one of the middle managers is arranging the christmas party and the receptionist asked her cheerfully; 'Oh, who is coming so far?' and the manager turned around and sneered 'It is really NONE of your business'.

Different manager came into the office yesterday and said to the recpeitonist' Can you try not to talk? I mean, THAT voice [gesturing at her'] is doing my head in'. (Receptionist was on the phone to an office supplier, so talking was neccessary).

There are worse examples, but this was yesterday.

I do not udnerstand why people are like this.

I do not udnerstand why people feel like m

I worry that I come across as rude and stuck up when in reality I’m just painfully shy. Luckily I know my direct team well enough for chit chat, and the rest of my dealings with colleagues are usually via email so I can have a good think about what I want to say.

I'm super nice and kind at work, HCP, but like someone said upthread it's mostly an act. By the time I get home I'm grumpy and fractious.
Work is so much easier if folk are patient with each other.

My experience has always been that 10% of your colleagues take up 90% of your patience.

If she is the only one, if the rest of your colleagues are fine, then I'm afraid that's just how life is.

Continue to stand your ground over perceived mistakes but be professional, be a team player, and don't let your guard slip. She is unlikely to change but her negativity towards you will become more apparent to everyone else as you continue to forge a good reputation.

Something I saw on another thread: if you encounter one difficult person in your day, you've met a difficult person. If you encounter difficult people all day long then you're the difficult one.

She's the difficult one.

Well, this is timely. I had a receptionist quit yesterday because I "talked to her like shit".

I fully admit that I sounded exasperated. It was because she'd once again overpromised to a client despite my specifically asking her not to. Literally I told her, "When you do this it means I have to stay late."

So I don't know, I suppose that was "unpleasant" of me but what else can you do when you ask once in a reasonable tone and it's ignored?

My boss is the nicest woman in her social life but comes across as incredibly patronising at work. She regularly makes people cry after supervisions. I don't know, I want my team to feel supported, not chastised! I'm wondering how I might bring it up.

I used to work with someone who would inform senior management of any minor infractions/infringement of the rules. You’d be called in for a discussion and never know it was coming because you hadn’t really done anything wrong.

Consequently everyone was unpleasant to her.

I am very nice and chatty at work, but it's all an act and I find it exhausting. I love retreating back to my office for peace.

No never. Seriously never. And nobody has ever even slightly tried to walk all over me. I can’t think of any time someone treated me badly either.

No, I'm generally on my best behaviour, I put on a super polite and professional front. In previous jobs that has proved to be something of a physical strain at times.

@bsc I'm absolutely lovely at work, so helpful and kind to my colleagues

You sound like one of my colleagues - who I don't trust, because having worked in companies where people have been total gits - and I'm wondering if there's a hidden agenda or if you bitch about me behind my back!

I was always nice to everyone. Apart from one person who used to pick & choose what work she wanted to do. She’d check the caller ID and decide which clients she felt like speaking to. Or she’d spent hours opening the post instead of getting the mountain of filing done (which had only become so ridiculous because she didn’t like doing it and didn’t bother). We’ve all got elements of our job we enjoy less than others but you’ve just got to bloody do it! So I started calling her out on it In front of everyone whenever I saw it happening. Complete bitch I know! Outside of work she’s lovely and we still meet up but I never want to work with her ever again. She’s incompetent.

When I say lovely, I mean lovely- I never bitch or gossip at work. (Well, I don't outside of work either tbh)
I've been there seven years, and my boss was honestly shocked the one time I swore. So much so that she actually said to other members of SLT "bsc swore about X" so they knew how bad X was for us as a business! .
I have one of those faces people trust, I'm middle aged, middle class, essentially Mrs anonymous, v capable at my job, supportive of others. I like what I do, and it's very fulfilling personally, but I'm an introvert and the interaction with others is so tiring that when I get home I'm crabby with my family and want to cocoon myself away which I can't as they're small and lively and need feeding and cleaning and attention (understandably!).

Happy spud, how do you do it?

I mean, if you were in a position where you were meant to be in charge of something vital, like literally you'd be sued if it didn't get done, and then someone sabotaged it by ignoring your very simple and direct instructions?

I mean, I hate to snap at people but literally if saying it once in a "lovely" way is ignored, what do you do?

I know there are all the management tools of PIP etc. but right in that moment when you've got something due at 5:00 and you've said, "Please do X" and they start litigating with you?

@Waytooearly it’s not ‘unpleasant’ to take a team member aside and privately discuss a mistake they made or something lacking in their work. It’s fair and necessary. Anyone who’s worked for me knows I treat people like myself and I cover for them when they deserve it and would politely tell them what the situation is when they don’t deserve it and escalate it appropriately. I’ve never had someone let me down yet (as in mess up due to pure indifference and negligence). I have had people mess up because they are exhausted or struggling with something either professionally or privately. That’s when I help them and there’s no need to make them feel like shit. We’re all there to earn money and have a good life ultimately so I treat work like it’s my life (spend enough time there!) and enjoy where possible, knuckle down where necessary and have a bit of kindness to the people around me when things aren’t going well for them.

I work in the NHS and I'm polite and professional to everyone at all times. My attitude is do your job well, help everyone, no question too stupid.
However I don't respond to facebook requests, join in on nights out or get too friendly.
I don't want anyone to know anything about me. I have a life totally separate from work. I've learnt from hard experience that if you live any kind of alternative lifestyle nobody will respect you and people will ask inaproriate questions and meddle.
As far as my work colleagues are concerned I'm just a boring middle aged woman. If only they knew!!