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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepfather refuses to stay in our small rented house

40 replies

motueka03 · 08/11/2019 17:36

My stepfather refuses to stay in our house because it’s small & rented! It’s meant that I haven’t spent Xmas with my mum for a decade- he’ll only stay with his own golden children who own big houses. My mother won’t stand up to him and as a result my kids have never spent Xmas with their granny. Aibu to be pissed off about it - he’s really rude about us too and makes it clear he thinks we are scum (I work in a highly paid professional career & we are just normal people who just have never been able to afford to buy)
I am really sick of it and on the verge of telling them to fuck off forever - aibu?

OP posts:
purplelila2 · 08/11/2019 17:38

Why do they have to stay over to spend xmas ?

Original poster
motueka03 · 08/11/2019 17:39

Because they live over 300 miles away

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 08/11/2019 17:39

Your mum should be inviting you to them, then. Or coming on her own.

Hahaha88 · 08/11/2019 17:40

I don't get why it being rented matters. But if it's small I can understand why he might but feel comfortable. But there's always b n bs or hotels. Equally though why can't you go to them? Why do they need to come to you?

bridgetreilly · 08/11/2019 17:41

He doesn't have to come. Or he could invite you to theirs. But honestly, he is just being rude and entitled, so I vote you never see him again. Your mother is, of course, always welcome.

purplelila2 · 08/11/2019 17:42

Why dont you go and stay with them instead?

Original poster
motueka03 · 08/11/2019 17:43

They have made it clear that they will no longer do Xmas at theirs - it just feels like excuses to be honest

OP posts:
Elderflower14 · 08/11/2019 17:44

Tell him to f.. k off to a hotel then!

Crunched · 08/11/2019 17:46

Don’t just blame your Stepfather, your DM could put her foot down and stay with you. Alternatively they could stay in a nearby hotel and be looked after.

Original poster
motueka03 · 08/11/2019 17:46

All he ever talks about is how big his kids houses are- it just makes us feel shit but it affects my relationship with my mum

OP posts:
OrangeHue · 08/11/2019 17:49

So this post is really about your mum then? Have you addressed it with her?

stucknoue · 08/11/2019 17:49

Why don't they stay at a local hotel? Sounds more likely the dynamics of their relationship then anything to do with you

Original poster
motueka03 · 08/11/2019 17:51

It probably is more about their relationship dynamics but I am really sick of it. I think he’s an arse to be honest

OP posts:
Applesanbananas · 08/11/2019 17:52

Why are you angry at him, does your mother not have a brain and a mouth of her own? You do understand that she is choosing not to come. He gets to spend xmas with his own children, why isnt your mother doing the same with hers?

Clangus00 · 08/11/2019 18:00

Why can’t they stay in a B&B/ Hotel when they visit?

Clangus00 · 08/11/2019 18:01

Oh and it’s not your step father to blame, it’s your mum!

Frenchw1fe · 08/11/2019 18:16

Your mum is letting you down and that must be hard to accept.
You need to have a talk with her.

Greenwingmemories · 08/11/2019 18:17

I'm afraid I agree with PPs. I wouldn't stand for never being able to stay with my children ever, and take turns for special holidays.

sarahjconnor · 08/11/2019 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/11/2019 18:19

He's an arse but she is your Mother and should stand up for you.

OneTwoThreeDoeRayMe · 08/11/2019 18:22

Sorry OP - you have a 'mother' problem, not a step-father problem.

He's an arse - clearly - but the issue actually is that your mum can't, or won't, stand up to him, and that's what's upsetting you.

DeathStare · 08/11/2019 19:12

How small is "small"? If you are talking about a tiny little one or two bed where he would need to sleep on the sofa in the main living room (ie one he would be expected to vacate when people wake up, and not use until people go to bed) then I kind of get his point. Doesn't stop him staying in an AirB&B though.

The "rented thing is just him being an arse.

Unless there is something more sinister to their relationship though the problem is really your mother. He can be as awkward as he likes but she could still say "You go to your child's then, and I'll go to mine. See you for New Year". She's choosing that being with him, and him being happy is more important than being with you and you being happy.

noodlenosefraggle · 08/11/2019 19:20

I think it's your mum that needs the ultimatum. She clearly doesn't care enough to want to spend Christmas with her own grandchildren. Shed rather spend it in a big house with someone else's children. He doesn't owe you anything. Hes a bloke who your mum married, presumably when you were an adult and had left home. She does.

TheMouldNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 08/11/2019 19:30

It's very sad that your mother is choosing keeping the peace with him over maintaining a good relationship with you. Or maybe she shares his values to a degree. What a shame that she isn't interested in your values and opinions.

If you haven't already, I'd talk to her properly and explain how much you'd love to see her for Christmas, that you are disappointed that she hasn't been and send her an email with suggestions eg she comes alone, nearby hotel if appropriate. If she rejects you after that, at least you know where you stand.

AnotherEmma · 08/11/2019 19:34

Well, we often say "you have a DH problem (not a MIL problem)". In this case, you have a DM problem (not a stepfather problem).

Does she ever visit you by herself? Not at Christmas but in general?

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