To think he needs to find the money for our child from somewhere

[ineedtochangethis18]

I will try and keep this short. I have a ten year old daughter, her dad has had some mental issues for the past few years. He doesn’t work, but he’s always doing some cash in hand work. His mum watches my daughter in the half terms whilst I work. They live in another city so I pay for our train tickets to drop her there and back. She stays with her nan during this time, her dad really doesn’t do a lot. He comes and goes as he pleases, always has the latest phone, trainers or game console.

Fast forward to just before school time I asked his mum if he could put some money towards her uniform. I had to pay a big deposit for her childcare and it was really tough. She said he had no money, she knows his benefits havent come through and he’s struggling. Okay fine like always I will take it on the chin and make sure she doesn’t go without.

Today I asked her to ask him again, I really doubt that since May he’s not had any disposable income. She said it’s hard for him, he can’t look after himself let alone our daughter. I’ve recently had a massive cut in hours at work. I start a new job in December so moving forward we should be okay. But I’m just so frustrated that I pay for everything. I told her he should sell his phone and consoles to pay for her in that case. She now thinks I’m being unreasonable. There’s not really an answer I’m just so angry

If you hang round here long enough, you'll learn that mental health problems don't count when men have them.

If he has no money, he can't give you any money. Yes he could sell his x-box for £50 but that isn't going to make much difference in the scheme of things, and blatantly would be more about punishing him for being skint.

@thedancingbear I don’t think anyone is saying he should just sell an Xbox. I’m certainly not. I’m saying that if he’s got an Xbox, then how about when the next console gets released, he keeps the one he has - and gives the money he would have spent on the latest one towards his child’s needs?

OP says he has the latest phone, trainer and consoles.

That’s not a result of his MH, that’s a result of his selfishness.

OP I'm in the same scenario. I have two boys to feed and buy uniform for, and they're asking for this, this and this for Christmas -, which I'm looking into pre-loved & charity shops. I want to provide it all sparkling new but I cannot afford it on my one wage, which barely covers living expenses as it is. I am absolutely burnt out every day trying to do it all, and the year long battle with their dad trying to get him off his arse and provide care and financial support towards his little boys is something I can't deal with anymore.

Like you all contact is currently through his parent (dad - who is a GREAT grandad and much more like their actual dad) because otherwise I get lie after lie and a load of excuses. Apparently he's too depressed to work and his income is something like £200 a month at the moment. But when he does see them, he'll turn up in new converse, new coats, new jeans and my boys will say "Daddy's TV is bigger than ours" or "Daddy has Netflix and catch up and a new phone" (all stuff I had to downgrade to the very basics - no digital TV)

Then I'm hit with constant empty food cupboards because they love their food! school trips, costumes for this, special equipment needed for that, materials to build a 3D Mountain for homework over half term.... "Mummy x is having swimming/piano/ice skating/ lessons and I would LOVE that pleeeeeease".... and it's just all really shite isn't it?

All I'm doing is trying to better my career so I can give them and me a better life. I'm in talks with different people about going back to uni & the school of medicine, and if I can support us with student loans, loans from parents etc. There is no other way I can see to stop us all struggling until they leave home in 15+ years - unless I'm expected to find a new man to rely on, which I'm not prepared to do.

If he can work cash in hand why can't he get a legitimate job? Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds- claiming benefits and working without pay tax. Even if he worked part time he could contribute something. Lots of people have mental health issues and hold down a job because they have to support their families. He sounds lazy to me.

@Straycatstrut

Something to look into might be the Physician Associate role. This would be a quicker route to being paid and I think there are some funded options around where you get fees plus a bursary.

www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/explore-roles/medical-associate-professions/roles-medical-associate-professions/physician-associate/training-development-and-regulation-physician

CMS claim for now, then ignore him. Pretend he has been abducted by aliens or lives on a cloud - anything to get rid of the bitterness. You can't change him but you don't have to live with the anger.

In the long run, your daughter will know who fed her, looked after her and was there for her. In the very long run, you have more prospects, earning power and freedom than him.

YANBU. There should be a legal minimum required to support your child, with penalties added for non-payment and the debt follows them forever.

For me this depends on the nature of his MH problems. I’m not going to be able to say he’s BU without knowing whether he is capable of the opposite.

I understand your anger , but he has mental problems.

Since when did being a lazy, selfish git become a mental problem?

Whatever mental problems he has evidently don't prevent him from doing some cash in hand work. Obviously he shouldn't be doing that, but he is. He should be using some of that money to provide for his daughter.

I do know a few years ago he really did struggle. He had a period in hospital. But I said to him it’s been 10 years how long will this go on for? Am I supposed to just let it slide because of mental health issues? I’m not saying they’re not serious or he can’t struggle but when he clearly can work, and has new items. It’s not about him being unable to hold down a job, it’s about him choosing not to support her. His mum said he can barely look after himself let alone our daughter. So there’s that. I know I’m the future we will be okay, just so angry at having to constantly pick up the pieces

They need to start acting like family and pulling together to look after your dd....

The mother is already doing a lot of childcare, she is already acting like a grandparent and helping out. It's the father here that is the one that needs to get it together.

His mum cant make him pay or be any less than a mess. You need to seperate your anger about ex when dealing with his mum. She knows he is an ass but at end of the day she is his mum and will defend him