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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I expecting too much from FWB?

35 replies

RollercoasterCoaster · 06/11/2019 21:08

I recently started a fwb thing with someone I’ve known for a couple of years.

I went into this thinking it would be a friends thing as well as the benefits. He only really seems to talk to me when he wants to meet up, is this normal?

Yesterday for example I text asking if we could talk about something that had happened. He didn’t reply until this evening and then said he was busy so didn’t have time to talk.

I’ve never had a fwb before so I don’t know if I’m expecting too much to still want to actually be friends with him? If what he’s doing is normal? Or if he’s treating me badly as soon as he’s got what he wanted?

OP posts:
pixiie2 · 06/11/2019 21:13

In my experience, a FWB is someone who would come round and hang out/shag and stay for breakfast. I didn't stay in contact with him inbetween seeing him. That's the whole point of FWB in my experience - no obligations outside of the moment you're in!

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 06/11/2019 21:15

I'd say that fwb is literally just having someone that you can contact for sex and nothing else. If you want support with life problems or to talk stuff through I think you need to find someone else because the person who enters into a fwb relationships really doesn't want to do that stuff with you. If you are hoping for this to turn into something more I'd get out now because they are making it pretty clear that this isn't going to be that kind of friendship.

MadnessInMethod · 06/11/2019 21:16

I'm sure there must be a forum somewhere out there filled with women who actually enjoy or 'benefit' from FWB/fuck buddy set-ups, but I sure as hell never see any of them on here.

Your FWB obviously wants the B without the F part.

MsPotterPepper · 06/11/2019 21:18

In my experience, a FWB is someone who would come round and hang out/shag and stay for breakfast. I didn't stay in contact with him inbetween seeing him. That's the whole point of FWB in my experience - no obligations outside of the moment you're in!

^ I agree.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/11/2019 21:22

I also agree with @pixiie2

Jollitwiglet · 06/11/2019 21:25

Seems normal to me. I've always gone into it with someone who I just want a regular quick shag and that's it.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 06/11/2019 21:27

Yes, I think that’s normal. Regular contact and support between dates + sex = a boyfriend.

EmmiJay · 06/11/2019 21:28

Thats a fuck buddy. Not a fwb. All my fwb's have been the 'f' no matter what.

LonginesPrime · 06/11/2019 21:28

FWB is usually a euphemism for 'casual shagging partner with no strings attached'.

Usually they're someone who's tolerable to to hang out with before/after sex too, but it's not typically a close friendship where you might call to chat through a problem or check in with them and catch up.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/11/2019 21:31

@MadnessInMethod I'm one of those women. I had one for

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/11/2019 21:31

Ugh posted too soon.

For

GruciusMalfoy · 06/11/2019 21:31

FWB can still have the F bit. He sounds more like a shag buddy...

How would he have reacted to you asking to speak to him about something before you were having sex?

MadnessInMethod · 06/11/2019 21:33

@EmmiJay see, to me a fuck buddy and FWB are the exact same thing... maybe some women feel better calling it a FWB for whatever reason but it's an agreement for casual sex, nothing more.

As a PP pointed out, real friendship, emotional support, regular contact, plus sex is a boyfriend.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/11/2019 21:34

Arghh!

For 4 years. Worked really well as neither of us wanted a relationship.

We are friends actually, it wasn't just sex. I talked to him about stuff going on in my life and vice versa. I ended the "benefits" part a few months ago as it wasn't doing anything for me any more. No hard feelings between us.

Everyone has a different definition of FWB but it sounds like yours isn't interested in chatting much OP! It depends on what you are happy with.

MadnessInMethod · 06/11/2019 21:36

@Waxonwaxoff0 sounds very much like you had a relationship to me.

Spinzy · 06/11/2019 21:38

I did have the friends with benefits with an actual ‘friends, I thought that was the point? I didn’t want to have sex with a stranger or somebody I didn’t trust. I did like him (or I obviously wouldn’t have been friends with him or sleeping with him) and just didn’t want a full relationship with all of responsibility. I wanted to have fun. I was a single parent without much chance of fun. It did evolve into a romantic relationship and we are now married.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/11/2019 21:41

@MadnessInMethod certainly wasn't a relationship, we both dated other people during that time and I only saw him once a month on average.

Itfeelssoreal · 06/11/2019 21:41

My FWB snowballed into a close friend, texting daily and calling lots, then weekends away and then love - over about three months.

Jennifer2r · 06/11/2019 22:53

It doesn't matter if its normal or if everyone else is doing it or if that's what the actual definition is or what any of us think.

If it's making you feel bad stop doing it.

thatguiltyfeeling · 06/11/2019 22:55

I started off as close friends with mine, had known each other 2 or 3 years. We would talk in between, and when we were together we'd talk and hang out for ages before doing anything. It was literally good friends sometimes benefitting from each other being single.

LellyMcKelly · 06/11/2019 23:02

If you were friends beforehand and you contacting him for a chat or to ask questions was something you always did then YANBU. If he was never really a friend and just someone you know then really he’s just a fuck buddy.

timswifey · 07/11/2019 08:45

I entirely agree with what @LonginesPrime has said here.

Situations like @Itfeelssoreal are the exception.

With FWB having any expectations at all sets you up for disappointment. If he's not meeting your expectations it might be time to draw the arrangement to a close. You do NOT want to get emotionally attached to someone who just wants casual sex from you.

timswifey · 07/11/2019 08:47

Ps @RollercoasterCoaster it's disrespectful of him to say he's 'too busy' to talk to you. Might be time to nip this one in the bud. Hope you're ok.

Whattodoabout · 07/11/2019 08:48

I had this arrangement once many moons ago, in a different life almost. We weren’t really friends, more hook-up material. We’d only ever speak when we wanted sex, then we’d meet up and fuck. We never really spoke about personal issues, he wasn’t the sort of person I would turn to for that. We’d have a laugh with one another but that’s as far as it really went, neither of wanted to get attached I think.

FWB usually doesn’t extend to an actual deep and meaningful friendship. It’s usually primarily just about the benefits.

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 08:51

To me, a FwB is a friend you have sex with. The closeness of the friend might vary but there is a friendship independent of the sex you have.

A fuck buddy is someone you just meet for sex with no independent friendship.

By my terms, it sounds like you think of him as a FWB whereas he sees you as a FB.