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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate his birthday?

41 replies

BirthdayBitch · 07/11/2019 10:38

My DHs birthday is looming and I dread it!

In previous years he would be working on his birthday (sometimes working away) so we wouldn't do much to celebrate as he would say "it's just another day". Over the years I stopped making a fuss of his day then he began to point out how his birthdays have been rubbish! In recent years he asks people not to get him a card and everyone gives him a pound instead of a card as they "just go in the bin". He likes the kids to give him homemade cards though.

He doesn't need or want much right now as he buys what he wants regularly, though I have got him some surprise gifts. One of our children asked him what cake he wants and he said "oh a candle in a cupcake will do me". I later pointed out that a six year old would be confused by that and that he has to act as if he is more excited. He took it on board but I'm exasperated that he does this martyr act.

On his birthday this year he won't be working. It's also a day he would do his hobby but I think he will cancel that to spend time with the kids. He will ask me what I want to do as "it makes him happy to see me happy"! I know that sounds sweet on the surface but it honestly feels like a big martyr act and I hate it!

On my birthday he asks me what I want to do and makes a fuss of me or will spoil me/celebrate later if he has been working away and we both go OTT on a child's birthday so it's not like he doesn't realise birthdays are a person's special day.

He's not generally this kind of "woe is me" character. He had a happy childhood and birthdays were celebrated so I don't know why he acts like this around his birthday.

OP posts:

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 07/11/2019 10:42

Well, does he want to celebrate his birthday or not? Ask him bluntly, then either do, or don't. He seems to be trying to put you in a position where you can't win. I'd have no time for this game playing.

DappledThings · 07/11/2019 10:45

Exactly this. I hate my birthday and ask everyone to ignore it entirely. I am completely clear about this, nobody needs to feel confused about it.

He's being really unfair claiming his birthdays have been rubbish but offering no idea of what he actually wants.

Blueberrydreams · 07/11/2019 10:47

I hate my birthday if I could get away without celebrating it I would. It could be because it’s on Boxing Day and seems everyone’s afterthought though

onanothertrain · 07/11/2019 10:53

I don't see what the problem is with your DH. I think this is more your issue.

AmIThough · 07/11/2019 10:53

Arrange a family day out and get one of those big cupcake cakes (a giant cupcake). Not much effort and a treat for everyone.

formerbabe · 07/11/2019 11:08

One of our children asked him what cake he wants and he said "oh a candle in a cupcake will do me". I later pointed out that a six year old would be confused by that

Huh?! Why would that be confusing? My dc would enjoy making one or choosing one in the shop and getting the birthday candles.

He's a grown adult...what do you want from him? I don't get excited about my birthday..nor does my oh.

RubbingHimSourly · 07/11/2019 11:12

Stop asking him what he wants. He wants a nice surprise.

I can be a little like your do, I don't want the moon on a stick.........I want affirmation that my dp knows me well enough to do something he knows I'll like. It doesn't have to cost much or even anything but the thought should be there.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/11/2019 11:15

Sounds like you want to make more of his birthday than he does. He doesn't want anything, so don't do anything. Doesn't sound like he's being anything but upfront and clear

DappledThings · 07/11/2019 11:20

Doesn't sound like he's being anything but upfront and clear

He used to say "it's just another day" then complained it was rubbish. Doesn't want cards except does want them from the children as long as they are homemade. Possibly wants a cake but only a small one just for himself. Won't say what he wants to do but wants OP to decide. May or may not cancel his hobby to do something for his birthday but apparently has confirmed this or not.

Nothing about that sounds upfront or clear to me.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 07/11/2019 11:25

Nothing about that sounds upfront or clear to me.

That was my thought. Putting people in a situation where whatever they do is wrong, by being vague and contradictory when you express you wants, is attention-seeking and childish. The OP needs to be firm.

MzHz · 07/11/2019 11:26

Have you told him how much the kids love making a fuss of him? And ask him how much HE gets out of spoiling you on your birthday

Very often those of us who don’t like a fuss made don’t realise we’re denying people who love us to show that they love us.

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/11/2019 11:33

I assume he wants you to surprise and maybe put some effort into his day. It seems, as most people, he doesn't want to be the one organising it. It seems you have got used to making no effort , so maybe it would be nice if you did.
I used to get my kids to make cards, then we would go for a nice lunch and maybe a walk.
You seem to making it more than it is is so you can blame him when you do nothing.

shiningstar2 · 07/11/2019 11:46

I think he does want to celebrate but doesn't want to say he wants to celebrate ifswim. He wants spontaneous fuss not shouting out that he wants a fuss. I know this saying no when he means yes is a pita but if he is great in other ways and makes an effort on yours and the kids' birthdays I think you should just bite the bullet, come up with something and just do it. Doesn't have to be expensive. Well thought out card and funny/classy cake. Bought is fine but if you r good at baking the extra effort involved would probably touch him. Maybe cinema trip that you have booked or lunch you have pre booked. This way, if he's just looking for a bit of effort he will be really pleased. If, on the other hand he doesn't like your choices ...well you tried.

I know how this feels because my dh used to be a bit like this. Not birthdays particularly but say if I was organising a cinema trip, he was 'easy' about what I booked. He 'didn't mind'. So I would come up with two choices. Perhaps one I really fancied and as he 'didn't mind' I would book that one only to find that after it was booked he did mind but hadn't wanted to 'make a fuss about it'. Arhh!!! Good luck with what you decide

ActualHornist · 07/11/2019 11:51

Why is it a martyr act if he says he doesn’t care and he actually doesn’t care?

Why will it confuse a six year old for dad to have a cupcake with a candle in it?

You say he’s not a ‘woe is me’ person but I can’t see that he is around his birthday either? He doesn’t enjoy his but is happy to celebrate yours and the kids?

I totally get not wanting to be the person to make decisions all the time. But I genuinely don’t understand your angst here. Do him a cake and a nice dinner. Arrange a chilled day with the kids that can be easily moved if actually he decides he’ll do his hobby instead.

Witchinaditch · 07/11/2019 11:57

He makes everyone give him a £1 instead of a card? That makes him sound awful! I can understand not wanting cards but maybe just do nothing then? Rather than everyone giving him a quid... what a tight git!

DappledThings · 07/11/2019 11:58

Why is it a martyr act if he says he doesn’t care and he actually doesn’t care?

Because it appears he doesn't not care.

I think he does want to celebrate but doesn't want to say he wants to celebrate

Which sounds to me like he's setting OP up to fail.

hauntedvagina · 07/11/2019 12:03

If he doesn't want a fuss, don't make one! Some people are genuinely not arsed about their own birthdays, I think you need to accept this.

countrybump · 07/11/2019 12:05

Is his birthday around Christmas time? Having a Christmas birthday myself I totally get why he doesn't want to celebrate if that's the case.

TheSnuggler · 07/11/2019 12:07

Ok will be outing but today is his birthday. I got up with kids for school and he made packed lunch whilst I had my coffee. He took kids to school then dropped something off at work. He came home and had a two hour bath then when he came into the bedroom insisted on giving me a massage where I have hurt myself this week. I pointed out he wouldn't usually but he just said it's because he doesn't have plans like he usually would. I had a shower then offered a massage, he only let me massage for a few mins. I offered him a quickie (whilst our eldest DC popped to shop) and he turned it down on account of me only offering because its his birthday.

He is still doing his hobby this evening which is a phew for me as I don't have that pressure to second guess what he wants. Taking DC to choose a cake for him after school and will go for tea. Always feel like he wants to celebrate but won't say so.

humblesims · 07/11/2019 12:10

Eh? Sounds like he's not that fussed. Just do what you think is nice. Let the kids bake a cake and get a small gift. It reads to me like you are the one making it an issue, not him. If he isnt clear what he wants then just do what you want.

AmIThough · 07/11/2019 12:11

@TheSnuggler name change fail?
Have you bought him a present?
Can you arrange babysitters for the weekend and tell him you're taking him out for drinks?

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/11/2019 12:26

Did he grow up in a family where he wasn't encouraged to 'show off' or 'I want doesn't get' was said a lot?

I did. It was a great upbringing but I was never allowed to say 'I want...'. It's led to me being an adult who kind of hints sideways about stuff. I'm trying to teach myself to be more direct, but it's hard!

So I like people to make a fuss, but I won't say I want a fuss, I'll sort of say 'it would be nice if we could all get together and have a meal'. I don't have an OH, just adult kids. Fortunately one of my DDs LOVES to make a big fuss of my birthday and I get a fabulous time every year, but i could no more say 'I'd like lunch out, then afternoon at a spa, a couple of nice, thoughtful gifts then a family meal in the evening' than I could fly to the moon.

It might be 'putting myself forward' or 'making a fuss' or 'being difficult' you see. Upbringing can be tough to get over.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/11/2019 12:28

Sorry, I realise that was all about ME, but I'm trying to get myself in your DH's mindset.

I'd make a big fuss. A big, over the top fuss, cake, day out, nice meal, the works. I reckon he'll love that, but doesn't want to say.

NearlyGranny · 07/11/2019 12:40

The trick with would-be martyrs is to take them at their word first time and then ignore their hurt puppy eyes on the day.

Some people just have elaborately choreographed emotional dances they expect to be partnered in by partners who haven't had the instructions. Life is too short!

"How shall we celebrate your birthday? You don't want cards or cake or fuss? You were disappointed last year when we did what you said, remember? Fine, but no sulks or long face on the day! "

PBo83 · 07/11/2019 13:52

It could be that he genuinely doesn't want s fuss made about his birthday.

Speaking as a near-40 man with a teenage stepdaughter, the idea of 'forced family frivolity' isn't my idea of fun.

I'll get shot down for this but give me a nice "Happy Birthday' in the morning, let me goto the pub and watch the football in the afternoon, takeaway, chilled evening with my beautiful wife (and maybe sex before sleep) and minimum obligations and that sounds like an awesome birthday to me.

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