To ask how parents of 4+ kids do it?

[YellowsunriseClara]

I had my 3rd DC in April, 3 kids is a lot harder than 2.

Me and DH were discussing the possibility of ever having a fourth.
I then got curious about how larger families (I’m talking 4+ kids) manage day to day, how do you get them all ready in the mornings?
How do you do bedtimes?
How do you budget?
How do you take all the kids on an outing and somehow watch all of them?

I guess I’m contemplating DC4 but it seems like a hell of a lot of hard work, and now I’m curious about the lives of larger families.

Nobody in my family had more than 3 kids so can’t ask them.

YellowSunrise Seriously, you’re not aware of the issues? Ok...

More people = another carbon footprint, more waste, cars, emissions, greater food requirements using more water, more housing needed using limited natural resources, I could go on.

This is not a contentious issue, there is a huge amount of evidence. The planet is suffocating under overpopulation and a child born into a Western lifestyle will have the biggest impact.

I have three and as they get older it is not the logistics that are the problem, it's the spending enough time with each of them. When you get back at 6pm from multiple after-school activities and then have to fit in music practice, homework, emotional support, then also adding in cooking, washing, tidying up (oh god, tidying up), THAT is the kicker. I sometimes wonder about whether people who have 4+ kids saying 'ah it's easy, you just have to be organised' haven't yet reached the stage where you have one needing homework help, one worrying you sick because they aren't back from where they are supposed to be in time, and one needing a desperately urgent chat about an argument with a friend.

btw in the haze of early DC3 babyhood, I briefly pondered a 4th. There is NO WAY IN HELL I'd contemplate more now, in fact that door has been firmly snipped .

I have 5 one left to uni I'm a loan parent as my husband died I find the ages of mine easier 15,12 and 4,2
I have time for all of them it's a very busy happy household

It depends on a number of very unique factors. Personalities of the children - whether they're full-on or easy going, whether they're sleepers or night-owls, what you're marriage is like, i.e. whether you're supportive of each other, and also, it depends a lot on you as a personality. People find their fit but it's different for each family. Some people love having loads of kids around them and some prefer a smaller family. I think to be honest, you know when you're not done, and you definitely know when you are done. It's just a feeling that can't be doubted. I've had two children, and I have no desire to have any more. I'm "done." But before the birth of DC2 I didn't feel like the family was finished. I just knew there was another one in there. If you're pondering whether or not to add to your brood, I would probably say you're not "done!" When you are done, that question doesn't raise it's head.

I was a child from a large family and I do not look back on my childhood fondly. I never spent one on one time with either parent and felt like a constant burden. So I suppose you just have to factor in money, time and how much energy you have to give your children.

We have 4 and as awful and ungrateful I may sound, I honestly wish I could go back and re think the last whether its because she was a difficult, pregnancy and birth and then an even more difficult baby to the point where we look back and think holy shit how on earth did we survive that and now although a very kind, funny and loving 4 year old she is still very hard I think this is just her personality now.

The effect the last 4 years has had is evident in our family and I think I would have been a much better mum to the 3, now we are just surviving everything is effort and i hate feeling we are just getting through each day.

Really sad really all 4 of my children are absolutely incredible in there own way just a bit shit that it feels so crap on a daily basis. Really think about your decision before you go for it xxx

We didn’t plan 4, we planned 3 but...she’s almost 3 now when she was born my elder ones were 4 years, 3 years and 20 months. Organisation on the some part, chaos in others. We already had the 7 seater because 3 car seats wouldn’t fit in most standard 5 seaters, our house whilst not massive (normal 3 bed end terrace) fits fine atm, (will most likely move once reaching teenage years) 3 girls in the biggest room, 1 boy in the smallest, us in the middle and plenty of storage created. We had no family support with 1 so that didn’t change, very strange now the youngest has started nursery 2 mornings a week. The first time in a very long time without a child or 2 always with me

We have 3 and never even contemplated a 4th. I felt complete but also very overwhelmed since number 3 was born, and he was a dream baby who fed and slept well. It was just that there were 3 of them

It's not the day to day running a home with 3 children (although that too), but the emotional work and toll of being responsible for 3 people (5, including dh & I) that exhausts me.

Also, and I don't mean to offend anyone - but I have quite a few friends with 4+, and it just looks like chaos. The mums seem tired and stressed, the houses are cluttered with too much 'stuff'.
I'm aware that I have 3 and that people with 1&2 probably think the same about families with 3 !! Everyone has their own limit

Hmm. We have four (with no nearby family) and love it. 2 to 3 was much harder than 3 to 4 but #3 is just that kind of child ... and our age gaps meant that doing the primary school run with a newborn didn't leave a lot of time for napping. We have a 2 + 2 model so 2.5 year gap between 1 & 2 and 3 & 4 but a 5 year gap between 2 & 3. The batching has brought more benefits than not. It's hard work but tbh that's what I signed up for - 2 felt easy, neat and tidy, a bit perfect. We have organised chaos and it's fab. They are wildly different in personality and apparently like each other :) I have made a point of finishing at 3pm since #1 so that I am home when they are home; I make myself available to them and generally make a point of doing a something with them as individuals probably monthly. We deliberately wanted an even number to prevent there being an odd one out at any one time and it has (largely) worked. We observed friends and analysed their sibling set-up and concluded that the nicest, kindest, most generous, thoughtful, laid-back happy friends were those who were one of four. You grow up learning a lot of give and take. It has to be said, though, we earn a not insignificant amount and that probably helps (though not enough for a nanny!).

I have four and found the transition from 1 - 2 much much harder than the transition from 2 - 4.
I think it’s because my standards are already rock bottom and we have a solid routine in place. I’m a SAHM and, like PP, my husband and I separate out what we do.
We have great fun, my children and I. We spend a lot of time playing outside of the house and I recently got rid of the iPad so no more tv except on very special occasions.

I consider our carbon footprint to be really low as we often eat vegetarian, although not as often as I would like. I cook from scratch, although I cannot afford organic I buy higher welfare meat, we’ve recently cut down.
We don’t fly, we recycle, I’m trying to cut single use plastic out but that’s tricky with children who love frubes etc.

@UOkhun77 you have a very one sided argument going on. Scotland needs more people than it has. Do you understand how NI works? Your NI doesn’t go into a savings pot for your use, we need to keep the population at least static or the money runs out.

But keep rolling out the ‘big families are killing the planet’ line if you must.

I have three and do think about having a forth. Reason being only one child is 'mine'. The other two are my niece and nephew who live with us permanently. I keep thinking of having another child of my own but it just seems silly. We are happy as we are but it is sometimes in the back of my mind.

If I did I would wait until they are all a bit older. 6,4 and 3 at the moment and I have my hands full.

Middledistancerunner Isn’t it rather shortsighted to think that the only solution to that issue is for people to have the number of children that would maintain the population despite overwhelming evidence that life for those children may be significantly worse than ours due to environmental changes? What an ignorant and defensive stance.

Have double the number of children to maintain the population, I mean.

To make it doable/enjoyable I think you need to have:

Hands on family support very close by that are willing to really help and muck in.
Be financially comfortable, it is better to provide a good standard of living for the children already here.
Be aware that parenting gets much harder the older children get, especially into their teens. The sleepless nights with babies and toddlers really is the easy part. I did not know that how true that old saying was until I got to it.
What would happen if the baby or another child developed or was born with a disability. Could you cope?
Do you have time for all four children
Can you live with mess and noise 247
Is dh going to be around to help with so many homework assignments, party runs, sickness bugs and all the rest.
Parenting is a slog, and making it even harder must be considered.

If you have a very close family network, well paid secure work and are young enough to cope with what is to come in the teen years then why not.

I find it fairly easy in most ways with my 4, I do think having 1&2 and then 8 years before having 3&4 was a good thing though. These first few years of the youngest ones have been tough because they've been very difficult babies/toddlers. Now they're both starting childcare I'm feeling more balanced. I am a single parent as well.

I was 1 of 5. There was me and my brother and then 10 years later, along came 3 more in very quick succession. I definitely felt as though my brother and I were overlooked and not much emotional effort was put into us.

Ime going from 3-4 was easier than going 2-3...
10 - 11 was a breeze!!

Have 2 boys 2 girls. All grown now. Incredibly difficult as I raised them alone their father passed away. Have family but noone helped. Structure, discipline, and lots of love. Cleaning constantly I never sat down when not working. I'm exhausted now.