Hi,
I have been off work 6 months with severe anxiety and depression and panic disorder stemming from a long term health condition I have. This has included suicide ideation and self harming. I have been to my GP.
I've really being doing my best to keep my life going including starting a masters, looking for a job that is more suitable and doing voluntary work to help with future career plans.
During this time, I have barely heard from my dad or sister and my mum has only been sporadically in touch, often cutting conversations short or pushing me to go back to work. They are aware of the full situation, except the self harm. Nobody has visited despite them doing a lot of travelling and me going to see them over the summer. I live quite a distance away but have always visited regularly. I don't feel like going to my hometown at the moment as it has quite stressful memories of being bullied at school and treated like an outcast.
I promise I do my best to be pleasant company and don't go on about my problems. when my mum.does call, I listen to her talk at length about whatever subjects she wants to discuss, neighbours, her friends etc.
I am very independent and I suppose quite successful, not loaded but own house, decent job etc but feel a bit isolated and as though I am an embarrassment to the family.
My mum is having some minor elective surgery today, it will hopefully be a good improvement for her and we have discussed all it entails.
I am feeling unbelievably ashamed of myself because I sent her a lavish bouquet of flowers and card with a get well soon message and am worrying so much that I sent it partly out of passive aggression because nobody has really acknowledged how unwell I have been. I am sat in tears worrying to death in case the surgery goes wrong and I sent it feeling that way. I genuinely meant it as a loving gesture too, but feel really bad about the angry aspect.
Gah! I am such a mess.