To stop doing things out of obligation?

[Garlicandherb]

I’ve always tried so hard to be ‘nice’, and I enjoy doing things for other people. But lately I’m starting to get so frustrated with things that cause me stress or energy, that I realise I’m only doing out of obligation, not because I actually want to.
Is anyone else totally over doing stuff for other people out of this inbuilt sense of obligation (guilt ensuing if you don’t do the ‘nice’ or ‘right’ thing)?
For me this includes things like:
Organising the in laws at Christmas (who is going where, cooking for them)
Sending birthday cards and gifts to people who don’t say thank you or reciprocate.
Return play dates, for toddlers who trash the house.
Inviting my siblings to DCs’ birthdays when they don’t invite us for their DCs.
Making effort to maintain friendships with little input from the other person.
Planning all the household meals.

Some obligations I enjoy, and I’ll keep doing those things. But I’m starting to think I need to put myself/DH/DCs first and meet my own needs before other people’s. Do you think people will even notice if I stop doing stuff? Anyone gone obligation cold turkey and found it successful?

You shouldn't do anything if you're going to resent it. That's not doing a favour to either you or the recipient.

I think people in your house will notice if there are suddenly no meals, yes.

I took this approach a couple of years ago. My MIL doesn't really speak to me any more and one of my sisters fell out with me.

I feel much happier though, my immediate family come first and I have much more time for them. I spend time with people that I enjoy the company of and value me. It's done wonders for my mental health.

Read “The art of saying no”

@bridgetreilley hmm you’re probably right. Maybe I need to do more frozen pizzas and takeaways for my own sanity.

@MereDintofPandiculation you’re absolutely right...I can slowly feel the resentment building, something’s probably got to give somewhere!

@GetTheStartyParted thanks for sharing, that’s so interesting to hear - do you miss the relationships that you’ve lost? Was it hard to lose them? It sounds like you’re so much happier, I think that’s what I’m aiming for!

@Sweetdreamer93 thanks for the recommendation, I’ve downloaded it straight away! Bedtime reading tonight!

I've done that but I've had fallout from saying no - one of my siblings no longer speaks to me unless they have to. I'm relieved - our relationship was pretty crap if that was all it took - everything on her terms or else, I'd rather not speak, I thought I'd be more upset. I like planning the household meals though. 😊

Make a list of all the things you do because you actually want to do them and all the things you feel obliged to do. The first list should be longer than the second!

From the ones you said,

Your dh should sort out his own family, not you

Stop trying with people who don't make the effort back including cards, presents, etc.

Don't have badly behaved kids round to your house

Maybe start buying more frozen pizzas

I looked through your list. The only thing on it, that I would do woukd be the meal planning.

Everything else on the list would be a no!

I started to say no to stuff after I realised I had become the only person putting any effort into Christmas.
I now look after present buying for my relations and leave DH to do his. I used to feel guilty that they’d end up with something crap after he’d rush round in Xmas Eve looking for presents but soon got over it as the mental burden lifted. Why should I do all the heavy lifting for his side of the family just because I’m female?

I didn't have much of a relationship with MIL, I was just expected to do things from the beginning. As I started to say no, the contact from her decreased. Other family members have asked why she isn't speaking much to me but she doesn't seem to have a reason.

I miss the relationship that I used to have with my sister but once she had children and they had additional needs, she started to take it for granted that we would help and babysit. She started to ask a lot!

I looked after them when she took one to hospital or doctor appointments, when she had hair and nail appointments, long weekends while her and her OH went away and so on.

She had never looked after my children but I accepted that her situation was different. Then she seemed annoyed when I was unable to help or when I had scheduled a day off for something, she always seemed to have something that coincided with it and wanted my help on those days.

The fall out happened when I asked her for help, she agreed to help and then on that day decided I didn't seem grateful enough so didn't do it. We haven't spoken since, this was 3 months ago and I feel sad about how it ended but something needed to change.

Have you recently turned 40 OP? I have, and this exact realisation hit me. I do so much out of duty that I don’t actually want to do, often for totally self centred people who expect it, because it’s their image of what Christmas or whatever should be like.

I’m going to start being honest that it doesn’t work for us any more!

Life is too short.
There are enough obligations that you really can't avoid - work, going to all your kids school and sport things, the list goes on.

Wasting your time with rude and CF idiots is pointless. I never bother.
It's hard enough finding the time to spend weekends with actual friends, why waste it with people who are not your friends?

Just Konmari your life the way you konmari your wardrobes!

I admit I am not "nice" - instead I am apparently lovely with people close to me, and not bothered with the others.

I don’t do any of things on your list. It would never occur to me to do them. Other than meals needing to be produced, they are all entirely optional, also.

No one makes you do these things, OP. You are the one creating the sense of guilt and obligation. You are free to stop it.

I’ve started trimming back on stuff - for example I work with a few different teams of people all of whom are organising Christmas outings. In the past I would feel obligated to attend these meals, pay for them, drive drunk folk all over town to get them home afterwards (I live a good 25 minutes out of town) and often join in with the Secret Santa stuff. This year I’ve (cheerfully and nicely) declined to attend any of them, thus saving myself a small fortune and much reducing my internal grumblings about being a taxi service, which in turn has made me better disposed to my colleagues.

I’ve started to pretend I don’t understand ‘hints’ - you know the sort of thing, when you end up feeding/looking after/driving around other people’s kids at great personal inconvenience just because someone has indirectly made you feel you should.

The trouble is when people start EXPECTING you to do things, rather than you offering them freely.
Learning to pull back and say no, or not offer is VERY freeing and will make you feel strong and confident and less niggled.
Practice today with something really small and build on that.

Woman are socialised to be kind and nice and friendly and helpful, all of which are ADMIRABLE traits when you are in control of them, and they are not in control of you.

I recommend the book “The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**K” by Sarah Knight.

Great and funny read while being extremely relatable.

Is your husband helping with the planning when it comes to his parents, if not, why?

Returning play dates for parents who can’t control your children, I definitely wouldn’t be doing since it shows they have no respect for you, your things, or your home if they allow their child to trash your home. It would be the first and last time for me.

I used to be like you, trying to please people at detriment to myself but after having children I said f**k it, it’s not worth the energy and was much better afterwards.

I’ve started to pretend I don’t understand ‘hints’
NEVER understand hints, it makes life so much easier! (unless it's a loved one, we are not robots)

I used to be very obliging too. It wore me out.
Learn to say, "No", sometimes. You need to take care of yourself.

Oh dear OP - YANBU.

You appear to have fallen into being a bit of a doormat. I don't do any of those things on your list, aside from planning my own meals, and am very happy as a result.

I think I missed the female socialisation class, since I very rarely do anything I don't want to do. Obviously I have to make dinner and do school runs but I don't organise other people's social arrangements or invite people over that I don't want to see, or get lumbered with looking after other people's kids. It's great and makes things like Christmas so much easier.

I think people on MN sometimes don’t distinguish between “obligation” and “a false sense of obligation”. If someone never reciprocates, you are no longer obligated. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is very empowering to read, thanks all!
@NewAndImprovedNorks I totally agree that women are socialised to take extra stuff on, I’ll try and find a small practice ‘no’ today!

Clearly I’ve just taken on too much and I need to cut back, it’s good to hear from you all, as it almost gives me permission to start doing this without feeling guilty!

@CobaltLoafer I think it was having DS2 that made me feel too overwhelmed to deal with extra unnecessary obligations!!

You’re obviously a lovely person who wants to maintain relationships with people. Unfortunately, some of the people in your life don’t feel the same and are just taking advantage.
Stop all the cards, gifts and play dates for those who don’t reciprocate. I know people shouldn’t give to get but you’re not even getting basic decent manners from it. They don’t care and don’t appreciate you.
So yes, go ahead. Forget them and focus on your own family and those who you do have a good relationship with.

Ignoring the hints is great advice. That's where I started, they don't feel as though they should be as thankful as you 'offered' to do it and you wouldn't offer if you minded

It also gave me the strength to say no to things as once they had to ask outright, you realise how much they actually ask of you.

My DH pointed out how often I was taken for granted and how much time I spent worrying about upsetting or offending someone through saying no or disagreeing with them. He said that it was very unlikely that they worried like I did and it turns out he was right.