To hate his birthday?

[BirthdayBitch]

My DHs birthday is looming and I dread it!

In previous years he would be working on his birthday (sometimes working away) so we wouldn't do much to celebrate as he would say "it's just another day". Over the years I stopped making a fuss of his day then he began to point out how his birthdays have been rubbish! In recent years he asks people not to get him a card and everyone gives him a pound instead of a card as they "just go in the bin". He likes the kids to give him homemade cards though.

He doesn't need or want much right now as he buys what he wants regularly, though I have got him some surprise gifts. One of our children asked him what cake he wants and he said "oh a candle in a cupcake will do me". I later pointed out that a six year old would be confused by that and that he has to act as if he is more excited. He took it on board but I'm exasperated that he does this martyr act.

On his birthday this year he won't be working. It's also a day he would do his hobby but I think he will cancel that to spend time with the kids. He will ask me what I want to do as "it makes him happy to see me happy"! I know that sounds sweet on the surface but it honestly feels like a big martyr act and I hate it!

On my birthday he asks me what I want to do and makes a fuss of me or will spoil me/celebrate later if he has been working away and we both go OTT on a child's birthday so it's not like he doesn't realise birthdays are a person's special day.

He's not generally this kind of "woe is me" character. He had a happy childhood and birthdays were celebrated so I don't know why he acts like this around his birthday.

My DH did this this year. He usually works it but this year he booked it off work, I was working though so he spent it with baby DS. I baked him a cake when I got home and we watched his favourite film. He seemed down for ages after and wouldn’t say why, he eventually told me he felt let down that his birthday was so rubbish . It wasn’t a milestone birthday and we haven’t made a big deal of it in previous years so I didn’t expect he’d want me to this year. Men are weird.

So difficult. Trying to think of where he would like to go for dinner. He won't give me any clue, so I'm trying to think of where he would enjoy. All he says is "wherever you want to go". Honestly he makes this big fuss about making me happy on his birthday but it has the opposite effect because it's such a guilt trip and I find it weird. This afternoon he almost took my car to be valeted, I told him it only needs a wash and I'll do the inside as it's a waste of money and he insisted he'd use his birthday money. I managed to convince him not to but this is what I'm up against! My Mum asked if we were going to her house or her coming to us, I asked which he wanted to do and he gave the same "whatever you want" then asked one of our DC to decide as he noticed my exasperation. It's not how he would normally act.

Tell him straight - “what would make me happy is for YOU to decide how YOU want to celebrate YOUR birthday as the uncertainty is making ME unhappy”

I think you’re overthinking this.
Don’t ask him. Just get the kids to make him a card, give him his gifts, sort out a cake and just make a bit of a fuss.
We do favourite breakfasts with a couple of gifts and favourite dinner and cake.
We go out if it’s a weekend. Not much more to it than that.

I totally understand your frustration, I have one just like him, I'm wondering if he's from the N.E. "I'm a simple man pet"I 😂

Mine is also a ridiculously fussy git, so even with hobbies & stuff, I wouldn't dare, Ive wasted money on gadgets over the years that have gathered dust on a shelf still in boxes & I get you feeling like a martyr when they are so generous too.

I've given up though, sod stressing over it. He's happy with me cooking him a nice breakfast & his favourite dinner & a box of chocolates, maybe a bit of homemade cake, but he's as happy with a biscuit & maybe a pub lunch at the weekend & a few pints with his mates

Honestly, you can't change them, but you can change your attitude to it & that's the key. Let's face it, were lucky really if that's the worst they do 😊

I get the OP's exasperation!

It's the expectation of mind reading that is soooo annoying. A person saying they do 't want any fuss and leaving it up to their partner to decide is only fine if it's TRUE.

If it's a actually a passive/aggressive setup so the birthday person can play hurt martyr on the day because you didn' t listen to what they were secretly thinking, only to what they said, it's a horrible thing to do.

It means whatever you do is guaranteed to be wrong: wrong place, wrong gift, too much/too little fuss, too many/too few guests. The birthday person actually enjoys generating the stress and uncertainty beforehand and has a field day of fault-finding afterwards, all while folding their hands and looking sweet and reasonable throughout.

He needs to be called on it. OP needs to stop giving this behaviour the oxygen of her attention. If he gripes, she can just say, "Too bad - too late. I asked but you refused to say. You get what you're given and you don't get to grumble. Learn from this and do differently next time."

Or just, "Enjoy your grumbling and sulking; it was clearly what you wanted for your birthday all along and now you've got it."

You can tel I've got one just like this at home! He regale people with tales of the awful present he got in year x but when reminded of what else he got that year he looks blank.

Honesty time (from a male perspective):

If you ask a man what he'd like to do for his birthday then it becomes a catch-22.

Honestly (like father's day) a lot of men don't want the gifts or a big fuss, they just want to be able to chill.

I'm probably coming across as a dickhead (fair point). Years ago, the pressure from my (now) wife was to do something 'big' that involved the family and was overly celebratory. Personally I hated this, not only did I have to make an effort, I had to be thankful that I'm now sat at a table in some shitty 'family pub' and pretending to be enjoying my birthday.

I'm not a complete dick, I love a nice homemade card, a bit of bonus effort and a birthday cuddle. I don't want to have the whole day planned for me however and feel like, on MY birthday, I have obligations.

He'll probably never be completely honest but please try and get out of him what he'd actually like to do (assuming you genuinely want the day to be about him). Call me all the names you like but my perfect birthday involves a lay-in, a nice casual breakfast with cards, being allowed to go for a couple of pints and watch the football, back for a takeaway, cuddles on the sofa (hopefully with sex), a film and then a nice early night.

Don't try and over-plan.

*this is me, I might not be typical

Call me all the names you like but my perfect birthday involves a lay-in, a nice casual breakfast with cards, being allowed to go for a couple of pints and watch the football, back for a takeaway, cuddles on the sofa (hopefully with sex), a film and then a nice early night.

This is all totally fine. I don't think anyone thinks it's anything other than totally fine (except it's live-in not lay-in). What's irritating is not saying that. If you said you didn't want a big fuss but a nice day as outlined above all good. What OP's husband has done has been all vague about wanting something but not saying what and wanting some fuss but then refusing to engage in any suggestion as to what that might entail. It's really childish.

Yup! He just needs to say this and not play 'Guess what I want - no, you' re wrong!'

Op realistically you could have just organised something a week ago so he didn't have to make any decisions and do anything other than get himself dressed on his birthday

I’m don’t give a shit about my own birthday because I am an adult male. It’s just the day in which I happened to be born. It could have happened any day and I don’t why adults make such a big deal about their birthdays. Genuinely baffles me.

I have young kids so we will do a cake or whatever for them and it’s all good fun but beyond that I’m just not interested. Maybe your husband is the same OP?

"I assume he wants you to surprise and maybe put some effort into his day. It seems, as most people, he doesn't want to be the one organising it. It seems you have got used to making no effort , so maybe it would be nice if you did."
This.

I think I'm like this too. I put in more effort for others then my falls flat. What I truly want is for people to know me enough to buy surprises that I'll love or organise a way to celebrate that I'll really enjoy. I don't want to tell my partner what I want because they should know me by know. I want spontaneity and excitement without having to spell it out.

He isn't telling you not to bother. He really wants you to pull the stops out and make an effort. He wants to enjoy his birthday for once.

So at least three posters on here are of the opinion that mind reading and guessing games are appropriate pre-birthday behaviour. Save us all from partners who never know what they do want but always know what they don't, only after all your careful effort has been wasted!

It's like watching someone go through the 12 page menu in a restaurant rejecting everything, or a toddler who suddenly hates eating the food they whined for until you put it in the trolley. You can't guess or magically know what will please someone if their personal style involves finding fault with everything.

I don't think the genuinely easy-going posters on here are getting it, frankly. Some people get a kick out of being hard-to-please and their best fun is had telling people who are trying to please them that they've failed. The warning characteristic is the avoidance of clarity. "Whatever you think (will be wrong), dear!"

If you haven't met one of these, you're lucky.

NearlyGranny Indeed. It's like the conversation I have with my 3 year old every day where he whines at the television and says "I don't want this. I want dinosaurs" when there are dinosaurs on but it's the wrong dinosaur show and it takes careful negotiation to get him to say which one he does actually want.

So Ive brought it up today and used some phrases from here that nailed it for me but said things better than I could "i.e. set me up to fail". His first comment was "you do fuck all for my birthday, we went for a meal that was nice but we do that all the time anyway". He mentions how he knows what I like and he always takes me out for the day to the place I like to go. So I presume he wants the same and he says "well you know if like experience days, something different". I lost my shit for a while with him and explained how a helicopter flight for him which he'd love in theory is no good because it's not good enough for him, he wants to fly for a long time and even for him to fly the helicopter for 5 minutes is the best part of a £100, he's admitted this before that it's expensive for what it is and he wants to build up flight HOURS.

So the message I'm getting is he wants a super spontaneous unexpected out if the blue day (don't we all, he knows what I like but I'd love something less obvious too) but he's not going to admit that to me beforehand

He since backtracked that he likes everyone around him to be happy and the kids excitement at arranging surprises (but making it obvious bless them) is what it's all about for him. He did like his presents and other people give him money but I think he is disappointed to get money and not presents as he says "he is easy to buy for" and lists things people could buy him.

He thinks I'm nitpicking at him saying I do "fuck all" for his birthday, that I'm obsessing over one phrase he said but I think that's quite an insulting thing to say. I also didn't leave it to last minute intentionally - I was asking in the days in the run up to his birthday if he wanted anything or wanted to do anything in particular, I prefer to do this incase he has his own ideas that aren't what I would plan (i.e. I book cinema but he actually fancied bowling) and he hadn't been forthcoming.