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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell boyfriend's mum we're back together?

32 replies

ALittleBitWorried1983 · 08/11/2019 14:24

I've been back with the father of my child for around two-three weeks after a month apart. His mum is pretty overbearing and doesn't particularly like me - when my boyfriend broke up with me he had told her lots of negative things about me. However, since announcing my pregnancy, she has been overly nice to me, offering to buy me things, asking how I am, being SO thankful for any photos etc, just too nice.

But I know she would be furious if she found out we were back together.

My parents are aware (we're 24 and 27) but he just won't tell his mum. He lies about where he's going, if he barely stays over because he doesn't want her to ask questions, and when he did once say he was coming to see me, she got a bit angry and asked whether we were getting back together, to which he said no.

It's getting awkward for me because his mum keeps asking me to meet up with her for coffee to chat about how she and her family can help me with the baby, and saying things like how my son is going to have two families who love him, and all this stuff acting as if we're seperated.

I can't carry on these conversations or meet up with her and it's making me feel so uncomfortable that she's talking to me as if me and the baby's dad are still seperated.

I know, it sounds like an episode of Eastenders and I really wish it didn't. I'm a very straight up honest person and luckily have very supportive parents, and I just hate all this running around like teenagers and lying when I am four months pregnant and wanting to focus on settling down with my family.

Would it be unreasonable to just tell her myself so that we can all get on with our lives? Or shall I keep waiting for him to eventually do it? I don't want to break any trust.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 08/11/2019 14:26

Dear OP, I think I remember you posting about your boyfriend and his mum before. Why in the name of God are you back with him? If you were my DD I would encourage you to move on from him.

Honestly, if he cannot tell his DM that he is back together with the mother of his child, he is not the man for you, and nor will he ever be.

Loopytiles · 08/11/2019 14:28

Your BF is the problem here! Sounds like it was a mistake to get back together with him.

Original poster
ALittleBitWorried1983 · 08/11/2019 14:28

Yeah that's me! I knew I'd get some comments on this, can totally appreciate what you're saying, got back together on the basis things will change, we'll be a family, etc - and so far the relationship itself has in fact seen changes. But of course this whole thing is just telling otherwise. @Annasgirl

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/11/2019 14:29

Given your ages, break ups, his behaviour etc it’s almost certain you’ll be a single parent, so plan accordingly.

Breathlessness · 08/11/2019 14:29

I’d have a long think about whether you want to be together with a man of 27 who won’t tell his mother he’s seeing you.

Loopytiles · 08/11/2019 14:30

“Being a family” seems v unlikely if he outright lies to people like his mother about resuming your relationship!

OnlineShopping · 08/11/2019 14:30

I wouldn’t be with him either but yes YWBU to tell her. Either he tells her by the end of the week or else it’s over.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/11/2019 14:31

He's 27 and still lives at home with his mum.

He's 27 and doesn't have the balls to live his life and tell his mother to stay out of it.

Two excellent reasons why you'll never have a decent future with him. Dump and run.

Original poster
ALittleBitWorried1983 · 08/11/2019 14:31

This is the thing - I am a very independent person, I am the one with the decent job, good money etc so raising a baby alone wouldn't be an issue because I have a SUPER supportive family also and am moving into a lovely house on my own soon. The idea was for us to work things out as a family, but right now it's just excuses not to tell her because he doesn't want the 'drama' and me tip-toeing around and having to listen to his mother patronise me.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/11/2019 14:33

Who would be paying for your new property? What are your plans for childcare, especially if it doesn’t work out with your BF?

Original poster
ALittleBitWorried1983 · 08/11/2019 14:35

I am paying for my property. I am on a very good income. And I work from home, and my family will be helping with childcare! @loopytiles

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 08/11/2019 14:35

Families come in all shapes and sizes. I think too many women (not judging I was one) tolerate far too much shit on the premise of being 'a family' my life and consequently my childrens improved tenfold when I went solo. They still see their dad, grandparents and live with a serene mother (well almost Wink). Thats what our family looks like.

Loopytiles · 08/11/2019 14:37

Great, so move in alone, continue to work full time, pay for some childcare and get help from your family for the rest.

You can’t date someone who says he’s not dating you. If he moves in you’ll just be subsidising him.

user1480880826 · 08/11/2019 14:42

Relationships don’t suddenly fix themselves because there’s a baby involved. In fact, they get much, much harder. Your “boyfriend” (he’s a grown man) said horrible things to you about his mum when you broke up, won’t tell his mum you’re back together, seems to have a bizarre relationship with his mum given that he lies about where he’s going when he sees you (does he still live at home?!) and has generally treated you very badly.

You are clearly choosing to blame the MIL for the situation that you find yourself in despite it being your partner who is entirely at fault.

This man is not fit to be the father of your child. Are you sure having this baby is a good idea?

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 08/11/2019 14:47

I am not blaming the MIL at all, clearly stated that I didn’t want to lie to her. I have asked for opinions on whether I would be unreasonable to tell her myself, not to have people question whether I should have my son or not, which is an awful thing to ask anyone.

AlwaysCheddar · 08/11/2019 14:56

I wouldn’t tell her as I don’t think you should be with him. Sorry but you’re delusional if you think he will change.

fruitbrewhaha · 08/11/2019 15:02

Your BF's mother sounds a bit thick really. An intelligent person, when, on the receiving end of the nitty gritty of a relationship breakdown, would have some level of understanding that it takes two to tango, and that her son was not entirely blameless and that also she is only hearing one side of the story. That she, on hearing his side of the story, would now be furious that you are back together even though your pregnant, just makes her sound like a massive twat.

Just tell your BF that you are no longer keeping this a secret. Either he tells her or she will find out anyway.

It doesn't bode well for you in the future.

TowelNumber42 · 08/11/2019 15:02

Yes you would be unreasonable to tell her yourself.

If your boyfriend is not telling her then that shows he does not believe you two are really back together for the long term. He's just playing with you for some reason.

If I were you, I'd say to myself we are not back together yet, but we are trying to see whether we can make it work. These are the things that tell me whether it is going to work or not.

I think that's where you actually are, and tbh, it's not looking like a good long term bet so far, is it?

I think you could go out with his mum and mention that he wants to get back together for good but you aren't sure.

Witchinaditch · 08/11/2019 15:10

You’ve a good job and supportive family, don’t let this looser who won’t stand up to his mummy drag you down! Don’t go back OP! Put you and your baby first.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/11/2019 15:13

He sounds like a pathetic drip, sorry.

Total Mummy's boy. He'll be useless when baby arrives; good job you're independent with good support.

Leave him to Mummy. He won't change.

carly2803 · 08/11/2019 15:17

your boyfriend willmove in with you asap to get away from his mother when it goes shits up

he soundslike a cocklodger OP

he might be your babys dad but trust me from experience, single life is better rather than putting up with that crap - even with kids!

TheMustressMhor · 08/11/2019 15:21

@Idontknowwhattodo2

Are you the OP?

I think you've had a lot of chaos in the first weeks of your pregnancy already.

I know you want to keep your baby and that your BF hasn't been very supportive so far. You've split up once at least and he wanted you to have an abortion.

Are you quite sure that he is going to be a reliable and trustworthy father? If he won't tell his mother you're back together it doesn't sound very hopeful.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation Flowers

Original poster
ALittleBitWorried1983 · 08/11/2019 15:39

The funny thing is it's me who's making changes from how it was in our relationship, which he said is the reason he was breaking up with me, and so I've been making really positive changes like being less clingy. And I have no idea how his mum really doesn't know - but she said a lot of nasty things about me after the breakup and she is being super nice to me now and it's all a little bit off.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 08/11/2019 15:48

How do you know that she said a lot of nasty things about you after the break-up? Did he tell you?

TheMustressMhor · 08/11/2019 15:49

And is he planning to move in with you? Does he work?