Found my partner has an active profile on swingers site

[StaceyRavis]

Hi guys first time posting so not even sure if this is the right thread - but here goes...

My OH & I have been together for 5yrs and are just about to start IVF treatment due to OH recent infertility diagnosis.
Whilst on holiday a few days ago he was showing me something on his phone and a link for FabSwingers came up in the search bar. Of course I was horrified and confronted him straight away.

To be fair, he was quite honest and upfront with me - he said he uses it as porn because he prefers to look at 'real people' instead of staged porn. He admitted there was 1 message in his sent box which he had sent to a woman that travels around the country, and the message said "may meet ya when you come to my home town". He says he wrote that msg whilst he was doing his business and never actually intended to meet the woman. Apparently it was just a fantasy type thing at the time with no intention to meet and he says he forgot all about the msg afterwards.

He opened his FabSwingers account and let me look right through it. There were no pictures or any other messages on there at all, other than the message in the sent box which he had confessed about.

He was mortified and said he felt really embarrassed and knew that it was wrong and he deleted the account right away in front of me. He's been very upset and ashamed the last few days since all of this.

But just today I found an email in his mailbox dated 3yrs ago stating he signed up to a different swinging site in 2017 - a year after we got together. I've confronted him about this and again he's upset/ashamed and says he used it just for porn purposes.

He swears blind he's never met anyone from these sites and I am kind of inclined to believe him?
AIBU? Or am I being a mug?
Thankyou for taking the time to read. Heads in a mess right now. Xx

You’re being a mug!

The porn thing doesn’t sound very likely to me. Sorry op. Especially the message. While situation sounds like a bit of a head fuck.

Don’t do the IVF!

Given that he admitted it straight away, owned it, and didn’t try to dismiss it or you as nothing, then let you look through everything and deleted whilst you watched, I would probably be inclined to believe him too, OP. But then I often wonder if I’m too trusting sometimes! And the fact he didn’t admit the previous sign up when confronted with this one isn’t on either.

Has he ever given you reason to be suspicious of anything before?

Meant to add, what exactly does he say he usss as porn? Do users post videos, reviews of experiences, what?

@butterandbread No he's never given me any reason AT ALL to be suspicious of him! He's the most loving loyal (or so i thought) caring kind man who's always looked after me and showed me and made me feel loved. This is why this is such a shock! Seems out of character for him which is why I could be inclined to believe it's a fantasy type thing.

I've looked on the site myself and also set up an account of my own to check the content and it's very much like a porn site aka LOTS of naughty pics of men women couples etc. I can see why it would be used as porn but the fact that the option to meet etc exists makes me very uneasy.

I have confided in a male friend who says he's been active on the site for 6yrs purely for porn purposes and has never met anyone on it, so? Unsure what to think x

Yeah... I would exercise caution OP but I would also be inclined to believe him? Did his response seem genuine? Non verbal cues are so important for figuring out this sort of thing.
I can totally imagine this sort of thing being used as porn. I'm sure I've done similar, nobody is perfect. Commenters are sooo quick to suggest he is pulling the wool over your eyes but people do funny things when horny!

Just keep an eye out OP.

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t be able to trust him, especially after the message he sent. I think he would be very up for sexual liaisons

@Islandermum Thankyou :) yes his responses seemed genuine to me. He is a pretty terrible liar tbh and I can normally tell right away if he's not being truthful just from his body language and the look on his face.

On this occasion my gut instinct is telling me that what he's saying is the truth and from what I've seen (site content etc) I'm inclined to believe that what he's told me is the case.

I just don't want to be 'that mug'. I've never been cheated on in past relationships (thankfully) and I honestly believe it his not in my OH nature to do so - but you never truly know someone 100%, which is scary.

OP if he is telling the truth, how do you feel about him sending that message to another woman? I personally could not overlook that. Even with no intention to meet. That would be enough of an infidelity.

Tricky.

What does your gut say?

My best friend is a guy and he is single and I know he uses sites like this - we have spoken about it before. He certainly doesn’t meet them. He has zero interest in meeting - he just likes the voyeurism of seeing ‘real people’.

Your OH could well be telling the truth. What I would do is really 1 lay down the law and say if you so much as get a whiff of him having considered meeting things will be over 2 ask to have a look at his phone / computer to put your mind at rest 3 put IVF off for the time being until you feel trust is restored.

Fabswingers user here - if you go on the forums, have a look at the amount of men complaining about not being able to get a meet. Men have to put in a lot of work to get a meet because they outnumber women around 9:1. Did he have a profile properly set up with photos and a bio or was it a blank profile? LOTS of men use it just to look at the photos or watch the cams or chat on the forums. If he's being so open then I'd be inclined to believe him.

However skewed tinder and the like is for men, it's about 100 times worse on sites like this. Even if he were actively trying to meet women, the odds of him actually doing it are vanishingly slim and I can definitely understand doing it for porn purposes.

Darling,
I’m sorry to break it to you but his pulling your leg.

His a full blown swinger.

I use some similar sites and there would definitely have to be much more messages if he was really going to meet someone as pp said. He has been honest to you about the message that was there and there arent any more. He probably sent it as part of a fantasy he was having and no follow up. He knows you're not happy and he feels uncomfortable. Would you feel comfortable to look at some pictures with him? I don't know that site particularly but a lot of the profiles will be married people or people in a relationship. Single man profiles get very few hits, if they have no pictures or description i would be very surprised if it would get any hits at all.

I meant: married people or people in a relationship who want to do things together, not for cheating. People I know do things as a couple but are anti-cheating on each other and not interested in other partners who are cheating as well.

He's given you some answers. But only after you'd already discovered the jist of it. Doesn't really count as being honest. He got busted.

He is a swinger. Or wants to be. Not sure I'd want to bring a child into a relationship where there had been a secret like this going on for a long while. I bet you don't even know the half of it TBH.

I use that website.

Before he deleted the profile did you click on manage verifications ?
As he could of had some and decided to hide them from the main page so wouldn’t of shown up on his profile.

I would actually be inclined to believe him if he came clean and that was the single and only message.

I’m a member of a poly group on Facebook, because I’m curious about the whole thing. I may have commented once or twice but have never private messages anyone or intended to “do” anything. I’m just a weirdo who likes flicking through people’s ads.

I know it’s not the same thing but not everything shows intention to cheat. That said, DH knows I’m on the group! He needs to be more honest with you.

Sounds believable enough but more likely to be a fantasy than just looking at porn. You can get real people in action on porn sites whereas these are pretty much just pictures. I wouldn’t end a relationship over it but would be on my guard.

Even if you believe him, I would hold off on the IVF for a bit just to be sure

Whether you believe him or not there are clearly some serious trust issues here, OP.

How do you feel about it now you've found out?

Surely there are tonnes of amateur videos that he could have accessed without expressly signing up to a site designed to connect people. Sounds like bullshit to me I’m sorry OP but I don’t think that means he has cheated or even would. But I don’t think it’s a great sign for the longevity of your relationship - clearly swinging is his thing and I would be concerned that he could only commit to monogamy for so long before his fantasies got the better of him. Not an ideal relationship to bring a baby into.

clearly swinging is his thing

I opened an account on Fabswingers but I'm not a swinger, nor do I want to be. I opened it out of curiosity because I wanted to see what kind of people swing. That is all.

Name change...

I'm male and I use similar sites as 'porn' but would never seek to meet (neither have I sent anyone a message). I prefer to look at images of women that are posted by the woman themself, for their own enjoyment, rather than mainstream pornography where exploitation and abuse are more likely to be issues.