To ask how parents of 4+ kids do it?

[YellowsunriseClara]

I had my 3rd DC in April, 3 kids is a lot harder than 2.

Me and DH were discussing the possibility of ever having a fourth.
I then got curious about how larger families (I’m talking 4+ kids) manage day to day, how do you get them all ready in the mornings?
How do you do bedtimes?
How do you budget?
How do you take all the kids on an outing and somehow watch all of them?

I guess I’m contemplating DC4 but it seems like a hell of a lot of hard work, and now I’m curious about the lives of larger families.

Nobody in my family had more than 3 kids so can’t ask them.

I’m just surviving tbh. But then I’m a lone parent so that’s different. I don’t think another one just slots in like people say, not when you get to 4. I find 4 extremely hard and I’m lucky my youngest is in the pram still as I don’t know how I’m going to manage all 4 out and about when she’s no longer in the pram. But my 4 are under 8. I find 4 really tough, 3 wasn’t too bad.

I have four and I find it fairly easy tbh. I’m sure I sound like an arrogant arsehole saying that but I guess I just got lucky, my DC are generally fairly well behaved and easy to manage. I left a six year gap between DC3 and 4 which helped because the eldest three are in school so I just have the baby at home. We definitely got lucky with the baby, he’s incredibly quiet and rarely makes a fuss.

I teach PT and DH works FT so our lives are busy but we make it work. I have a day to day schedule written out in the notes section of my phone so I don’t forget anything.

I have 4 DCs aged 12, 10, 7 and 10mo (same father, in case you were wondering like most people).
It is really hard work, but only because DH works extremely long hours, every day (self-employed tradesman) and DC4 is a nightmare baby who never sleeps on her own. I cannot keep up with housework.

Mornings are OK, bedtimes are harder because the DCs want to spend a little time with DH.
We do not go out a lot because money is scarce. My main regret is not being able to take them swimming because DC3 has epilepsy and would require another adult to supervise her. It is hard finding places that suit a 12-year-old boy, a 7-year-old girl and a baby.

It is also a lot of joy, every day. If I were younger and we had more money, I would have loved another child (or two).

We have 3 and I find it difficult enough. Some things that you've mentioned aren't an issue as ours are well spaced but how do people have head space for 4+ lots of school admin? One teenager is as much as I can cope with
I did find having baby number 3 easier, I didn't doubt myself as I had done previously. So in that respect it must get easier?

I wondered this when I saw a mum with 4 kids in the opticians last week. It was like herding animals as there were 4 of them and 1 of her. There was a family with 3 young ones too so they were arguing over who sat on the chair and low level squabbling which had obviously become their norm.

I used to want more than my 2 but so often now mine are a bit older Im relieved I didnt as I would have found it very difficult.

I do think those that have family help or a good support network will find it a lot easier.

We go out on days out a lot. Half term last week and we were out and about every day. I think it probably helps that my eldest three are past the age of running away and the youngest is in a pram so I don’t need eyes in the back of my head... My eldest three were born in the space of 2.5 years so I had my years of chasing three toddlers around and that was much harder. They all get themselves ready in the morning so there’s no real hassle, we’re almost always on time.

The biggest change for us was needing to upgrade to a seven seater.

oneborneverydecade I recently realised that in a few years, the 4 DCs will be in 4 different schools.

royalchoc we're going to have 3 in 3 schools, I thought that was tricky enough. You might need a personal assistant

I have 4 girls. Ages 10, 8, nearly 5 and 16 months.
It is hard work but not excessively so.
I am a SAHM and DH is the income earner. We have very (deliberately) segregated roles which helps us as each of us is responsible for our own part in managing and supporting the family.
We also have a lot of family support. This is key. My parents are very hands on and will happily babysit and help out. We see them
most days.
As for getting ready in the morning and bedtimes. It’s not terribly difficult. Get as much as you can ready the night before and get everyone up early.
Bedtimes are staggered, the eldest two stay up a bit later. The 4 year old and 16 month old go to bed first.
Going from 2-3 was the hardest transition for me. 3-4 had been a lot easier.
Budgeting is a must but the 3 bigger girls all do extra curricular activities. We are fairly comfortable (small ugly ‘project’ house, cheap holidays) for day to day life.

I anticipate the teenage years to be a lot harder, in every respect! I am already drawing up survival plans!!
But I have no regrets. We are a happy large family.

Parents are louder than all the kids together

5 dc at home.
2 different schools, secondary 3 get a school bus.
Have older ones who have left home so 5 is a breeze !!

Curious, OP, what is it that's driving you for a fourth?

Always really interested in people's reasoning behind the number of children they have (if they get a choice, that is)

With difficulty but It has definitely got easier as they have got older (apart from the constant taxi service). It helped having a large age gap after the 3rd but created other difficulties in trying to please very different age gaps!

Age gaps, personality of children and parents, amount of money and support - all have impacts.

If we'd had less external problems, less moves and even slighly more support, even bit more money we'd have had more. I'm not sorry we stopped when we did though.

I think when you get past 3 dc they do just sort of slot in because they have to. Unless you are very wealthy a 4th onwards it is a tipping point financially; you need a 7 seater, holidays become very expensive (there are never 2 adults 4 children deals ever) and a typical 3 bed house will become very over crowded.

I vividly remember asking this question to a mum of 4 at a toddler group I was at with my 2.
Her response: “Oh it’s all about being really organised. Although sometimes it can be a nightmare...like this morning I just couldn’t get the au pair out of bed for love nor money!”

I have three and so far (touch wood) am not finding it too difficult. It helps that my older two are at school (5 and 4) and are pretty ‘easy’ as far as DC go (they do as they’re told, get themselves ready, don’t tend to argue with each other).
However I think 4 would break me! At the moment I just find the time to spend a decent amount of 1 on 1 time with them all (DH is very hands on so that helps, and will happily take any number/combination at the weekends while I spend 1 on 1 time with another.
One of my best friends has 4. She’s very ‘earth mother’ and revels in the chaos and the multiple activities and the noise. That would not be me!

I have two, and not contemplating a third, let alone a fourth but I think when people do contemplate another child, they are thinking about how a third child would fit into their existing life, which is obviously the right way to go about it.

But (and this may sound obvious!) the more I look around me at people in very different situations to me, the more I realise how much easier it would be to have another if our lives were more like theirs.

For example, DH and I have a one hour commute each way to work each day, and that is if the trains are running to time. Many people work locally, or from home, and have little or no commute. So that is a potential two extra two hours, each, in their days. That can make a huge difference to quality of life, ability to organise, spend time with children one to one etc. You could potentially all eat together, for starters. You could potentially both do the school run. Things like that.

There are many things like this that I ponder about.

You may find that a fourth would fit well into your life.

I’ve spoken to many parents who had 4+ children and some said the baby fitted in other said it was a complete myth.

I agree more children you have more likely you are to hit tipping points - points where childcare costs outweigh second wage or point where holidays are out.

I think that why I'm glad we didn't have another - against our expectations yet another move meant we got a house were all the kids have their own bedroom – which as they’ve got older had help enormously to keep the peace.

Please think about the impact to the environment before you bring yet another person into the world

@ladybee28
I suppose my and DH have always wanted a big family, and as much as I moan. I do quite like how busy it is in the house. It’s never quiet. DH is an only child so I guess that’s his reasoning behind it.

Not sure I could split my attention well between 4 kids, especially when it comes to things like homework and hobbies.

My mum once told me her friend has 5, and she is unbelievably organised. So much so that she even lines up the toothbrushes with toothpaste on ready for the morning!

The 4th was much easier than the 3rd IMO.

They just had to settle into the routine we had, no other choice as we had school, playgroup, toddler groups to do. My DH made packed lunches, I fed the baby, got up, had a shower and then woke the DC. Breakfast, back up for teeth and get dressed and we never had a problem getting to school in time.

The one thing I'd recommend, if you can afford it, is to get a cleaner. I had one for three hours every week and she saved my sanity. When she left when the baby was a year old I didn't bother to get another one as everything was fine by then and I could manage. There's an awful lot of washing though, some days I'd do as many as four loads, with bedding, towels and clothes and I'm not a 'wear it once and wash it' kind of person.

At the moment we are 75% for not having DC4, may change once DC3 is older

Pretty exhausted most of the time but that in part is due to one non sleeping child with additional needs. It's all just increased volume... More laundry, more food shopping, more after school activities. Five lots of homework, five lots of parties, play dates and taxi services! All in all its lovely but I do find the logistics tricky and it is hard work.

@UOkhun77
Could you elaborate?