To ask what depression looks like to you?

[TiredSloth]

I’m sorry this isn’t really an aibu.

After realising recently that depression has been a huge part of my life since I was a child I was hoping to ask what it looks like to you on a day to day basis if you suffer from it. Up until now I’ve always just thought that all this was semi normal and that I’m just fat, ugly and lazy and at some point I might snap out of it.

So, on a day to day basis to me it feels like I am clinging on to the edge of being able to function on a basic level of normality whilst desperately wanting to let go and fall into the abyss. That getting up out of bed in the morning is only something I do because if I didn’t the dc wouldn’t get to school and people would start asking questions. I avoid attention at all costs. My dc are fed, clothed, clean and loved which takes every ounce of my energy. Anything ‘extra’ like appointments, taking care of myself, exercising, tidying etc is just too much and I spend my days confined to my sofa between school runs. I have no idea how to change and I continuously convince myself that I will pull myself together very soon and start living life; but I don’t think I even know how to do that anymore.

I’m really sorry about the rambling but I just needed to get that out somewhere even if no one reads it. I understand it’s very self indulgent.

Also just one more question- if you are a sahm what do you do during the day? Do you schedule your day to different time slots? Sorry for all the questions.

To me it is like being in a tank of water. Some days the tank is nearly empty, the water only up to my ankles - on these days i can cope. Other days the water is higher, I can keep my head above it but not do anything else. On the worst days the water is over my head. I cannot breathe properly or function.

You are not being self indulgent. Accepting that you have depression is a big step. Please see your GP. Be kind to yourself

I'm a SAHM and although I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed, I definitely have bad days/weeks where I feel very very low.

On those days I feel no motivation to do anything other than the bare minimum of feeding my kids and sending the older one to school. I have very low appetite when I feel this way and I eat mainly toast as it requires very little effort or thought.

If you look at the screen time/digital wellbeing app on my phone you would see that I spend about 7 hours of my day on my phone on those days It's just wasted away scrolling on Facebook, commenting on strangers' threads on pointless groups I'm on, and reading news articles on BBC and Guardian.

It's worse at this time of year as I'm not really an outdoorsy person at the best of times and definitely don't like going out when it's cold and wet. Before I moved away, I used to take my toddler to a woodland toddler group once a week which ran in all weathers. I found this really good as I actually enjoyed being outdoors when I was forced to wrap us up warm and go out, it's just I have no motivation to do it when I don't have some kind of commitment to do it.

Thank you both so much for answering. The water tank is an amazing way to describe how it feels although every day feels like I’m drowning.

PurpleTreeFrog I spend hours on my phone distracting myself from my thoughts. It’s like my brain tortures itself by worrying about millions of things but at the same time screaming ‘ITS ALL POINTLESS! EVERYTHING IS FUCKING MEANINGLESS’

And I’m so tired of pretending I’m ok. I’m so worried about people thinking that I’m being selfish but if I carry on much longer I feel like I will die.

Firstly, you're not alone with feeling like this, and thanks for your candid honesty. Secondly, try and drop all worries about what other people think. This is your life, you can live it any way you want, this isn't a competition.
Then, it seems like you are very aware of what you are using the screen time for, I agree, it is torture being stuck between those thoughts and in a way it makes sense that we distract with stuff like screens and other things. You definitely need to give yourself a break, because anyone who has felt like you knows how difficult it is to function and the fact that you are carrying on for your kids, is, in my opinion, something you need to really hold on to.
Are you actively suicidal? Have you spoken to your GP or anyone else about how you feel? Have you ever had any counselling?

Thank you woollycardi for answering. I went to the gp once and was given sertraline but it didn’t do anything at all so after a few months I just stopped taking them. I have a very low budget but I did try counselling once. It took everything I had to go to the session and when I was talking about how I have a child who is life limited the counsellor looked at me and said oh that must be awful! Pity was definitely not what I wanted so I only went one time.

I’m not suicidal because although living feels pointless at the moment, I could never leave my dc. My dp can be quite short tempered with them and I would never leave them to grow up in that environment.

Can I just ask, what do people do with their days when they don’t work?

This video is great for helping people understand depression.

I hope you feel better soon and see the light at the end of a tunnel.

It feels like walking into a howling gale for me.

Oh, I love that video @JanetandJohn500 - thank you for posting it.

Someone on MN wrote this years ago, and it really resonated with me at the time:

It isn't just 'feeling low' or having a temporary sense of worry about your life, it's a mind-numbing unshiftable mental and emotional exhaustion that seems to put out all the lights including the one at the end of the tunnel.

I'm afraid I'm not sure who wrote it though! Good luck OP, please try to help yourself and to let others help you too.

It feels like a kind of brain damage for me - I just can't seem to function. When it's really bad, I can't talk. There are times when I've been desperately thirsty but unable to reach out to pick up the glass of water by my bed.
When it's averagely bad, I find it really difficult to look after myself (hair brushing, washing, cleaning teeth, getting dressed etc.).

Go back to the doctor, OP - it's a miserable way to live. I had to try a few different antidepressants before I found one that helped - same with counselling.

Other things that really helped once the pills had got me over the worst hump, were: making sure I got outside every day (daylight is very, very important) and writing a list of aims every morning (very basic stuff like clean teeth, go for a walk, read x pages of a book).

Much later, when I was much better, I found that swimming was incredible for me. Outdoor swimming in particular!

Little steps, OP, little steps. You won't feel better overnight, but you can get there.

Good luck

It’s numb.
Empty
Black
Lonely
Totally totally alone and lonely, despite all the people.
I feel genuinely like I don’t matter like I am inconsequential, if I wasn’t here absolutely no one would even know I’d been here.
It feels like I’m wearing a huge heavy head to toe black coat that I can’t take off, it doesn’t let light or joy or smiles in or out.

I want to take it off.

It’s my life.

OP. I am finally out of my PND hell hole. I can't remember what it was like now and I don't want to think about it.

I did want to give you a hand hold and encourage you to speak to your GP. The absolute best thing I ever did was speak to my HV and start setraline. I'm now absolutely loving my life and leap out of bed in the morning cause I'm excited about the day.

Take care of yourself. Things can and will get better x

I spend hours on my phone distracting myself from my thoughts.
I agree with a pp I am always more depressed on the days I use my phone more.

When I was in the pit of my depression,
nothing mattered, but at the same time everything mattered. I worried about everything but cares about nothing. I was so low and confused I stayed in bed, unable to cope with even going to the toilet. I couldn’t look after my children. I didn’t want to, but felt bad because I was a crap Mum.

Luckily I’m on good meds now, but I dread going back to that. On days where I’m low I get panic stricken that it’s all coming back. But when I’m low I need to take time out. I have to go to bed for a few hours.

However my anxiety and worry is still high, not the physical side but in my head it’s like a monkey chattering away and it won’t stop.

It isn't just 'feeling low' or having a temporary sense of worry about your life, it's a mind-numbing unshiftable mental and emotional exhaustion that seems to put out all the lights including the one at the end of the tunnel.

This is exactly it. I’ve always thought I’ll snap out of it soon but I never do and that bit of hope I always had has gone now and has just been replaced by darkness.

Thank you SignOnTheWindow you’ve given me some hope that recovery might be possible?

Thank you very much for every reply. I haven’t written this post for sympathy at all, I genuinely want to know what people do with their days. I can’t imagine anything beyond eating and lying on my sofa and doing the school run.

Are you on any medication OP? Xx

Wow you guys are much more eloquent than I am. I really struggle to describe how I feel and the jumble in my head but you all have it exactly right.

Not at the moment notsohippychick. I tried sertraline but it didn’t do anything so I stopped taking it.

I do think you should go back to doctors. There is a better life at the end of all this. I promise you. Try another medication and give it time to work. At least six weeks to fully work. Slowly and surely the black cloud will disappear and the sun will come out!!

The. You will be able to do more things, then you feel better, and the cycle goes on.

How long were you on sertralin?

I can feel mine coming
It's a slippery slope of me feeling more irritable, more needy, more paranoid
It terrifies me because I can't stop it

I'm well medicated now on max dose of sertraline after last episode but I don't know what I'll do when it comes again

I have a great friend who is often able to help me see a way out and also a counsellor who is nuts but amazing

I often self medicate with sleeping meds and alcohol

A few months notsohippychick and it didn’t do anything. The problem is that when I go to the doctor I suddenly feel stupid for being there like I’m wasting her time so I massively downplay everything.

I often self medicate with sleeping meds and alcohol

I (shamefully) sometimes take Solpadeine max strength because it gives me a short lived feeling of contentment and wellbeing. It only lasts an hour or so but it just gives me a mental break.

I'm like you OP in that I can't verbalise it so I don't talk about it. When I went to the GP he said I sounded a bit anxious. I didn't really know what to say to him to give the full picture. He gave me a number to call for talking therapy but it took my all to ring for that appointment and i was in tears when I did. I haven't called the number yet and probably won't.

All I know is that it's impacted a lot of aspects of my life. I procrastinate massively resulting in me not giving my all to my job and I'm deep in debt because I can't call the companies to sort it out. I know I need to and i can but I'm paralysed. It's too big. My friendships have taken a hit too because I can't tell them why I don't contact them to arrange to meet. When I do reach out to them and don't get anything back I can't do it again. I think they've pretty much given up on me.

Luckily my kids are my everything and they bring me the most joy. If I could run far away with just them I would. The smallest one is still very little so its maybe PND but I think it started before they were born TBH.

When I saw my GP a few years ago, I wrote down all of my symptoms, then passed it to them. It made it mug easier, and they didn't bat an eyelid.