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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL and kids dad

32 replies

nobodyreallycares · 05/11/2019 09:56

A few years ago I stopped contact with myself and my 2 children with MIL and there dads family. At the time I only had DD my DS came 12 months later. DDs dad would take her out occasionally on his own. A lot on here will say I was out of order doing this it was down to various reasons but definitely the best decision at the time. Don't want to go into too much why but just imagine controlling and interfering on a wide scale, including having her son do a DNA test on DD because she had red hair, I ended our relationship because I couldn't take the way she was. It was like she was the one in a relationship with him as strange as that sounds. There was a lot of stuff not just that but don't want to go back into it. After 18 months I allowed her back into mine and my children's lives as long as all the shit she was causing before stopped!

This is the problem right here... Saturday we take the kids to a play centre he invites MIL along and she says, I remember coming here with XYZ (partner and my DD) I have a picture on my phone look she then whips her phone out to show me this photo and straight away the penny drops, the times he was taking her out he was taking her to his moms. Now we patched things up almost 2 years ago but this has never been mentioned, my DD was far to young to talk at this time. I feel really really annoyed, not so much the fact he did that because we are now on speaking terms more so the fact she has made me feel bad and guilty she had no contact for 18 months to find out she actually did!
Do you think it's the past and it should be left there or do I confront my children's dad and ask why he went behind my back after the shit she caused.

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 05/11/2019 10:15

If you’re on good terms now no point bringing up old feuds. As long as her involvement in your DD life is not damaging just let it go. I can see why you are annoyed though Op!

Limensoda · 05/11/2019 10:18

Your ex should have told you he was letting his mother see your DD. Honesty is important in these circumstances, however, he must have thought you were being unreasonable and wanted his DD to know his mother.
Seeing as his mother and you have sorted out contact, I wouldn't make too big a fuss. I would talk to him about it though....without arguing.

nobodyreallycares · 05/11/2019 10:29

Yeah we're on good terms now I just don't no why she would even bring it up and show me a photo to show that she was clearly having contact which leads me to then think she is going back to her old tricks.

I will leave it where it is for now and time will tell

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 05/11/2019 10:32

She is trying to cause trouble I would warn there dad tell him it doesnt bother you what he did (even though it does) it bothers you that she is causing trouble again

Apart from that I would do nothing just watch and see

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/11/2019 10:36

I would be off the scale angry and upset that he had done this OP .Presumably he saw how upset you were with MIL and what you went through yet still he carried on regardless and then shit on you from a great height.He has handled it all wrong.He could have been open and honest and said fine darling but I am going and I am taking baby...you then would have had a choice to accept his decision happily or live with it but it would all have been above board. I would be having a word not with MIL but with him for being an absolute spineless conniving twat,He knew all along what he was doing but it slipped his mind to tell you..yeah right....his bollocks would be on a plate if he was my husband and treated me like that.I dont always agree with mine but its out there and honest and you can always deal with the truth even if you dont like it,,you had no choice thanks to your husband,

bluetue · 05/11/2019 10:39

She is trying to cause trouble for the two of you agai

nobodyreallycares · 05/11/2019 10:40

Yes as the days have gone by I am growing more angry about it. She knew exactly what she was causing showing me the photo and making the comment. Our relationship broke down for a long time because of her constantly being in his ear and just acting jealous of our relationship, if he brought me an expensive gift for Christmas just anything in general. I wasn't being unreasonable in stopping the contact it was best. She was constantly slagging me off to her sons wife about me as a mom, my family, me as her sons girlfriend that I didn't do his lunch for work... he's a grown man. I feel completely betrayed that he would do this behind my back knowing how strongly I felt and why almost 2 years after contact resumed she now drops it out... her games are starting again

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 05/11/2019 10:44

She's sounds like a complete arse OP.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/11/2019 10:46

Its not her games you should be worrying about OP you know what she is like,,,you have control there in that you can refuse to play the games but its your partner who has shafted you here not her.When he went out all those times and you must have said have you had a nice time today what have you been up to did he ever once tell you he had taken the little one to his mums? I bet he didnt....he might be lying by ommission in not saying anything to you but lying is lying ...you are angry at the wrong person here its not MIL s fault its his ...he did all that behind your back and he knew all along you wouldnt like it but he still did it.

DonKeyshot · 05/11/2019 10:47

Keep your temper in check and watch and wait, OP. If she's up to her old tricks she won't be able to resist getting at you again in the very near future.

savingshoes · 05/11/2019 10:51

"Just a word of warning; if you choose to separate from my son again, it will not affect my relationship with my grandchildren - he will still make sure I see them, just like last time; here is the photographic evidence. I'm still totally in control" that's what I interpreted her showing that photo was about.
I would be livid.

nobodyreallycares · 05/11/2019 10:56

Yeah course I did it was always oh just went into town or went to the park. Never in a million years did I think he would of done that. I'm really quite pissed he did this I just don't want to cause a row over it because it's been and gone now but I've only just found out. It's a hard one because there defence will certainly be 'well what does it matter now?' Or they will of already rehearsed an excuse that she got it mixed up and he had sent her that photo and it wasn't DD she took it was another of her GC I can just hear them

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/11/2019 10:57

saving shoes....yes.. spot on! and she is right is the MIL ,,cos her son totally and willingly made it happen.He gave her the power to say it.,do it and mean it ...over his wife,

nobodyreallycares · 05/11/2019 11:07

Should mothers come first? I think I should personally as the mom of his kids and not wife but sounds weird saying girlfriend 😂 however she thinks different and clearly so does he

OP posts:
Drabarni · 05/11/2019 11:36

It's the dh you want to cut contact with, someone who can lie like that isn't worth knowing, my love.

nobodyreallycares · 05/11/2019 11:39

Would you bring the subject up or forget about it?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 05/11/2019 11:46

I think you need to accept that he won't cut contact with his Mother and he wants his children to have contact with their family.

It's your reaction to this that will damage your relationship, not her actions.

You could split with him, then his Mother gets unsupervised access to your children.

He shouldn't have lied, but would you have seen it from his POV?

Ponoka7 · 05/11/2019 11:46

You need to forget about it and stop referring to them as 'their Dad's family', they are your children's family.

nobodyreallycares · 05/11/2019 11:48

At that time I wouldn't of in anyway accepted this because of all the shit she had done, caused and said. I don't see how him doing it behind my back and her bringing it up years later knowing I now know he was going behind my back has helped matters. Why even mention it in the first place

OP posts:
nobodyreallycares · 05/11/2019 11:49

I referred to them in this way so people know I am on about his side of the family and not mineConfused

OP posts:
nobodyreallycares · 05/11/2019 11:51

@Ponoka7 did you Mis read something here? Your making out like this is in some way my fault?

OP posts:
HaileySherman · 05/11/2019 12:10

I understand not wanting to beat a dead horse, so if you think mentioning it will only lead to an argument, then I would not blame you for not mentioning it. But....this is something I would never forget. You can forgive if you need to, but always remember that when you put your foot down about something with regards to your child, he not only didn't respect it, he was cowardly about it and went behind your back. In doing that he not only disrespected you, he disrespected you AND basically told his mother she had carte blanche in her treatment of you, aa far as he was concerned. That's something I would have a hard time getting past.

NancyJoan · 05/11/2019 12:19

OP, can you clarify, is your kids' dad also your current partner, or is he now an ex?

ChicCroissant · 05/11/2019 12:24

Do you mean that you separated from the father of your children, and during his access time he took them out with his mother? Are you with him now or not, OP?

sashab1 · 05/11/2019 12:26

I'd be annoyed but I would probably just leave it. I'd probably mention to him that I was aware of it though.

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