To think he needs to find the money for our child from somewhere

[ineedtochangethis18]

I will try and keep this short. I have a ten year old daughter, her dad has had some mental issues for the past few years. He doesn’t work, but he’s always doing some cash in hand work. His mum watches my daughter in the half terms whilst I work. They live in another city so I pay for our train tickets to drop her there and back. She stays with her nan during this time, her dad really doesn’t do a lot. He comes and goes as he pleases, always has the latest phone, trainers or game console.

Fast forward to just before school time I asked his mum if he could put some money towards her uniform. I had to pay a big deposit for her childcare and it was really tough. She said he had no money, she knows his benefits havent come through and he’s struggling. Okay fine like always I will take it on the chin and make sure she doesn’t go without.

Today I asked her to ask him again, I really doubt that since May he’s not had any disposable income. She said it’s hard for him, he can’t look after himself let alone our daughter. I’ve recently had a massive cut in hours at work. I start a new job in December so moving forward we should be okay. But I’m just so frustrated that I pay for everything. I told her he should sell his phone and consoles to pay for her in that case. She now thinks I’m being unreasonable. There’s not really an answer I’m just so angry

You are not being unreasonable but he is and she is ...you cannot do it all on your own.They need to start acting like family and pulling together to look after your dd....

Disgusting but not uncommon. Seems to be ok for none resident parents to not provide for their children. If you neglected her like this you'd be reported to ss.

Yanbu

He claims benefits and does cash in hand jobs. I thought NRP made maintenance payments from their benefits or salary? Have you made a claim?
Well done on the new job!

I don’t know how to @ people but thank you! I’m excited. But apparently his benefits haven’t been sorted for months. So it just seemed pointless, it seems a lot of stress for a very minimum amount monthly.

I’ve a lot of sympathy for you and he knows he should be paying / contributing to your daughter’s care.
He’s hiding behind his mother’s skirts in every way to dodge his responsibilities and she’s enabling him .
I do have a bit of sympathy for her however as even though you have to pay rail fare to get your daughter there for care at least she is doing something positive for you and your daughter .
Doesn’t sound like he’ll ever grow up unfortunately. He’s the one who needs the home truths rather than his mother. She’s in a difficult position if you think about it .

He may not be getting benefits yet, but sounds like he will at some point? I would get the cm claim in now ready for when his benefits come through. You could also report him to HMRC cos you can be sure he's not declaring his earnings for tax

Send him links to CEX and the like.
They buy games consoles.

Why are you asking his Mum? Do you have no contact with him? Just feels a bit unfair to put it all on her. Otherwise, YANBU. He should be contributing.

Don't create a rift between yourself and his mum. She seems like a rock to you op. Helping with childcare etc. Don't get her involved

For the meagre amount of money you would get, I wouldn't harass his mum, I'd keep her onside for the childcare as although he doesnt give you anything, she is effectively saving you a few hundred quid every half term

He is being unreasonable not her, stop asking her its not fair

Yeah, we don’t have any contact. Anytime he would have my number he would harass me. I really really appreciate his mum, I would be so stuck without her. I know she must feel stuck in the middle. But to me, our daughter comes first. I can’t feed her on “he’s having problems”. I

If you decide to pursue the finances, threatening to shop him for cash in hand work would potentially persuade him to cough up. However I'm not sure its worth putting your free childcare at risk for.

But why are you involving his mum anyway?

I think it's a shit situation, but I also think you're being very very slightly U mostly because you're chasing someone who can't actually do anything about the situation. She can't make him sell his XboX - he's an adult. She doesn't have the right to confiscate his goods. If he's useless, the only thing she can do is pay you the money herself. Is that what you're hoping she does?

YANBU

Games console should go. Maybe not the phone if it has internet access as he might need that to sort out benefits and job searches etc but even if he didn't want to sell it he could pawn it for a while and I would bet he would get the money to have it back a lot sooner than he would if it was for uniform for his "d"d

If you put in a cms claim (I think its £7 a week from benefits) would he pressurize your mil to stop childcare? His mum sounds great and it must be really difficult for her to act as a go between. Its not her fault he is a selfish father.

He’s a cock.
She’s wrong if she says you’re unreasonable expecting that his child’s costs come before consoles.

But what do you actually expect her to do?
She can’t make him a better man, any more than you can, but on top of that she’ll likely be more defensive of him (and her own parenting) because it’s her son.

Take the child care, and remember that blood is often thicker than water.

YANBU!

It's appalling that he's treating himself to phones, etc. Your DD should always be number one priority. You might as well report him for cheating the benefit system if he's going to work cash in hand and STILL not provide for her.

By the way, to use @ if you just type the symbol in your post and then the start of the user's name (no space between @ and the name) you should get a list to select the person from.

This really sucks but unfortunately there is very little you can do other than harass his mum, which would only make things worse for her, you and DD. It's possible that he really has no money, given the mess the benefit system is in, but if he's always been a prick, he's probably still just being a prick.

I know she can’t do much and she helps as much as possible. I just feel so angry that he can basically live however he wants. Whilst we’re scrimping saving worrying about heating. It’s not fair and it is neglect. I’ve always provided everything for her, if I was in that position I would be doing everything I could do make money.

she is effectively saving you a few hundred quid every half term

She is effectively saving HER SON a few hundred quid every half term, but he still needs to contribute far more than that.

I understand your anger , but he has mental problems.
I think people should remember that before posting such aggressive and hostile messages.

I understand your frustrations but as you recognise there isn't much you can do about it unless you go through CSA. And tempting though it is to keep pressuring his DM about it, it's not her fault.

@Cheeseandwin5 I disagree.
Mental health problems might prevent him from working in a regular job and force him into a casual cash and hand situation, sure. If people were berating him for not earning because of MH issues - yes, it’s more complex.

This isn’t about how he earns his money, it’s about what he then does with it. Namely - buys latest phone, trainers or games console.

There is no MH issue that is going to reduce my disgust at a man or woman buying fancy trainers over feeding his child.

If his Mum is kindly providing 13 weeks a year of free childcare saving you at least a couple of thousand pounds in childcare costs, I wouldn’t rock the boat for the sake of £5.50 a week which is all you’ll get if he’s on benefits.

That’s what my kids dad paid for about a month, then it stopped.