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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should dad pay for the present?

28 replies

ScienceNut · 07/11/2019 01:32

I ask as although this is a small thing, I feel it could spiral.

Little girl has been asked to a bday party at the weekend, 6th party since September and first one that has occurred when she is with Dad.

Who buys present and card?

Background, he earns good money, has 3 children, mine is the 3rd. So I get 1/3 of csa for 3 children, (4.5% of gross pay) lives with new partner who also has child (meant csa went down but is another conversation)

I also earn reasonable money and don’t ask for Dad to contribute any more than the csa. I provide all clothes etc for when she is at his (and do all washing)

OP posts:
butterandbread · 07/11/2019 01:35

I would say absolutely him! He’s just as much of a parent as you are, or should be, so I see no reason why you send her off to stay with him, present and card included.

I assume he’s said otherwise?

Original poster
ScienceNut · 07/11/2019 01:38

No he hasn’t said no, the need for the question only occurred to me while trying to go sleep.

OP posts:
SnowsInWater · 07/11/2019 01:40

I think it would be totally reasonable for dad to source, pay for and wrap the present as it's just what you do as a parent. He has other kids, he should know the drill. The trouble starts if you think he won't do it or will refuse to take your daughter to the party because you ask him to sort the present, that's why mums often end up doing all the "extra stuff" to keep the peace and make sure their kids don't miss out (and I say that as someone who professionally sees both mums and dads behaving appallingly post separation so I am not biased against dads).

user1473878824 · 07/11/2019 01:41

Wait your CSA has gone down because his girlfriend has her own child?

Original poster
ScienceNut · 07/11/2019 01:45

Have a little release here, she is 15 years my senior (9 years his) and he has had the snip now that isn’t worrying me to much!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ScienceNut · 07/11/2019 01:47

Sorry misread that last post!

Yes because he moved in with girlfriend who has a 14 yo who lives with them, the amount he pays me went down. I have checked this and sadly it is legit!

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 07/11/2019 02:26

Yes I do think he should pay for present and card, wrap it up etc. Or get his new person to help him, she might like doing such things (I've always enjoyed buying presents, cards and wrapping).

Do remind him though, Science. It would be awful if he hadn't bought anything by the day of the party. His fault of course but better avoided.

Original poster
ScienceNut · 07/11/2019 02:33

Thinking .....

“Are you ok to get a present and card for the party on Sat?”

If he comes back with no, can sort for this one and discuss.

OP posts:
SuperMeerkat · 07/11/2019 06:29

I’ve put YABU. However, the only reason i’ve put this is because although technically I feel she should buy it, will he?? Or will your little girl have to turn up empty handed because you don’t want to spend a tenner. It’s so galling I appreciate. I’ve got a 16 year old with an ex who won’t pay, barely see’s him and when he was younger I always had to supply the presents, even if it was his weekend. Otherwise my boy went empty handed and he hated that. You just have to decide what’s most important to you.

Chasingsquirrels · 07/11/2019 06:37

I forward the invite and say something along the lines of " I'll leave it with you to sort whether DD can attend, and get the present and card". Dc's time with him, nothing to do with me.

Asking if he is okay to sort leaves it open for him to say no.

Beveren · 07/11/2019 06:44

Don't ask him whether he's OK to do it, use Chasingsquirrels' response.

CalleighDoodle · 07/11/2019 06:48

Id also do what @Chasingsquirrels said. Dad might nit even take the child to the party on his contact day.

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/11/2019 06:50

I only put YABU because it sounds like your DD lives with you and only sees her dad the odd weekend, and parties are always on weekends.
The child support he sends you is supposed to cover things like this and you were the one receiving the invitation, so I think you should buy gift and card.

SoVeryLost · 07/11/2019 06:51

@SuperMeerkat I don’t think that’s what the op said. She asked who should be buying the present.

bobbley · 07/11/2019 06:55

As per pp don't say "are you ok to.."
Just say DD has a party on Saturday, don't forget you need to buy a present and card for her to take". Make it an instruction not a question.

SoVeryLost · 07/11/2019 06:56

@PlanDeRaccordement that’s the most ridiculous statement I’ve heard. She could easily have to spend most if not all of her child support. Most dads do not pay 50% of the costs of bringing up a child so to say everything should come out of child support even activities a child is doing during his time is ridiculous.

Howlovely · 07/11/2019 06:56

The child support he sends you is supposed to cover things like this and you were the one receiving the invitation, so I think you should buy gift and card

Erm, isn't child support supposed to go towards feeding, housing and clothing a child and going to classes/groups? Not buying presents for other children!

Lweji · 07/11/2019 06:58

I wouldn't say anything.
At best a reminder that she needs to take a present and card when he picks her up.

Original poster
ScienceNut · 07/11/2019 07:45

Plan, dd sees Dad for half of every weekend, so far nearly all of these invites have been on a Saturday but this one is a Sunday.

She also stays with him in the week hence he has reduced csa due to this.

OP posts:
Harriett123 · 07/11/2019 07:48

I'm a step mum and if a birthday party falls on our weekend we get the gift.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/11/2019 08:02

Him.

I'm divorced and everything that falls on my ex's weekends, he pays for. He has DS this weekend and will be paying for his swimming lesson on Sunday. And this is on top of maintenance.

If he is paying reduced maintenance that is because he is supposed to cover the cost of things while your child is with him, that's the whole point.

Harriett123 · 07/11/2019 08:08

Also I'm with @Chasingsquirrels.
Send him a screen shot of the invitation. Just on the off chance he has made other plans that day. Then it's up him to sort everything out.
We had 1 DSS missed last year because he wanted to go to the Christmas lights turn on instead.

Original poster
ScienceNut · 07/11/2019 10:26

Thanks all,

I checked he was alright to take her, only occurred to me last night that I may not have to sort card and present.

OP posts:
ActualHornist · 07/11/2019 10:29

I wouldn’t remind him of the present and card. Presumably he’s not a complete idiot and should know these are expected for a child’s birthday party. If he doesn’t do it then a fiver in a card will do.

tweettweetbaby · 07/11/2019 10:40

It should be dad since ur little girl will be with him when going to the party. He's also a parent and should contribute especially when u go most of it anyway. Instead of saying to buy it maybe just a reminder to say don't forget the gift and card