How important it is that YOU like the childminder?

[ChocolateSiany]

My son is 12 months old. He loves going to the childminder. She's really affordable, takes him out all the time, takes him to toddler groups, cooks him amazing food etc. They seem to have a really good relationship, and I am very comfortable leaving him with her. He seems to have a good attachment to her and I love that.

The only problem I have, is that I don't particularly LIKE her. She doesn't like it when I send him in a baby grow because she thinks it's night wear (I think that's just a marketing ploy to get people to think babies shouldn't wear them, but I think they're cute and convenient as he's not walking yet), she is a bit odd and I get the impression she judges me a lot and finds it odd that I am a single parent to such a young baby. There's just something I can't put my finger on. I told her I was vegan when she offered me tea, and she just laughed and said 'erm, okay....' with a weird look on her face - I don't force my son to be vegan and he eats meat and dairy, so it's not like it affects her. I don't preach about or go on about it either. She's just not the sort of person I would ever mingle with. Only because we don't click.

I think part of it is my anxiety and I don't deal well with feeling like people are judging me. The littlest thing makes me to in to panic mode and I am very hard on myself. Don't accept criticism very well (internally anyway).

Am I being ridiculous? It's more important that my son is cared for, right? She has Ofsted outstanding, a great setting and he is doing so, so well. I am trying to put this down to the fact that I question myself too much after coming out of a horribly abusive relationship and having to ask permission re everything I do.

Advice? (As kind as possible. Bracing for AIBU!)

I think you’re probably projecting a bit. Do you feel like this about a lot of people in life or is it literally just her ?

For example the tea thing - if some one said ‘I’m vegan’ as a response to ‘would you like a brew?’ I’d be like er, ok, so do you want one or not ? Because it doesn’t mean you can’t have a brew. You could ask if she has milk alternatives or have it black. IYSWIM.

I was going to say that you need to trust the CM 100% and based on the title I couldn't see how you could trust someone you didn't like but having read your post, I think it's fine you don't click. I don't click with mine. I've wondered whether the best CM don't get on with adults hugely well in general. Mine is pleasant but is difficult to chat with and I think she's probably just not that easy going with adults. She manages the kids amazingly well, is also outstanding with ofsted, good food, reasonable priced, has an allotment and loads of outside stuff. It's perfect really but the chats at the beginning and end of the day can be a bit strained. Personally I wouldn't worry about it in the context of your wider post.

So it’s not that you don’t like her it’s that you two don’t ‘gel’.

In the situation you describe (your ds has settled well with her and the standard of care seems excellent) then as long as your gut instinct trusts her I wouldn’t rock the boat tbh.

You can’t be besties with everyone and I think it’s a really good thing for your son to be exposed to different environments so long as he’s happy in them. You could go with someone else and put yourself on the back foot and really unsettle him trying to form another bond in quick succession.

Footiefan I feel like it all the time with loads of people. I'm trying to work on it and on a waiting list for some counselling. It's really complex and I actually have good insight in to why I am like this but still can't snap out of it. I am most likely projecting.

I didn't just say 'I'm vegan, sorry' - I asked politely if she had alternative milks and she said no, just cows. I said no worries I'll just have a glass of water. She said 'you sure you don't want tea' and I said no thanks, I'm actually vegan so no cows milk for me. That's when she looked at me very oddly

I have similar with mine. She’s not especially warm but the kids love her, she does loads with them, is kind to them and is fair.

I’ve decided that happy kids trumps ‘slightly uncertain mum’.

Obviously my uncertainty is just about her personality and clicking - zero concerns about the quality of care.

Olderthen - sounds similar to my situation. I think maybe I just let the awkwardness get to me too much. I'm stuck inside my own head too much

Unfortunately this is going to happen more and more as your baby grows up, goes to nursery and school etc.

You have to work on being fine with yourself and accepting that other people have different approaches. Be ready to defend yourself when necessary (it rarely will be) and bite your tongue a lot!!

As long as you trust her to keep your baby safe and happy that's all that matters.

Merryold that's good to hear (as it makes me feel better about my choice!) - I wouldn't leave him there if I didn't think he was cared for, but this is certainly more of a personality clash than anything else.

Her behaviour is objectively fine, and you noted you have some issues regarding inaccurate perceptions of how people see you. I see nothing untoward in her conduct and, combined with the fact that she’s caring very well for your child, I’d be happy to carry on.

Thanks Emilia

I went mad at home on mat leave without adult contact and just a baby. Perhaps those drawn to childminding and even more so, those extremely successful at it, just aren't so in need of adult stimulation. They may have their own anxiety issues or it might be that they just prefer the simplicity of kids or something. Either way, do what you can to not overthink it and perhaps try to limit time with her? I just see mine at drop off and pick up, I don't have tea with her really (unless signing a new contract or something).

Ooh yes, I can relate to this in my life. But from your first post I would say that it doesn't sound like she's not the childminder for your child, so I wouldn't change her, but maybe use how you are reacting to her as a kind of gauge for how you are feeling? So make it less about her but more about you. We're not going to like everyone, for sure, but unless a specific issue crops up which means you doubt her capacity to care for your child in a way that sits comfortably with you I would continue on as you are. I hope the counselling helps too!
Ooh, just thought as well though, are you looking for permission from us as to what you should do? I don't think any of us can give you that sort of advice, we can just weigh in with our opinions but they are only that.

Thanks older. It was just in the settling sessions that I stopped for tea as she wanted me to stay for the first 30 mins the first couple of times. Her care of him is fantastic. I think I'm just a bit of a mess at the moment and have lost my sense of self. Don't know what's ok and what isn't anymore

Your really comfortable leaving him with her which means you trust her so I don't think it matters you haven't gelled.

I used to work with kids, speaking to tiny humans all day and looking after them all day can make you a bit awkward with popping in adults for some very bizarre reason that I can't explain! Might have something to do with endlessly singing nursery rhymes it does something to you

Woollycardi I probably am in a roundabout way, but in time I am sure I will improve. I'm used to making a decision and being shouted at or having things thrown at me if I get it wrong. It'll probably take time to be able to make independent decisions without feeling like I'm a massive fuck up all the time.

Yep, I sang 'if you're happy and you know it' the other day and he actually clapped his hands. Made me go all warm and showed me that she really does sit and play with him properly, as I had never sung that particular nursery song before

She looked at you oddly because your began and your not raising your child vegan vegans in the press are deemed to be all or nothing

Slippery - possibly! I don't feel equipped enough to raise my son vegan. Until I have time to do more research etc he is having a 'standard' diet. We use cloth nappies at home (and the most planet friendly disposables for childminder). Trying to make a bit of difference but remain sensible. Hard to get it right all the time.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to like my childminder in the way you describe. CM likes being around young children to the extent of spending her day not just with her own but with other people's children too. That in itself says we're going to have wildly different world views!

What I wanted from my childminder is that she looked after my child in a family setting, doing ordinary family things with them (including shopping, hanging out the washing and so on) while keeping them stimulated and happy. And fed. While they were happy, and she clearly liked them, all was well. Didn't matter if she regarded me as an alien from outer space.

Perhaps those drawn to childminding and even more so, those extremely successful at it, just aren't so in need of adult stimulation. They may have their own anxiety issues or it might be that they just prefer the simplicity of kids or something.

This makes us sound very strange! You are aware we do go out to places where there are other adults, have adult partners and do stuff without children at the weekends (without suffering any kind of anxiety)? What a ridiculous comment.

I said perhaps! I very much enjoy adult company and am not great with children, I just wondered whether the opposite was true. No need to get defensive @MintheMinx

I think it's fine op. My cm is great with my son - he loves her and she looks after him well. I don't particularly like or dislike her - I'm pleased my son enjoys his time in her care and I trust her to look after him properly but that's as far as it goes. She is very different to me and I couldn't imagine socialising with her but I don't think that's a problem. As for feeling judged, I think that's just parenting generally; we also feel our best isn't good enough! Try not to worry what others think.