To start gratuitous board school thread

[PettyContractor]

Prompted by George Monbiot article in the guardian, which I found moving. (I'm not a lefty and therefore not usually a fan of his output, but I did go to boarding school...)

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/nov/07/boarding-schools-boris-johnson-bullies

The psychotherapist Joy Schaverien lists a set of symptoms that she calls “boarding school syndrome”. Early boarding, she finds, has similar effects to being taken into care, but with the added twist that your parents have demanded it. Premature separation from your family “can cause profound developmental damage”.

The justification for early boarding is based on a massive but common misconception. Because physical hardship in childhood makes you physically tough, the founders of the system believed that emotional hardship must make you emotionally tough. It does the opposite. It causes psychological damage that only years of love and therapy can later repair. But if there are two things that being sent to boarding school teach you, they are that love cannot be trusted, and that you should never admit to needing help.

On my first night at boarding school, I felt entirely alone. I was shocked, frightened and intensely homesick, but I soon discovered that expressing these emotions, instead of bringing help and consolation, attracted a gloating, predatory fascination.

The older boys, being vulnerable themselves, knew exactly where to find your weaknesses. There was one night of grace, and thereafter the bullying was relentless, by day and night. It was devastating. There was no pastoral care at all. Staff looked on with indifference as the lives of the small children entrusted to them fell apart. They believed we should sink or swim. (The same philosophy applied to swimming, by the way: non-swimmers were thrown into the deep end of an unheated pool in March.)

Someone will be along shortly to say it's not like that nowadays. How do they know? Do they think parents knew what went on in Monbiots time? Perhaps they did. I remember two characters in "Another Country" discussing this exact issue. One says something like, "If only the parents knew what goes on..." to which the other replies something like. "They do know. At least the fathers do."

I hope I'm not quoting to much, but with hindsight I wish I'd included the following paragraphs in the my quote above.

I was cut off from everything I knew and loved. Most importantly, I cut myself off from my feelings. When expressions of emotion are dangerous, and when you are constantly told that this terrible thing is being done for your own good, you quickly learn to hide your true feelings, even from yourself. In other words, you learn the deepest form of dishonesty. This duplicity becomes a habit of mind: if every day you lie to yourself, lying to other people becomes second nature.

You develop a shell, a character whose purpose is to project an appearance of confidence and strength, while inside all is fear and flight and anger. The shell may take the form of steely reserve, expansive charm, bumbling eccentricity, or a combination of all three. But underneath it, you are desperately seeking assurance. The easiest means of achieving it is to imagine that you can dominate your feelings by dominating other people. Repressed people oppress people

Mostly utter c**p. I went to boarding school and, like everyone I know who went, it was a mixed experience. Some bullying went on but nothing on the scale in this article (which is horrific abuse) and on a par with anything that goes on in state schools.
Parents don't abandon their children and you see them every holiday and sometimes every weekend, there are phonecalls nightly if needed, visits for events etc. I really enjoyed being a boarder and the children who didn't settle in didn't stay. There is always pastoral care, I am not damaged in any way by the experience, in fact I'm a happy, sociable normal human being.

You do realize that Jeremy Corbin also went to a private boarding school (although I believe he was a day boy?)?

Lots of the above happens regardless of the school system.

I went to boarding school (in another country) and even though I was older, it was in part my choice, there was pastoral care and very little bullying, it was still very hard. Don't have any evidence to back it up other than my own experience, but I can absolutely believe that the type of boarding school experience GM describes can damage a person in profound ways.

I don't think everyone who went to boarding school will experience this but yes many will do. Kids need love and a safe haven to return to every day. Some can manage longer spells without getting this but for the significant proportion who can't it's going to have long term negative consequences.

NoNseN$e!!! DiDn’t dO me aNy HraM at ALL!!!

How old were you when you went OP?

It just feeds the myth that "rich people" care so little about their children that they put them in "lord of the flies" type institutions where they leave them until they are 18 and emotionally damaged.
This is so far from the truth in my experience.

What on earth proof is there that abused children ""form a steely reserve, expansive charm and bumbling eccentricity"" ???

Anyone I know who went to boarding school for a long time, starting fairly young say they needed therapy as adults to work through the trauma. The only one I know who went as a very young child was a deeply unhappy adult.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it for a few years when they're in secondary, but based purely on the adults I know, I would never send a younger child to boarding school myself and keep them there till after a level. It wouldn't be something I'd feel confident doing at all. I think it's a bit of a gamble.

I'm sure it isn't as this article describes anymore, but

This is a really interesting subject. I was bullied relentlessly at school (state primaries and comprehensive). I honestly think I'd have been suicidal if I'd had to board and couldn't escape my tormentors for weeks on end. Of course, for popular people, boarding school might be a good experience.

@Harpingdon are you deliberately misquoting the article?

What it actually says is that abused children create a shell around themselves which may take the form of steely reserve or the others.

This is clearly an opinion piece but that abused children have difficulty processing emotion is widely recognised. That's not to say boarding school IS abuse necessarily.

There was a recent thread on here where MNers who boarded recounted their experiences. The majority would have much preferred to remain with their own families, IIRC. I can entirely believe that article.

John McDonell was also educated at a private boarding school. I think some people miss the point that for some kids, especially in the past, school was better than home. Before anti depressants etc some women were just not able to look after their kids properly.

twitter.com/FergusCraig/status/1190291347951030273?s=09

DB and DSis went. Aged 7 and 11. They've never forgiven my parents for it.

I stayed home with my narc mother. Not sure who had it worse, tbh. They can both do friendships, which I struggle with.

Problem is that these people earn their money from criticising boarding schools. So they have no incentive to be objective. The worse they can make it the more articles they sell and the more the £££££ roll in.

Boarding today - particularly prep boarding which is where most of their criticisms are aimed - bears no resemblance to boarding 40, 30, 20, 10 or even five years ago. There are hardly any UK boarders under the age of 10 and the days of packing Tristan off to school in September and picking him up in December are long gone.

Bullying and abuse can happen in many contexts - within the home, at day school or at a boarding school. Arguably children in boarding schools are now better protected from abuse than children at home as the sector is now so stringently regulated. There will be incidents from time to time but there are similar risks for children at day school or at home.

Anyone I know who went to boarding school for a long time, starting fairly young say they needed therapy as adults to work through the trauma. The only one I know who went as a very young child was a deeply unhappy adult.

My husband, his four siblings, several of his cousins and most of his friends went to boarding school at a young age. They mostly seem OK - nobody seems particularly traumatised. And some appalling things did happen.

BUT none of them went on to send their own children to boarding school at a young age. And when DD age 13 said she wanted to go to boarding school here in the US, DH took a lot of persuading. (Turned out she loved it.)

I do think boarding school at a young age needs to be thought about very carefully, and it should be very rare and only used when it's the best option.

I'm sure that's true Lobster, but that's why I said it's a bit of a gamble. Some people will be fine, some people won't. Why would I risk it? No chance.

Similar to @HoldMyLobster's point - my three siblings and I all boarded. None of us has sent our children to boarding school. I think that children need to spend a significant amount of time with people who love them.

Bullying and abuse can happen in many contexts - within the home, at day school or at a boarding school. Arguably children in boarding schools are now better protected from abuse than children at home as the sector is now so stringently regulated. There will be incidents from time to time but there are similar risks for children at day school or at home.

It's certainly not true that children at boarding school are less vulnerable to abuse or bullying. The checks only prevent reoffending and are also present outside boarding schools. It's less likely to be picked up on also because they don't have a safe base to return to and a parent who will notice subtle changes in behaviour.

You missed the point the previous poster made anyway. If a child is being bullied or is just temporarily or permanently unhappy at school it would be much worse at boarding school because it's inescapable.

It's healthy for kids (and adults actually) to go home and away from friends/colleagues etc each day to regroup - it gives you space from any minor or major issues you might have had during the day. Kids also need unconditional love preferably on a daily basis and to be part of a family. I've never heard a psychologist suggest boarding as a good idea particular for younger (less than 16 year olds). Obviously if the home environment was awful it might be less bad to board. A robust kid may not be particularly harmed by boarding but you're undoubtably taking a big risk.

I have to say I wish I'd been able to board as I might have suffered rather less physical abuse at the worst of boarding schools than I got from DM and DF both of whom were very free with their hands (and I suspect I'd have had less gas lighting too)

DC1 is now boarding fro 6th form and absolutely loving it as the school have a full picture of what they are up to rather than their being torn in two between Saturday music school saying do more practice and day school saying give the instruments up in favour of academic work....

I was a 1980s boarder and there was zero pastoral care. Could only phone parents once a week and that was provided someone didn't over run into your time slot which was then tough. Remember no emails back then. Our letters were read before we sent them so we didn't complain about treatment or school. Half term was only Wednesday to Sunday not a whole week. Only allowed to wash hair once a week when I first started although that changed after two years.

However it was an amazing experience and I learned self resilience. Yes it was hard at times when sent to Coventry for seemingly no reason. Didn't experience full on bullying but boy did it happen. You learned to keep quiet so it didn't happen to you.

Would I send my DS13? Hell no.

It's healthy for kids (and adults actually) to go home and away from friends/colleagues etc each day to regroup - it gives you space from any minor or major issues you might have had during the day. Kids also need unconditional love preferably on a daily basis and to be part of a family

I think that depends entirely on the family. Mine was not like that. I loved going to my day school and I dreaded going home in exactly the same way that some boarders dreaded returning to school. The difference is that home was 365 days a year.