To feel so ashamed of myself for sending flowers when feeling passive aggressive

[Feelingabitashamed]

Hi,

I have been off work 6 months with severe anxiety and depression and panic disorder stemming from a long term health condition I have. This has included suicide ideation and self harming. I have been to my GP.

I've really being doing my best to keep my life going including starting a masters, looking for a job that is more suitable and doing voluntary work to help with future career plans.

During this time, I have barely heard from my dad or sister and my mum has only been sporadically in touch, often cutting conversations short or pushing me to go back to work. They are aware of the full situation, except the self harm. Nobody has visited despite them doing a lot of travelling and me going to see them over the summer. I live quite a distance away but have always visited regularly. I don't feel like going to my hometown at the moment as it has quite stressful memories of being bullied at school and treated like an outcast.

I promise I do my best to be pleasant company and don't go on about my problems. when my mum.does call, I listen to her talk at length about whatever subjects she wants to discuss, neighbours, her friends etc.

I am very independent and I suppose quite successful, not loaded but own house, decent job etc but feel a bit isolated and as though I am an embarrassment to the family.

My mum is having some minor elective surgery today, it will hopefully be a good improvement for her and we have discussed all it entails.

I am feeling unbelievably ashamed of myself because I sent her a lavish bouquet of flowers and card with a get well soon message and am worrying so much that I sent it partly out of passive aggression because nobody has really acknowledged how unwell I have been. I am sat in tears worrying to death in case the surgery goes wrong and I sent it feeling that way. I genuinely meant it as a loving gesture too, but feel really bad about the angry aspect.

Gah! I am such a mess.

Sorry to hear of your problems; but this is your anxiety... your mum will not take it as passive aggressive she will just enjoy the lovely bunch of flowers you have sent her, Which will put a smile on her and hopefully make her feel a little better.

You are anxious over the operation which is fine; I’m sure once you hear she has come out and is doing okay, you’ll settle down.

Please try and distract yourself; you’ve done a lovely thing.

Don't beat yourself up. Sending the flowers was a nice thing to do. And you have every right to have mixed feelings of both hoping her surgery goes well and being upset/angry that they have not supported you. that's perfectly normal. And have some flowers yourself

It doesn't sound like your mum thinks you're in need of comfort or are actually ill. Lots of people don't think mental health counts as "real illness". If she doesn't think you're ill then she won't see the irony in your flower gift. She won't see the passive aggressive slant. She will just see nice flowers telling her to get well soon.

Don't let it upset you or affect you badly. She is not going to think "oh, she sent these to make the point that I've not done the same for her"

The real issue here is how you're feeling, and if you are trying to lash out. That's not good for you, and might be worth having a real conversation with your family

Sounds like you've had and are continuing to have a really tough time, I hope that things continue to improve for you in the coming months.

I think your family could have been more considerate, but people do get caught up in their own stuff and I'm sure because of how successful you are they don't really see your struggles for what they are. This isn't a reflection on you and not really on them, but it can be very tough to empathise with something that you don't fully understand especially in someone who has seemed very together previously.

In regards to your flowers, I really don't think your mum will pick up on the passive aggression, she will most likely think "How nice". And even if by some miracle she thought these are a bit much after we've ignored her through her illness, that would mean internally acknowledging that they haven't been there for you and not done as much as they perhaps should have. Believe me when I say people really struggle with this thought process, they will not feel they have done something wrong so will not think anything negative of these flowers.

I hope you don't mind me saying, but I think your anxiety here is very likely a symptom of your bigger anxiety and mental health issues. It's easy to see why this would create those feelings but on this occasion I think you're safe from any repercussions.
You've actually, perhaps a little inadvertently, done a lovely a kind thing for your mum, she'll really appreciate it and it may even make her rethink her support for you in a positive way but don't count on that.

Take care :)

Your mum won't see it as passive aggressive. She will see it as a generous and kind gesture.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I have been depressed and anxious and off work because of it. People can sometimes avoid it - my mil assumed I was "better because I'm not at work" as I was off with work stress. My mum said I would be "silly enough" to kill myself or hurt myself. It can be a really frustrating time.

In feeling passive aggressive, I've had a bit of a feeling like this lately. One of my close friends is off work with stress and depression. She is finding it very difficult and I think me now sharing my experiences is a genuine help to her. She was saying how people don't understand why she doesn't want to go out and I was dying to bring up her getting mad at me when I couldn't bring myself to go out to a party at hers. I felt so nervous I was going to blurt out "now you know how I felt!".

Sorry, I know that's not the same as what you're experiencing, but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one getting annoyed at yourself.

I hope you are getting the help you need, and wish you well.

Sorry, mum said I wouldn't be silly enough to kill myself.

They won’t see it as passive aggressive!

Your mum had surgery you sent flowers, as lots of children would of.

I think when struggling with mental health issues a lot of people don’t know what to say, how to support. I think it’s because sadly we have only just started to talk about mental health openly and it’s taking a while for people to know how to react to it.

You're all so amazingly kind, thank you very much for the support. I'm just reading through the responses now and am feeling like very marginally less of an arse

Your mum will see it as a thoughtful, loving gift. She won’t consider it passive aggressive for a second.

Sunnyside thank you for sharing your experience, sorry to hear you've been unwell too, it is helpful to hear though that I'm not the only one who has ever felt this sort- of resentment. Hope you're getting better too (not the pass-ag kind)

She will enjoy the flowers- and not think of any hidden meaning.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the support (or even flowers) that would have helped you.

Unmusnetty to everyone dealing with this.

Look on the bright side - we don't have to deal with all the Mental Health Awareness Day posts on social media for another year...

You deserve to be PA though. Instead of letting the anxiety take over and feel guilty, see it as a 'I have shown how to behave like a decent relative'.

A word of advice I find hard to follow myself. Instead of letting people ramble on about themselves, start talking, whatever minor things. You don't have to be 'the ear' to your dm. Even though you don't think you have anything interesting to say, you are sharing and not just being the reluctant supportive one.

Don't know if this makes any sense?

I agree, people don't know how to be around you or what to say when they know you are mentally ill. I hope you have other sources of support beyond your family OP.

Just to say as well, there is no way they will 'pick up' on any passive aggressive intention, I agree that is your anxiety talking and as such you can look at that as a signal to yourself of things you need to look at in yourself. Also, your angry feelings sound valid, don't dampen them down, acknowledge them. You feel unsupported and unheard, that would make any of us feel angry.

@Inebriati...Indeed!

I would think she will see it as a kind and thoughtful gift rather than passive aggressive, so I wouldn't worry about it.

I am a psychotherapist working with mostly young adults and a recurring theme of the work is the guilt and shame so many people feel when they simultaneously love and hate their parents. Rather than feeling proud of themselves for still being able to love despite some of the unkind and unhelpful things their parents have done, they focus only on their ‘bad’ feelings and judge themselves for them.

The mixed feelings you describe are normal. They are part of an adult and realistic relationship where you can see your parents flaws and love them anyway.

You say you have seen your GP for help -has she/he suggested counselling? Do you feel ready for it? It might be helpful for you to have a safe, non-judgemental space for you to talk about this.

I hope your mum makes a good recovery. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same consideration and compassion you show to other people.

I’m going to be a bit brutal OP so skip my post if you can’t face it.

Quite honestly your mother doesn’t sound like she is emotionally aware enough to even contemplate that you might have sent the flowers passive aggressively.
She sounds selfish and selfish people only see how things affect them. I can guarantee she will see your flowers and will have expected nothing less. She won’t see any hidden meaning as she believes (rightly or wrongly) that she deserves them.

I’m sorry your family are behaving very selfishly towards you. People don’t realise that just general life and living can be so much harder for some people and that they are achieving so much just by doing things other people find completely normal.

and for you.

OP, please please read this book, currently available on Kindle (you don;t need a kindle. You can download it from kindle onto your laptop with an app.) They do a print copy too but you have to wait spme weeks for it and I think this book would make useful bedtime reading tonight! It wll open your eyes into the family dynamics you've been enduring and why you suffer such debilitating depression and why you feel ashamed for having conflicting feelings about having done something nice that you also deserved to have done for you. Please please buy it. Only £8 for a lifetime's wisdom. I'm 3/4 way through it and am starting to make sense of some things for the first time ever.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

OMG thanks for commenting, yes I have been referred for CBT which I hope will be useful but there is a 3 month waiting list. In the meantime, I have downloaded Afternoonspray 's book recommendation, many thanks for this. Funnily enough I have always seen my parents that way, as quite immature emotionally even though they were actually comparatively older parents by the time we were born. I remember thinking it even as a child.

I hope the book will provide some clarity for you as well as me as I have always struggled feeling that I should have tried harder to make up for their limitations. Not that they were abusive or neglectful or anything, and both have good points, just not very... loving, I suppose.

Such lovely responses - had to check I was in fact in AIBU!

Remember your Mum isn't in your head. She will just be delighted with your flowers.

You are allowed to feel angry about unfairness and unkindness you know. It doesn't make you a bad person, just human.

Don't feel guilty.
I am sorry you've had such a hard time.
By sending flowers you are treating her the way you'd like to be treated, there is nothing wrong with that.
If she finds it thought provoking it is on her.

You don;t have to try harder to make up for their limitations. You don;t have to try at all to make up for their limitations. They do. But they won;t. So instead, you need to focus on how to feel relaxed and good in your own skin being the person you really are with the feelings (including negative ones) that you really have and not constantly role play to make up for them or to maintain peace with them.