What is wrong with me?

[Bubbleworks]

NC and shamelessly posting on AIBU for traffic.

What is wrong with me? Is it low self esteem? Or something else? Please can you help me identify it so I can start working on it?

I don’t have great success in romantic relationships. I have had a few different types of relationship over the last 23 years. They tend to follow one of these patterns:

1. Meet a guy, think he’s fairly attractive but he turns out to be a dominant, controlling and slightly scary person who I spend a long time trying to get out of a relationship with but am afraid go it alone or be the bad person causing him heartache.
2. I’m friends with a guy for months and fall head over heels for him over a long period of time (months). There’s a reason we can’t be together (medical problems, another partner, age gap) and it becomes intensely painful that I can’t be with him.

I also seem to have a type which is slightly arrogant, emotionally cool, highly rational, very intelligent, etc.

I end up getting myself into situations that my other female friends just wouldn’t tolerate. For example, one of my boyfriends went on TV and said he was single and I didn’t dump him because I felt like I understood why he did it.

Another guy I went round to his house to surprise him and we ended up having some fun despite him telling me he was going to get back with his ex the next day.

Another guy, I have been in a kind of secret relationship with for a year. He throws me breadcrumbs and I take them because I have never felt this kind of connection with a guy in my life before.

But on the other hand, I do think that I’m worthy of love. I felt totally worthy of any of those guy’s love. I think that I’m physically attractive. I know that I’m intelligent. I’m kind, gentle. I think I’m an interesting person. I REALLY like myself and my values. So can it be low self esteem if I think I’m alright?? What is it? It needs to stop as all that happens is heartbreak after heartbreak and I’m so sick of it.

Thanks.

Hmm. I was like this for a long time. My dad was/is not emotionally available and I had no real relationship with him.

Sorry for the psych 101 theory but I definitely think it’s related, in my case anyway.

carolina21
I’m a very happy person. I’m sad that I don’t have a fulfilling relationship but have no complaints about the rest of my life.

I feel like I do respect myself. I don’t give my heart away easily. I haven’t had many physical relationships.

If you don't have child don't post on a parenting forum about sleeping with the father of someone else's child

carolina21 did you read my post. I said that I didn’t have a physical relationship with him.

You mentioned that you didn't grow up with parents who modelled a healthy relationship. That's probably part of it. Anything you saw happen that was unpleasant (if anything) you're trying to avoid.

'I'’m also very chilled out and hate confrontation which makes matters worse. I wonder if some guys do what they can get away with and I let them get away with more than I should. What do you think?'

Don't see hating confrontation as being 'chilled out.' Being chilled out doesn't mean you let people walk all over you- there are limits. If you stand up for yourself, you're not doing something bad or 'uncool.'

I agree that if you let someone treat you like crap, or give them the impression you're desperate for their affection etc, they'll know they can treat you however they want.

I like unavailable men, too! Part of it might be my parent's marriage wasn't good, so I want to avoid being 'trapped.'

carolina21 I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

When I was very young and just getting into the dating game. I saw an very overweight woman. Who was gorgeous. Really stunning. But it was at a time when it seemed very down on men who dated larger women (I mean it’s not really got any better. Look at tess holiday and the piers Morgan thing). She oozed self confidence and the guys flocked to her. Literally crawled just to be next to her. I became friends with this girl and it hit me. Guys love girls who are confident. They really do. Men I think want to feel safe and secure and for some reason. Men love it. My husband has always said one of my most attractive features to him was how ruthless I am with men. As in I won’t ever give a guy a second chance if he did me wrong. I think highly of myself and I don’t ever suffer with jealousy (weird I know. But it’s almost like I don’t have the attributes to feel that emotion). Something else my husband says he finds attractive.

Love yourself. Because if you don’t. Then no one else will and trust me. It’s very true.

Thanks Interestedwoman.
My parents didn’t really have much of a relationship. They coexisted but didn’t communicate about anything. Both parents had further relationships after divorcing. My Mum’s were short lived. My Dad’s was much longer but they argued a lot.

Sounds like a sexual thing to me. Like you can't feel enough desire for someone if they don't have an 'edge'.

That’s an interesting point satanstoenailsandwich

I'm don't mean to come across as blunt or unfeeling for your situation. I think maybe I'm giving you another perspective?

This guy you're now involved with, the one you get a high from. It sounds like addiction to me! You'll accept the crumbs to get the contact with him...it sounds painful. It's all on his terms it sounds like and he has the power. Do you find you give your power away because of fear of being alone? By accepting crumbs...well you're letting him know you'll accept crumbs, so why does he need to make an effort. Although to be honest, if he treats you like that, why would you want to be with him? (Rhetorical question)

I think the setting boundary thing is knowing your worth and what you will and won't accept. Knowing you'll be okay on your own - knowing that you would rather stick to your bottom line and be on your own than accept being an after thought.

The journey to get to that state of being, I don't know...but I wonder if you've had therapy before to explore this relationship issue.

Out of curiosity, why does the current guy only give you crumbs...what is his excuse for this?

I know that it might sound ridiculous but I’m not sure whether I know how I’m supposed to be treated

But you clearly do, as you're articulating what they've done wrong. You just put up with it and take it. It's why you do that that you're struggling with.

It sounds like you have poor boundaries, are needy and lack self respect to me. Anyone who didn't have these issues would simply for example not get involved with a man who told you he was getting back with his ex, they'd say ok good luck and walk.

You keep saying how you have these amazing connections, which are clearly unreciprocated by the men who don't feel the same about you. It's like you're romanticising it and creating a fantasy in your head, believing anything they will tell you and turning it into some doomed love story.

But instead of saying I know when they are treating me like shite and take it, why am I taking it, you're saying, oh I am so empathetic, kind, and thoughtful that I understand why they do it and my connections are just so amazing, etc etc.

It's honestly a bit weird op. Like some kind of walter Mitty thing.