What is wrong with me?

[Bubbleworks]

NC and shamelessly posting on AIBU for traffic.

What is wrong with me? Is it low self esteem? Or something else? Please can you help me identify it so I can start working on it?

I don’t have great success in romantic relationships. I have had a few different types of relationship over the last 23 years. They tend to follow one of these patterns:

1. Meet a guy, think he’s fairly attractive but he turns out to be a dominant, controlling and slightly scary person who I spend a long time trying to get out of a relationship with but am afraid go it alone or be the bad person causing him heartache.
2. I’m friends with a guy for months and fall head over heels for him over a long period of time (months). There’s a reason we can’t be together (medical problems, another partner, age gap) and it becomes intensely painful that I can’t be with him.

I also seem to have a type which is slightly arrogant, emotionally cool, highly rational, very intelligent, etc.

I end up getting myself into situations that my other female friends just wouldn’t tolerate. For example, one of my boyfriends went on TV and said he was single and I didn’t dump him because I felt like I understood why he did it.

Another guy I went round to his house to surprise him and we ended up having some fun despite him telling me he was going to get back with his ex the next day.

Another guy, I have been in a kind of secret relationship with for a year. He throws me breadcrumbs and I take them because I have never felt this kind of connection with a guy in my life before.

But on the other hand, I do think that I’m worthy of love. I felt totally worthy of any of those guy’s love. I think that I’m physically attractive. I know that I’m intelligent. I’m kind, gentle. I think I’m an interesting person. I REALLY like myself and my values. So can it be low self esteem if I think I’m alright?? What is it? It needs to stop as all that happens is heartbreak after heartbreak and I’m so sick of it.

Thanks.

I think you really need to work on asserting your own healthy boundaries. Probably best to stay away from men for a while too.

Thanks. So saying what I want? I don’t think I have ever done that.

I honestly think in this situation, its wose to take time for yourself and think about what it is you want for your life. Many intelligent women can get blind sided by men who promise them this or that and dont deliver. I did and I left that relationship behind and it has been the making of me. I know what I want out of life and wont be prepared to put up with scraps again.

So in short, yes absolutely think about what you want. Take some time for yourself to figure it out. If you meet someone and they dont make you feel fulfilled, dont be afraid to ditch them.

Wise*

It sounds as if you go for emotionally unavailable men who have nothing to offer you. Maybe because you yourself are emotionally unavailable and afraid of intimacy. Your behaviour and thought processes sound quite codependent; in that you end up taking care of the others' feelings to the detriment of your own.
Accepting crumbs and bad behaviour indicates a low self worth and a not having a strong sense of self.
The fear of being alone, to the extent that you accept being treated with disrespect, is perhaps a fear of abandonment.
I don't know if any of this chimes with you, I'm just going from what you've written.
Something within you is drawn to these emotionally unavailable men who will just take what they want and treat you like an object to be used.

I honestly think in this situation, its wise to take time for yourself and think about what it is you want for your life.
I have a very happy and fulfilling life. Great job, great friends, great family. I’m healthy and solvent. I get to live my life by my values and have no complaints. I would just like to have a partner who I love who I can spend quality time with.

Maybe because you yourself are emotionally unavailable and afraid of intimacy.
I’m not sure about this. In some ways I would agree because I have a fear of being controlled but I actually have a strong desire for intimacy with these emotionally cool men.
Maybe my type will just never meet my emotional needs

Accepting crumbs and bad behaviour indicates a low self worth and a not having a strong sense of self.
I would agree in theory but I really value myself and like myself.

Is it the challenge op? You know they aren't that into you, so you keep going with them because your ego is dented and it becomes important to you to make them want you?

It’s not the challenge because they seem equally keen in the beginning. I think the problem is that I put up with bad behaviour. Partly because I like them so much and don’t want to lose them and partly because I have really high levels of empathy so can put myself in their position and understand why they do what they do.

I’m also very chilled out and hate confrontation which makes matters worse. I wonder if some guys do what they can get away with and I let them get away with more than I should. What do you think?

I think you need to stop thinking of it as "letting him get away with it"

The bottom line is: is this relationship making me happy? If not, I will end it.

The fact that the man who scares you will have a bruised heart is not the issue. Whether he deserves it for scaring you is not the issue. The issue is that he scares you so you don't want the relationship.

You aren't punishing him.

Well what you think is what's important, not what anyone else thinks but to be honest, you're kinda bigging youtself up there as a way to justify being needy and clinging on with your finger nails.

If it's not the challenge then it seems to be a neediness, like you can't accept they don't like you as much as you thought, so you hang on in there and let them treat you badly.

It's not empathy to understand why someone treats you badly and let them. It's hard for anyone to guess why you let men treat you badly, and don't respect yourself enough to walk away.

😟

I’m not sure about this. In some ways I would agree because I have a fear of being controlled but I actually have a strong desire for intimacy with these emotionally cool men.
Maybe my type will just never meet my emotional needs

Feeling a strong desire for intimacy with emotionally unavailable men doesn't mean that you don't also have a fear of true intimacy. What might it be like to be involved with someone who was available? Who could reciprocate your feelings? Who could meet your needs?
You say you desire intimacy and yet look for it from men who can't or won't give it to you.

You are very contradictory. You say you value and like yourself and yet you are prepared to let yourself be treated badly because you are scared to lose the man. Why? What is it that you think they are giving you that is so amazing that makes it worth it?
Having high levels of empathy doesn't mean you can't have any boundaries. Understanding why someone behaves badly doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
You say you are chilled and don't like confrontation but I wonder if you are fearful of putting a line in the sand, asserting your needs and wants because then they might not give a fuck and walk away.
These men kind of sound like tosspots who don't really care about you or what you want, whilst you put yourself on a plate for them?
Just because you have a job you love, friends you love, a full life etc...it doesn't also mean that you don't have issues with relationships or the kind of men you are choosing to get involved with.

The bottom line is: is this relationship making me happy? If not, I will end it.
I think there are great highs which make the moderate lows worth it. Or so it seems. Maybe it’s not worth it or I wouldn’t have posted.

If it's not the challenge then it seems to be a neediness, like you can't accept they don't like you as much as you thought, so you hang on in there and let them treat you badly.
I know that it might sound ridiculous but I’m not sure whether I know how I’m supposed to be treated. I didn’t have any relationships to model myself on while growing up. The only guide I have is to treat others how I would want to be treated. So I guess I should expect people to treat me the way that I treat them. However, from a young age I have always been described by others as particularly kind and thoughtful so I don’t expect people to be as extreme as me.

Feeling a strong desire for intimacy with emotionally unavailable men doesn't mean that you don't also have a fear of true intimacy.
I think I do have a fear of intimacy with someone I don’t love or fancy. I think that I desire intimacy with several of these emotionally distant men but it has never materialised so I don’t know.

Although having said that. I did end up having relationships with two men who I had been very attracted to and in a long term flirtation with and I ended up finding both of them very boring and I broke up with them.

What is it that you think they are giving you that is so amazing that makes it worth it?
Well with my latest guy it’s:

• he really listens to me unlike any other man I have ever met.
• I’m more sexually attracted to him than I have ever been about anyone.
• we have so much in common it’s like meeting my twin
• I get a huge high from our interactions

You say you are chilled and don't like confrontation but I wonder if you are fearful of putting a line in the sand, asserting your needs and wants because then they might not give a fuck and walk away.
Yes this is definitely true. How do I stop that?

Just because you have a job you love, friends you love, a full life etc...it doesn't also mean that you don't have issues with relationships or the kind of men you are choosing to get involved with.
I know.

can put myself in their position and understand why they do what they do.

• Why is he giving me crumbs?
• Because he really couldn't care less about me.

So, having understood that why keep him around?

The guy who gave me crumbs was already in a relationship with the mother of his child. He said he was in love with me (nothing physical ever happened) but could never leave his child. I understood that his child should come first but we couldn’t bear to cut contact for a long time.

The other guy who gave me crumbs who went on TV and said he was single...
I was his first girlfriend. He was trying to look cool. He persuaded me that it had nothing to do with his feelings for me. He said that they told him to say it. I was so in love with him that I chose to believe him. He eventually cheated on me.

You don't sound like you have very happy life . Or respect yourself much

You sound desperate