To start gratuitous board school thread

[PettyContractor]

Prompted by George Monbiot article in the guardian, which I found moving. (I'm not a lefty and therefore not usually a fan of his output, but I did go to boarding school...)

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/nov/07/boarding-schools-boris-johnson-bullies

The psychotherapist Joy Schaverien lists a set of symptoms that she calls “boarding school syndrome”. Early boarding, she finds, has similar effects to being taken into care, but with the added twist that your parents have demanded it. Premature separation from your family “can cause profound developmental damage”.

The justification for early boarding is based on a massive but common misconception. Because physical hardship in childhood makes you physically tough, the founders of the system believed that emotional hardship must make you emotionally tough. It does the opposite. It causes psychological damage that only years of love and therapy can later repair. But if there are two things that being sent to boarding school teach you, they are that love cannot be trusted, and that you should never admit to needing help.

On my first night at boarding school, I felt entirely alone. I was shocked, frightened and intensely homesick, but I soon discovered that expressing these emotions, instead of bringing help and consolation, attracted a gloating, predatory fascination.

The older boys, being vulnerable themselves, knew exactly where to find your weaknesses. There was one night of grace, and thereafter the bullying was relentless, by day and night. It was devastating. There was no pastoral care at all. Staff looked on with indifference as the lives of the small children entrusted to them fell apart. They believed we should sink or swim. (The same philosophy applied to swimming, by the way: non-swimmers were thrown into the deep end of an unheated pool in March.)

Someone will be along shortly to say it's not like that nowadays. How do they know? Do they think parents knew what went on in Monbiots time? Perhaps they did. I remember two characters in "Another Country" discussing this exact issue. One says something like, "If only the parents knew what goes on..." to which the other replies something like. "They do know. At least the fathers do."

Anecdotally, those of my friends and family who were sent to boarding school at a young age all admit to having been damaged by the experience. They all have certain personality traits in common (very capable and confident outer "shell" but unable to express any emotion or admit when they're not coping, difficulties opening up or committing in relationships). Of course, this is just a small sample from personal observation. Also, I know a number of people who boarded when they were older (secondary school age) and had the best time of their lives.

Hopefully, pastoral care and supervision are now better. A relative of mine who boarded about twenty years ago got in minor trouble over an incident where he and a friend tortured a younger boy (literally, not figuratively - they even had the child tied up). A friend of mine remembers lying in bed hearing a member of staff molest another child.

@PettyContractor
Sorry I should have made clear that it's healthy to go home to a loving, stable home environment. If that home isn't available I agree a boarding school might be a better option. I'm sorry you had a difficult home life :(.

Brain development suggest that peer pressure for teens is processed as a life or death issue. It's in that part of the brain. When that goes wrong, and there isn't enough countering it because they can't get away, it pretty destructive.

That said I think boarding schools have their place, for specific situations and circumstances. A friend went from day girl to boarder for her last three years. She was already happy and confident at the school, and she no longer had the drag of the daily journey.

There was no pastoral care at all. Staff looked on with indifference as the lives of the small children entrusted to them fell apart. They believed we should sink or swim. (The same philosophy applied to swimming, by the way: non-swimmers were thrown into the deep end of an unheated pool in March.)

Sounds exactly like the school I went.
But it wasn't a boarding school...

That being said: early boarding wouldn't be something I'd choose (unless I truly believed it was necessary).

My view is that arguably the children who are damaged by boarding school would be damaged by something else in their lives and outcomes would be no different, or differing set of problems. You only need to see all the issues, threads on here to see that.

DS1 boarded from 8-18, he has MH issues but those that typically start in mid teens. I strongly believe he would have had the same problems regardless of schooling.
DS2 boarded from 11-18...no problems there...DD didn't board but has had eating disorder...what there is in the paternal side of the extended family is history of MH issues, depression, alcohol abuse etc...I believe genetics are a bigger player.

I know it is controversial but I do believe there will be the same claims with children in wrap around care from babyhood in the future.

Reality is that some children, like adults, cope well, others will develop problems. If I remember correctly it is something like 1 in 4 will develop MH problems during a lifetime...

I boarded from the mid-Eighties through to the mid-Nineties, from age nine to 18. I have to say that I simply do not recognise all these descriptions of abuse, hardship, emotional isolation and so on. My family were living on the other side of the world when they sent me, for reasons which were very clear and logical and explained to me. I never once felt dumped or abandoned there, and knew full well that they found the separation a lot harder than I did.

The pastoral care was absolutely excellent. Issues that would have had my own parents all at sea were things that had probably cropped up every year for the staff - it was like having access to decades of (professional) parental experience spread across a couple of dozen individuals each with their own insight - and that's before considering the pastoral care that the older kids give to the younger ones.

What I found at school was a vast, diverse, second family where I learned how to give and receive incredible emotional support and empathy from my fellow pupils. My Upper Sixth year, when I was responsible for 50-odd kids aged 13-18 remained probably the single most fulfilling experience of my life until I had children of my own.

I remain very close to a handful of them, as much a sibling to most of them and as a parent to one or two, and the one consistent message we all hear from those who didn't board is just how normal and well-adjusted we all are. I pull my hair out with this; what do people who've never met an ex-boarder really expect? What I can say is that I would trust almost anyone who went to my school with my life, even if I've never met them, and I am confident that with a few exceptions they would all be able to cope with anything that life throws at them.

My only regret about the boarding school industry is that it is now so hideously expensive as to be out of the reach of all but the most extraordinary of financial circumstances or talented kids. Would I send our kids there? Absolutely, if we could make the ends meet.

It’s nothing short of abuse imo. I only know two people who went to boarding school, one well, one an acquaintance. They are both seriously fucked up adults.

Dd is a day girl at a boarding school. It's like a high-end activity holiday with excellent academics thrown in. Haven't met a single girl who hates it. Schools generally deal with bullying a lot better than they used to. Dh boarded and loved it. Doesn't prove anything either way but I wouldn't worry if my gcs went to boarding school.

Yes, never undersrand why its perfectly fine to leave a hysterical toddler at nursery but boarding school is somehow horrific!

NoNseN$e!!! DiDn’t dO me aNy HraM at ALL!!!

i went at around the same time as Johnson (maybe a year later) and I hated it. There were very good reasons for me going, which i agreed with (at least in theory before i went) and even while my education was second to none, the rest of it was just... nope.

So many petty rules, so much bullying, and school food every single meal. As an overseas boarder i nearly never had a Sunday exeat, or an exeat weekend, and on the rare occasion that my mum came to meet me at my grandparents for the (very short) half term, they had to prise my fingers off the columns in the station to get me on the train back.

And of course there were some good times, and i made friends for life and got other opportunities I'd haver have had. But it has affected so much of my life (all girls, i had no contact with teenage boys/young men until after i left) that i sometimes have to give myself a mental shake to get on with stuff (example: packing. Packing even to go away for a fun weekend gives me all the stress)

I'm pretty resiliant though. Wish i hadn't learned it in such a shit way.

@Trewser
Dd is a day girl at a boarding school.

I'm now in touch with day girls from our school, we're all adults some with children (none of whom boarded, some of whom went to our school) and they ALL report back how much they pitied us, but that hearing our stories now, they didn't realise most of what went on outside of lessons)

Well that's not the case with dd and her friends.

That's great for them, I'm glad boarding school has moved on because it was awful. But the article is about how boarding school affected the current crop of "leaders" and it seems to me that their experience is more likley tobe like mine, unfortunately.

I loved my boarding school. I was so sad to leave it.

Nope, dh is in his 50s, loved his school and has a lovely bunch of well adjusted friends. Not saying all schools were good, but some clearly were.

I think it's changed a lot over the past few decades. My dad went at 7 and it was hugely damaging for him. He's in his eighties now and only just able to begin to talk about it. He excelled academically but struggled to show affection, pushed people (including his children) away, is divorced several times, and basically has suffered for it emotionally all his life, as he will now say -- it's very similar to what Monbiot says.

My DS is boarding now at 6th form, because he wanted to go to a particularly place that caters to his specialist interests. I wouldn't have wanted him to go any younger than this, and even then he found it incredibly difficult at first. He's absolutely fine now, and feels he made the right decision because of what he's getting educationally, but he always comes home exhausted and visibly relaxes as soon as he gets here, and I am always counting down to him coming home.

"What I can say is that I would trust almost anyone who went to my school with my life, even if I've never met them"
Amazing

Those putting up enthusiastic defences of their own boarding experience - that's how you've been trained, it's a cult-like reaction instigated by the school and the years of being gaslighted and beaten down (not necessarily literally).

Excepting anyone who actually did have a good experience and has come out a well-rounded individual. But going by everyone I know, that's usually a facade. Still, well done making it through.

Those putting up enthusiastic defences of their own boarding experience - that's how you've been trained, it's a cult-like reaction instigated by the school and the years of being gaslighted and beaten down (not necessarily literally)

what rot.

I'm sure some schools were shit. They are far better now. Dds school is like Mark Warner. They don't tend to start until 13 though.

Depends what age you go. Very young I find awful.

It will be a mixed bag of experience but even without bullying homesickness can be sad. And generally the parents will skip over it and say x is thriving.

I got over homesickness after a couple of years and then enjoyed it in last couple of years with great friends. Some had truly horrible times bullied physically etc and obviously couldn’t go home at night to avoid it.

I have a teen now and I’m kind of marvelling at the difference in his life in a day school. Just being here.

The horrible thing about the bullying is that the parents sent them back regardless, except for one girl who did leave it was so bad.

Prep boarding is nothing more than poshtercare. And in a home life where there are mental health issues or abuse then it's likely that boarding is a good choice. BUT there's no way that sending a 7 year old away from a loving family for weeks on end is a good idea for their development. It's the same thing for the under 2s and full time nursery. Studies either find it detrimental or with similar outcomes.

poshtercare 🤣

I wouldn't ever advocate sending a younger child (under 14), but I think if the child actively wants to board (and is given the choice, and allowed to change their mind) it's ok at mid-late teens. I don't think any child should be forced to board against their will.