To ask what depression looks like to you?

[TiredSloth]

I’m sorry this isn’t really an aibu.

After realising recently that depression has been a huge part of my life since I was a child I was hoping to ask what it looks like to you on a day to day basis if you suffer from it. Up until now I’ve always just thought that all this was semi normal and that I’m just fat, ugly and lazy and at some point I might snap out of it.

So, on a day to day basis to me it feels like I am clinging on to the edge of being able to function on a basic level of normality whilst desperately wanting to let go and fall into the abyss. That getting up out of bed in the morning is only something I do because if I didn’t the dc wouldn’t get to school and people would start asking questions. I avoid attention at all costs. My dc are fed, clothed, clean and loved which takes every ounce of my energy. Anything ‘extra’ like appointments, taking care of myself, exercising, tidying etc is just too much and I spend my days confined to my sofa between school runs. I have no idea how to change and I continuously convince myself that I will pull myself together very soon and start living life; but I don’t think I even know how to do that anymore.

I’m really sorry about the rambling but I just needed to get that out somewhere even if no one reads it. I understand it’s very self indulgent.

Also just one more question- if you are a sahm what do you do during the day? Do you schedule your day to different time slots? Sorry for all the questions.

Alcohol is a depressant. Find another antidepressant from the GP. For me fluoxetine does the job. On the really bad days I'll just cry at anything, like my eyes are leaky taps and there's nothing positive to look forward to and I'm all consumed by my problems. On good days, if hor everything to look forward to and feel a completely different normal person. Wouldn't be without the medication 😂

^much

I feel drained & shattered all the time, no patience & really irritable. I can't motivate myself to do anything. Even going to the corner shop seems a daunting mountain to climb & people just walking by seem threatening.(maybe I feel so vulnerable I see them as a threat ). I worry & catastrophise over everyday stuff. I binge eat & sleep for hours on end. Anti depressants really do help: after 3weeks,the change is amazing, I'm a different person then.

I don't know, but I do relate to a lot of what you say. I don't have a lot of energy and once I've done what I need to do I'd rather just sit quietly. I wouldn't call myself depressed, though. I'd just say I was an introvert with low energy. I've seen depression, I lost my sister to it 3 years ago. For me, depression is about being miserable without a cause.

I can also feel my depressive episodes starting.

Everything is harder. I'm thankfully very high functioning- I can be struggling with suicidal thoughts, but still able to get to classes and exams. I've spent the last three days just in bed- crying on and off. It's painful just being in my head. I've been watching hours of anything on youtube just to distract myself from hurting myself.

I lose hope that things will change and that nobody can help me (I've been in therapy for close to three years already). I also get thoughts that I don't deserve to live and that I'm a waste of space.

I keep emergency food because I know I'm going to slip eventually just protein bars and long life chocolate milk.

I'm also able to manage suicidal thoughts and go to work and deal with other people's issues
I actually find it helps me tune out

I only began having suicidal thoughts with my last episode

I wouldn’t say I have actively suicidal thoughts, it’s just that the thought of all these days stretching out in front of me is too much. I have come to the conclusion that life will never get better for me, I will be a fat ugly lazy loser forever. I’m so worried for the future of my dc because they don’t have a good role model.

You are not being self indulgent

It feels like drowning in a black sea when it’s bad. And sometimes the tide recedes (sometimes quite far and for quite a long time) leaving me in the beach, but the dark tide always come back in eventually.

To me it's waking up feeling like I haven't slept and watching the clock until it's bedtime again. I have three kids one in school one in nursery and a baby at home with me. Every chore i do is an achievement and one step closer to me being able to go back to bed soon. If I didn't have my children to motivate me to get out of my bed I don't think I would.

Firstly I need to say I have never been diagnosed or even would say that I have suffered from proper depression.

However, I have wanted to get up and leave. I have wanted to walk out the door and see where I end up. I have wanted to just stop. Not stop living (although I often think that apart from DD2 no-one will really care if I did), but just stop doing stuff. Stop going to work, stop driving places, stop doing housework. Just exist.

I don't think I've really suffered because I have still put one foot in front of the other. I get up every morning and go to work (in fact I'm an early riser as I start work at 7 so get too fidgety if I'm still in bed by 8AM on my non-working days) I exercise. In fact I love being outdoors and fresh air.

Like you OP its not something I can really talk about as like you I play it down. Unless I'm typing it because then its just words on a screen and I'm not really letting anyone know (even though rationally I know there are people reading this)

I have a doctors appointment on Monday to discuss possible early menopause and/or mental health. I have been keeping a diary since I made the appointment. Just for something to say. I feel silly going, but I wont get anywhere by not going.

Is it a bad thing that I want to fall? I want to fall deep so I can break and then I can be put back together. I feel silly because my low thoughts come and go. Feel like I might just get fobbed off by the doctor, but I've got to try no matter how nervous I feel. I just hope its not normal and that I can get better.

So that's my story.

Is it a bad thing that I want to fall? I want to fall deep so I can break and then I can be put back together.

This. I’m so desperate to just let go and fall into nothingness but I feel like everyone will think I’m just attention seeking.

Your not attention seeking both of you. 1 in 3 take antidepressants at some point in their life. By thinking that it's like your saying that those who have sought help are attention seekers? I know you don't mean that really, so what are you waiting for? Book an appointment.

It's like being at the bottom of a deep hole. The depth varies. Sometimes I can only hear other people. Sometimes if they reach down we can touch fingertips. Sometimes they can hold my hand. But that's all.

Its lonely. It's confusing. It's scary. It doenst make sense. It's foggy. Brain fog.

My children are clean and fed and loved. I haven't had a bath for about 5 days.

I have no motivation. My house is a tip. Sometimes I can't remember what i need to say, the words get lost and I stop mid-sentence.

I can't concentrate on anything for long. If I'm watching tv I'm also on my phone. Its practically super glued to my hand but I can't seem to not play on it. 2 pages of a book and I've had enough. I used to get through a book in a day or 2.

Yet to the outside world I laugh, I joke and they think I'm fine.

I saw the GP earlier. Shes changed my medication as 9 months on Sertraline hasn't made me feel any better at all.

I describe mine like a cloud over my head, a dark grey one. It sometimes shifts so it's shadow is over my eyes and blocks the sunlight and everything appears dull and grey. I feel like it's weight on my shoulders and a heaviness I can't get rid of that just wants me to go to sleep. Depression feels like a warm hug I want to fall into.

Forgot to say.

Physically it's like a weight always pushing on me. I'm always tense. Especially my back and neck.

The air is thick and sometimes breathing is hard.

Thank you all. You’ve made me feel a little less lonely for a bit. I’m going to make an appointment on Monday to see the gp because I can’t handle another day/week/month/year of this.

PorpentinaScamander you have described exactly how I feel everyday in a much more eloquent way than I ever could.

My latest episode of depression I was signed off work (again). I treat recovery like a project at work. My action plan starts with things like go to gp, seek counselling, take meds every day, then also, do some exercise every day, eat meals at meal times, and when off work try to do an errand or meet a friend every day. But I built that up over time. Thr first month I mainly slept. Then I exercised and slept. Then the gp suggested maybe there is such a thing as sleeping too much.
The thing that helped me the most was going on the coil. Before that I didn't think there would ever be a time when I wouldnt be tired.
I've had a few episodes over the years. My brother tells me that this is proof that I can beat it, so I can beat it again. It is hard because the illness sabotages you (pre kids I had depression and missed an appointment despite having nothing else to do that day!)
You can get better. You just have to be prepared to change your neurology which is hard work! Just think of each setback as you getting another step closer. Until you get there you won't know how many steps you have to take. Good luck!

The closest thing I can compare it to is feeling constantly hungover (but without the drinking). I consider myself to be an intelligent person, but my mind feels slow to perform even simple tasks. Then I worry I've made a mistake, so find myself double checking everything and this makes me increasingly anxious. I overcompensate being slow by not allowing myself downtime and breaks in an attempt to get done what I feel I should have done.

I avoid new situations because of this too. I got my driver's licence 2 years ago but barely drove after the first 6 months of passing because the level of concentration I needed to give it just burnt me out. I would just cry after arriving at my destination then get stressed at the thought of having to drive home again.

I also rarely sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time and will wake at least 4 times a night. It feels like I'm going through the motions and watching life rather than experiencing it. I've not really maintained friendships as I can't relate to people; my world feels so small. I work to live, attempt to do the essentials like laundry etc and on a good day may attempt some work on my hobby. I don't have that desire to go shopping for pleasure, go on holidays and days out etc. so I run out of conversation when I get asked about this sort of thing.

To describe it in words. To me it was like a black cloud (as wank as that sounds), but so oppressive and crushing.

When depression took hold, it was like every single issue was 100% magnified beyond how bad it really wasn't and it was all insurmountable. Everything was overwhelming and I couldn't put anything perspective.

I hated myself, I self-harmed, I half heartedly attempted suicide (typical cry for help) and I couldn't have intimate relationships due to low self-esteem.

I had intensive counselling with MIND, I've not taken Prozac since aged 26 and I'm 42 now.

There's nothing wrong with anti-depressants incidentally, but my depression had an obvious route cause that counselling helped.

I forgot to also mention the physical symptoms. IBS, insomnia, lethargy, palpitations, migraines.

Hi OP
You said that you want to know how other sahm's spend their days.
I'm working now but I have been a sahm and been depressed.

Every day was different. With small kids I got out to a toddler group or park every morning and then afternoons testing and playing at home.
Once they were school age I did a bit more housework, but still had plenty of time on FB!! I got kids to school and then took dog out, relaxed a bit. Prepped tea while listening to audiobooks. Did a home study course. Some days I was lazy, others I got loads done.

With depression everything is so hard. For me I know I'll feel better if I make an effort to do one small thing. Have you heard of Flylady? She says start by shining your sink.

Can you do one tiny thing that you can look at and think "I did that, and it's an improvement".

I have also kept a list headed "worthwhile things I have done today" and I put everything that has even the slightest merit - eg got dressed, cleaned teeth.

Baby steps help me, good luck