To think colleague is a bit of a cow?

[Canyoutelliwentpainting]

We joined together so technically “friends” as it’s a big graduate scheme style job, but she makes so many jellyfish style comments - sound innocuous but with a sting in the tail...

Weirdest thing is, she doesn’t do this to any of the men in the group nor the other girls (who are in the minority), seems to be mainly me?

E.g. we had an assessment with work... We discussed it after briefly and I referred to one of the questions being odd. She started discussing it in a way that clearly implied we had put different things down and seemed to be relishing in my discomfort?

Another time, she saw my phone face down on the table and asked if the white phone belonged to me. I said yes. She responded “oh I hate white phones! I like all black everything” - okkkk why mention it then?

Just so many bitchy comments that seem designed to wrong for me. It’s really upset me!

Have you seen the ‘life is too short to rinse glacé cherries’ thread?

Life is too short to put up with this ‘friend’. Unfriendly her. Consider her a random work colleague and take steps to ensure you are on a work-only basis with her.

I had a colleague like this, she was just trying to assert her power over me. I was her direct "competition" despite we should have been a team. Just ignore her or if she continues (in a professional capacity) ask her if she has an issue with you. Things like the phone, I'd just ignore... Or say "I didn't ask what colour you prefer" if I felt like rocking the boat 😂

Keep your interactions with her superficial. I hire grads in banking and one of things I do need to remind people is to pick their trusted circle at work wisely. You can be friendly with everyone but don’t overshare or get drunk around colleagues unless you are properly friends.

The worst was today... we are taking formal qualifications with work and for various reasons I haven’t passed them all first time (she has). We are on different pathways though (she is a school leaver, I was at university). We have just taken our last set of tests and she kept insisting she was going to fail. Knowing that they are retakes for me Someone jokingly said “oh you think you’ve failed now after passing every single other one first time...” and she was all wide eyed innocent... it really pissed me off! Felt like you don’t do that when you know the person sitting across from you has actually failed... choose your audience babe

Cheers Grumpy, that’s true. She is part of my “circle” though and I can’t cut her out. Will distance though

I think you're a bit oversensitive. I doubt she was thinking about you at all.

Take your point single but it seems to be part of a wider campaign. Can’t verbalise but something just feels “off”

Unfortunately there are plenty of girls out there like this. I had a best friend once who would enjoy other people’s misery. She’d tell me my relationship wasn’t going to work because we moved in together after 6 months purely because her boyfriend didn’t want to live with her. She’d tell me constantly how good she felt when she knew I’d put on a few pounds. She’d tell me my phone was shit the day she got the new iPhone (from having the same as mine the day before) so it was comforting to see the look on her face when I was lucky enough (hard work) to upgrade my car and hers was 15 years old and on its way out. Safe to say we aren’t friends any longer. Get out as fast as you can she’ll just drag you down (and she’ll get her day don’t worry)

I would agree with her.

I hate white phones I like black everything.
Your response. You're right I'll get a black one next time.

When she starts talking about a subject like you know nothing.
Your response. You're so lucky you have so much knowledge.

When you agree there is know where to go with it so they give up.

The other option is to be totally silent but give her eye contact. This is brilliant but hard to do as we have an instinct to fill in. She'll start back tracking if your silent.

Don't let her take the upper hand.

Widen the social circle you are in.. She uses you to make herself feel good.

You need have others around you because you are more than equal to her. But deriding you benefits her.

She might be sensitive because you are a grad and she’s not. As you are on different pathways your distance should hopefully increase naturally - most big grad schemes progress talented graduates faster than non-grads even if they have professional quals. They are also more likely to be chosen for plum consultancy projects to help justify fees. Don’t let her or her comments derail you and I suggest you don’t keep her as a trusted confident or as part of your circle. You are in the same grad intake that’s all.

Sh is trying to assert superiority over you. Never show it bothers you. Make other friends in the group. Be your happiest, funniest best self around them.

It took me 7 years to spot a work frenemy. Don't be like me

You're not friends . You are two people who happen to be paid by the same company.

I have had a couple of "friends" like this in the past. You feel so petty when you describe it to people who aren't there or don't experience it, but you know that there are many calculated comments aimed at making you uncomfortable or to zap your confidence. The main friend I am thinking of right now was Queen of the backhanded compliment, also very good at making subtle digs that only I would understand as it was connected to our previous conversations. Everyone else thought she was so sweet. She could be good fun but she was also a bitch.

I try to take it as a compliment - they are trying to make themselves feel better because for some reason they feel inferior around you. My friend even actually admitted this to a mutual friend once!

The best way to deal with it is to develop a great poker face. Don't let on that she is affecting you and limit your personal conversations with her as much as possible.

'Choose your audience babe'

I rather think she has !!! Deliberate dig . Ignore , she's a fanny not a friend

Maybe she has autistic traits? I have autistic traits, and all those comments are things I would say and not mean anything by it.

It could also be that she feels inferior/threatened by you having been to uni when she didn't, so she has to say stuff to try and feel equal/better.

But honestly, I could say any of those things and it'd just be small talk/words out of my mouth, with no malign intent. I like to think I'm not a cow. :)

But if you don't like her, you only have to tolerate her as much as you need to for work. x

The woman is lacking in basic manners and maturity, the things she says are what a tactless 18 year old might say but eventually cringe and the memory and outgrow it. I think, from what you have said, she doesn't mean what she says in a malicious way but I really wish someone - senior maybe - would mentor her a little bit. Interpersonal skills are very important.

Just be casually friendly, no more than that. Don't be too interested and you may find she is a whole lot less tactless, to you at any rate. Others may experience the same from her, I doubt you're the only one.

Rise above it, Canyoutell, be the bigger person and mature with it. It will become part of your experience training in a 'newish' job.

I really hope things improve.

Regarding the phone comment 'but black is such a negative colour'.

That fishing for contradiction compliments ploy is on my last nerve.
Do they know how transparent they are or do they think they are being subtle because no one points and laughs?

Unfortunately there are women like this. They make a seemingly nice or simple comment but with that sting in the tail, sometimes so subtly it takes a moment for the insult to hit, & if you pull them up on it they play the wide eyed innocent card. It's her insecurities making her behave like this, & if she's only targeting you, then it's probably because she is jealous of you & feels the need to try & cut you down to size. Don't let her make you feel bad, take it as a compliment & pity her that she needs to be a bitch to feel better about herself.

She doesn't think of you as a friend OP, but as her competitor.

I had an ex-friend at uni like this. I am pretty laid-back but she started to really get me down, so I distanced myself. But, like you, it was tricky because we were in a group of friends. Once I did that life became easier and I found out that quite a few people didn't like her much both inside our circle of friends and out.

Whenever she says anything douchey just put on a syrupy voice and say 'Good for yoooou!' much like you would if you were humouring a child. Add an arm/hand pat for added effect.

"Oh. Wha.. why would you say that? Seems a bit pointlessly mean."

Or just the "Oh." Deadpan.

Or as suggested, silence and look at her. She's busy digging her own grave; don't stand in the way of her falling herself in.

I've tried the silence and eye contact tactic after reading about it on here - it really works! It disrupts the natural order of a conversation and the other person then tries to fill the silence. Best done with a poker face.