Stepfather refuses to stay in our small rented house

[motueka03]

My stepfather refuses to stay in our house because it’s small & rented! It’s meant that I haven’t spent Xmas with my mum for a decade- he’ll only stay with his own golden children who own big houses. My mother won’t stand up to him and as a result my kids have never spent Xmas with their granny. Aibu to be pissed off about it - he’s really rude about us too and makes it clear he thinks we are scum (I work in a highly paid professional career & we are just normal people who just have never been able to afford to buy)
I am really sick of it and on the verge of telling them to fuck off forever - aibu?

Nothing to do with houses and renting.

Everything to do with him being BossTwat Man and wanting to be with HIS family for Xmas not his wife's, because his are more important.

Your conversation is with your mum.

'Mum, I would like you to come and stay for Xmas. I realise TwatNose wants to be with his children, which is fine, but I would like my children to have the chance to be with their granny at Christmas too, which they never have. We would like it if you could come and spend Christmas with us this year.'

the issue is your Mother OP.

I think it's your mum that needs the ultimatum. She clearly doesn't care enough to want to spend Christmas with her own grandchildren

Why leap to this conclusion? It's one explanation, but it equally could be the case that her husband who is a controlling arsehole whom she doesn't dare to disobey.

i'm going to stick my head on the block, do you speak much with dm on the phone /text etc, how is she without him in the loop ?
he dsf a twat with her as well ?
seems easy to blame her but i'm wondering if he's controlling around her.

Its your mums fault and dont accept bollox like he may be controlling her

If things are cramped at your home with guests, they could easily stay at a hotel. We do this regularly when we visit relatives, regardless of the size of their home. It’s just nice to have our own space and not have to coordinate showers with as many people.

He doesn’t sound very bright. Is he afraid he’s going to catch “poor”?

at the risk of derailing, isad have you ever been in a controlling relationship ? plenty of us have and it can be very subtle to outsiders. my ex could charm anyone you would never know you were being worked over until it was too late.

Look, its obvious it's more that he'd rather spend christmas with his bio children than step children. If it wasnt your house, it would be something else.

However, as others have said, the problem is your mum never says "no, we spent the last x christmases with your family, I'd like to see mine this year." Why she doesn't do that is the bigger issue. Is it that she doesn't want to, or feels she cant?

Dont blame your step-dad. Speak to her. Does she not want to see you, or is it she feels she cant stand up to him?

what's your take on it op ?

If OP's mother can't or won't stand up to the stepfather, there's nothing more that can be done. And that's regardless of whether or not the relationship is 'good' or abusive/controlling. OP will just have to find peace with the situation 'as is'.

OP do you think your mother is in an abusive relationship or does she just 'give in' for the sake of a 'lifestyle' or fear of being alone?

If the former, tell her that you will be there for her if she wants to leave. If the latter, there's really nothing you can say to her without causing irreparable damage to your relationship. Either way, end the conversation with "so the ball's in your court, Mum, I'm done always being the one to make the moves/sacrifices to keep us in your life. From now on, it's up to you".

Does your DM ever to come to stay without him (not at Christmas)?

My mum is the same. She won't come to mine because I rent, it upset me more when she would visit my sister 6 miles away but not me because mine was a Housing Association house. The best bit? Both my mother and sister live in ex-council houses.

No words of wisdom OP, but I know how much it stings.

Have you got enough room for them? I mean their own room with at least a proper double bed?

Older people,often don't sleep well anyway (I'm a GP and I certainly don't) so small doubles or a sofa bed in the sitting room may very likely put them off.

If there's a Premier Inn or similar nearby, that might be a good compromise. It's what my sister and BiL do when visiting younger Gdcs - peace and quiet in the morning!

Are you sure his reason is because it’s rented? I do understand the small bit though. I won’t stay at my MIL’s house, as it is very tiny and there’s only 1 toilet. It used to make me feel uncomfortable when we stayed over when it was just me and DH, but now it’s us and our 2 DC too, it’s fine for lunch, but not to stay any longer. We’re a couple of hours away, so now she either comes to stay with us or we stay with my family (who are a 30-minute drive away) and pop over to hers in the day or we’ve recently rented an Airbnb closer to her house. I wouldn’t stay there nowadays. It’s not about being snobby, as it’s a lovely and very clean house. I just don’t want to squash in and feel claustrophobic. I wouldn’t sleep on the floor or in a tiny bed either.

Can you maybe suggest they rent an Airbnb near you so that you can spend some daytimes together? Or maybe you all rent a bigger house for the holiday?