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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you have ever cut off from family members?

62 replies

Darkbloom · 05/11/2019 10:17

I have... I can state why if there's interest but I just want to know if I'm not the only one and your experiences?

It's been a couple of months now and I feel quite strong in myself for cutting them off but I still think about them every day.

OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 05/11/2019 12:21

I cut off my nieces and nephews as they were total wasters and just dragging everyone down, I have limited contact with my siblings too as they are abroad, it doesn’t bother me as we never Close anyway due to a big difference in ages.
Life is precious so just live it and forget the others you don’t need.

roisinagusniamh · 05/11/2019 12:23

Exactly!
When my toxic aunts became to aim their negative comments at my children I knew I would take no more.

Grumpos · 05/11/2019 12:30

I have a toxic sibling who I refuse to have in my life, they are simply not a good person.
Although I do feel pity and empathy for them in theory, I cannot have someone like that around me- lies, manipulation, theft and many many other horrible things.

I wouldn’t allow a colleague, friend or partner to act the way they did to me and other family members, so I went NC about a decade ago. They occasionally pop up but I do not engage. I wish it were different but it’s not, you have to put your own mental health and happiness first in these situations

anniemac1 · 05/11/2019 12:30

@NationMcKinley. bless your heart what a kind responsexx

TheTrollFairy · 05/11/2019 12:31

I have and I don’t have a single regret doing it. The people I cut out of my life were toxic and abusive.
When I had my DD a few years ago it reconfirmed that I was doing the right thing. Of course part of me is sad that I don’t have them in my life and if I could have it my way they would be in my life as normal people. Sadly, they do not see the abuse they have given out as anything bad and they will continue to be abusive and selfish.
I don’t wish them harm but I also don’t wish them in my life either.

Kanga83 · 05/11/2019 12:32

I cut my dad, his wife and their son out years ago, along with his entire family. I didn't even acknowledge his text when my paternal grandparents died. My husband has cut off one brother (who can do no wrong where MIL is concerned). Is very LC with MIL and FIL (they always visit BIL but haven't seen us or our kids in three years through their choice). I'm LC with my aunt and NC with my cousins. The only link is she sends my kids birthday and Christmas presents which I've asked her not to do as my kids don't know her.

Dandelion1993 · 05/11/2019 12:41

6 years ago I decided I wanted nothing to do with my dad's family and have had nothing since.

They always treated my mum like crap growing up and as we got older, I realised that we were there for them to boast to. Everything was about our cousins and how fab they were.

When my dd was born, they were still bitching about my mum and I decided I didn't want my dd to grow up around all that so cut them off completely.

Dd is now 6, I have dd2 (8 months) and much happier without them

EerieSilence · 05/11/2019 12:47

I cut off my not so DF and Aunt. Took me years to loosen the strings but eventually I made a clear cut and I feel much happier. I don’t get those attacks of resentment anymore, I can think of them and feel nothing bar pity that they deprived themselves of their family through their actions.

anniemac1 · 05/11/2019 12:47

@priceofprogress. As you have been may i express my concern that I will just cry all the time. I just hate that i break down. I dont want to waste anyones time by being pathetic.

Agingdisgracefully · 05/11/2019 12:54

@anniemac1 I typed out everything I wanted to say and handed it over as I knew I would be unable to speak

StormBaby · 05/11/2019 13:00

My dad decided he couldn't really be bothered years ago. I made all the effort. I popped in to see him on father's day 8 years ago and got the distinct impression they didn't want me there so I just... stopped. Then I heard that my stepmum died(I was extremely close to her) and he'd not bothered to invite me to the funeral. That was unforgivable to me. My mum died 3.5 years ago, his sister told him, and he didn't check to see how I was. He then sold his house 3 years ago and nobody knows where he is.

anniemac1 · 05/11/2019 13:01

@Agingdisgracefully. Thank you for the info. Did it help you find some closure. Thats what I,m hoping for.

MzHz · 05/11/2019 13:19

I was in therapy already when my mother moved. Let me tell you her just doing that to me was WAAAAY more painful than overcoming the abuse id suffered at the hands of the ex, I was glad I had someone to talk to, yes there were a lot of tears, and if id have known about the group there would have been floods - but everyone would have understood love, those of us in this boat know how it hurts. tears are ok, sometimes we need to let them out.

scaryteacher · 05/11/2019 13:22

We are NC with dh's Mum except via solicitors. it's been 7 or 8 years now, and we don't miss her...and sadly, neither do her adult grandchildren.

mistermagpie · 05/11/2019 13:30

I haven't spoken to or seen my parents and brother for six years. They weren't invited to my wedding, have never met my children and don't know where I live.

Every good thing that has ever happened to me has happened in the last six years.

mindutopia · 05/11/2019 13:38

Yes, I don't speak to any of my biological family except my mum. My dad is dead, but I have plenty of aunts, uncles, cousins and a half brother. I do get a card or something from one aunt every few years, but otherwise haven't talked to any of the others in about 20 years. No regrets. It's not that they are awful (well, my half brother is, which became obviously after my dad died, he was a nightmare to deal with), but I have absolutely nothing in common with any of them. I just wouldn't have anything to say to them, and there are no strong emotional ties from my childhood, so quite happy to save myself the hassle.

We also went NC with MIL and her partner for several years (still NC with her partner). It was much harder, because we did have a relationship with them as did our oldest dc. We do have minimal contact with MIL now, and that's fine, but all supervised in terms of our dc. I don't love it, but I can just about tolerate it a few times a year. The reason for NC was that her partner (who she has stood by) has a history of sexual offenses against children. We obviously have nothing to do with him, neither of us will even be in the same room with him. It took a long time to sort out any sort of relationship with MIL (and frankly, I could have happily carried on in life without her), but going NC was beneficial overall. It forced her to sort herself out to a degree. When our dc are older, we will explain about her partner and why we made the decisions we did, and they can make their own decisions about if they want to continue a relationship with her. They are never allowed at her house though and that won't change no matter what, unless they are adults and can decide that for themselves (hoping he'll be dead by then anyway).

decisionsindecisions · 05/11/2019 13:41

My mother is a manipulative liar. I cut off from her six years ago and I don't really think about her any longer. My DS (who is now 15) used to see a lot of her and I let him make his own decisions about this because I knew if I didn't then she would use it against me. Two years ago she started being vile to him as well. So he doesn't really talk to her now, other than the odd text message.

But no doubt none of this is her fault. She will be the blameless victim as she always has been. I no longer care what she thinks.

GrandmaMazur · 05/11/2019 13:58

I have recently gone LC with my sister. It took me a long time to decide to do so and wasn't a decision I made lightly but it has benefited my mental health no end not having to deal with her constant dramas and lies. But - I do miss her 'nice' side, think about her every day and feel like I'm grieving - I wish things could be different but she isn't going to change and I have to do what's best for me and my family.

It (she) has since caused dramas with some family members who would like to help us 'reconcile'. They don't know what she's really like though as she's so manipulative and they haven't experienced the way she's treated me for years. I've had to fight my natural instinct to want to defend myself and explain what she's done as they either wouldn't believe me or wouldn't understand. I have to remind myself sometimes that I know what she's done (and would do if I get in touch again) and that's enough.

GrandmaMazur · 05/11/2019 13:58

I hadn't heard of StandAlone either - will look them up. Thank you

CSIblonde · 05/11/2019 14:29

I cut my mother off after years of emotional abuse, manipulation & her total contempt for me. She told me I'd "always been a millstone round her neck" :after I found her birth mother for her, supported her through my Dad's terminal cancer, found her a job, viewed endless houses with her as she decided she'd move etc etc. As soon as she'd got a boyfriend I was surplus to requirements. I haven't regretted it once

biggles50 · 05/11/2019 14:47

I have very low contact with one of my brothers. We were so close when we were young and I loved him a lot. His wife, from the very beginning made it clear that I was not to be a part of their life. My brother does as he's told by her and is as cold as she is now.
She only cares for her family and stupidly and desperately I tried over the years to be included. It was never going to happen and I was cut off from them for a number of years. I made myself ill with the worry, hurt and stress of the exclusion. My brother gave me a flimsy excuse and apology (only because we were going to a relative's funeral) and presumably he didn't want to be seen to be ignoring me.
The rejection cut me so deeply and recently I saw happy pics of them on social media at their son's wedding. I knew nothing of it but my brother was there smiling away with none of his siblings, just hers. Fortunately now I'm over it, if he messages me I'll respond, but there's no warmth from me or pathetic gratitude as there once was. My adult children have told me that they're just dicks and that's where I am now. My other siblings and I are all close and as one of them said only if our sil predeceases my brother will we ever see him again.

LLMD · 05/11/2019 14:47

I cut my mother off about 8 years ago. She was a really negative energy in my life.

She emotionally and verbally abused myself and my brother for years. She stole money from us and every family member she has. She still tries to get loans in my name now. Most recently in May I spotted an attempt on my credit report.
She lied about being raped, being pregnant and having cancer and was just a huge strain on my life.

It’s been 8 years and I am 100% confident the decision to cut contact was the right one.

I recently had my first DC (3 months ago). I had an awful pregnancy and a very traumatic birth experience and I wished I had a mother figure to turn to during that time. Not her though, just wish I had a different mum.

If anything it’s taught me what kind of parent NOT to be with my new DC.

Grobagsforever · 05/11/2019 14:52

Cut dad, step mother and a couple of years later their son ( my half brother) after they were completely unsupportive when DH died (I was pregnant at the time FFS).

No regrets. Barely think about it. I am lucky to have many friends 'family of choice' and don't believe ppl get to be in your life by virtue of blood alone,

I am also very low contact with many extended family because my friends mean more to me and there are only so many hours in the day. I believe in choosing your ppl.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 05/11/2019 15:21

I haven’t spoken to my father in 11 years now, I walked away when I was 14. My parents divorced when I was 11, and he remained the same vile abusive man he always had been. Don’t know why I thought things may have changed but 11 year olds can be rather optimistic. Best thing I ever did.

GuyFawkesDay · 05/11/2019 15:29

I'm trying to do this with "D"B. Convicted sex abuser.

However due to this he now lives with parents. Pretty sure they're not entirely happy about it but there's no other place for him.

I'd like to never talk to him or see him again but I am stuck between the devil and the deep blue see.

My DC can only see their grandparents at our house or if by some miracle he moves out. I refuse to let them be there when he is, I don't trust him one bit.

I think I might need the stately homes thread Sad