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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who’s fault is this- birthday invite

43 replies

Northmumof2 · 04/11/2019 18:45

Party taking place for 1 year old
Background-
DD ‘ father ‘ never really did much and walked out about 2.5 months ago - used cocaine etc all round useless. Has seen her occasionally since but not much contact
His mother called round 3 weeks ago. She hasn’t been very hands on since DD birth either- has never offered help- but will post plenty of pictures on Facebook

So 3 weeks ago- the last time we saw her which was also the first time in 6 weeks. I said I’m having a party for DD this time this place on this day, I said I might change the start time depending on an important match.. but I’m not sure yet. Are you coming ? Yes I’ll come.

Fast forward to party day- I haven’t heard off DD grandmother. Her dad asked me if she was attending ( he wasn’t invited for very different reasons which he was fine with ) I said I have no idea she’s not been in touch.
I then get a message telling I never confirmed the time so she won’t be attending as I clearly wasn’t bothered about her being there. And in turn have ruined her granddaughters first birthday.

I mean.. have I ? I guess I could have messaged chasing her up, but did I have to?
Her son left us in an awful position - has that be my son done that to someone who is raising my granddaughter id have done everything possible to help, support and be involved.
I feel like I have to ‘ apologise ‘ but I really can’t work out if I’m in the wrong

OP posts:

Boom45 · 04/11/2019 18:48

If she cared at all she would've asked, ignore her and enjoy the party.

formerbabe · 04/11/2019 18:48

Sorry, I think you should probably have just sent her a confirmation text

Purpleartichoke · 04/11/2019 18:50

Common courtesy would be to send her a time confirmation. I’m not surprised she is offended.

LittleLongDog · 04/11/2019 18:51

I think you needed to confirm it. But she equally could have and should put it aside for the sake of her grandchild.

Batqueen · 04/11/2019 18:52

Nothing stopping her from asking. Yes you could have confirmed, but you didn’t ruin anything and you have nothing to apologise for. If she cared that much she’d have asked.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/11/2019 18:52

You invited her but didn't confirm. Sorry but I think you should have updated her.

Original poster

Northmumof2 · 04/11/2019 18:52

Sorry I should have confirmed- when I said the time could be subject to change I said if it did I’d let everyone know but if not it’s this time this day

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 04/11/2019 18:53

Well that was a drip and a half!

Davespecifico · 04/11/2019 18:55

Yes you should have confirmed. But, and a big but, there was absolutely no need for her to take offence, she could have just checked with you.

She’s turned it into a drama for whatever reason, which is a bit rich when you think what her son has out you through.

Just don’t let her draw you into the drama. Do a nice breezy apology and see as little as you can of her.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/11/2019 18:58

Say I'm sorry you were mistaken I said I would let you know of the time had changed?

slipperywhensparticus · 04/11/2019 18:58

If! Not of!

lynzpynz · 04/11/2019 19:00

Separating out the ex DP from this situation and looking solely at the party - is she incapable of contacting to clarify with you the time?! She sounds a total drama queen, her loss if she won't come. Yes you could have messaged the time but there's no need for her nonsense at all. Leace her to her sulk and make DDs party lovely, don't forget to post lots of pics on fb

Wizzbangpop · 04/11/2019 19:11

I think even with the drip feed I think yabu. It doesn't take much to send a quick text to confirm the details

NoSauce · 04/11/2019 19:11

Does she care about your DD? From how you post it doesn’t seem that way because she hasn’t helped out etc but it’s not a given that she should have to but if she loves DD and is a good grandmother then yes you should have sent a text.

If she’s a complete waste of space and just posts on FB how amazing her GD then you shouldn’t have.

Original poster

Northmumof2 · 04/11/2019 19:14

no she has never particularly bothered, never asks how DD is or sees her , I can count on my hands the amount of times she’s spent time with her. I have tried previously inviting her to view nursery’s and go for a walk etc even asked her to watch her for short periods of time. So it just felt like abit of a kick that I offered an olive branch of an invite in my eyes and then had it turned round to make me look bad !
But I do appreciate everyone’s views I probably will apologise now I see other sides!

OP posts:

autumn2203 · 04/11/2019 19:20

You don't need to apologise, she is perfectly capable of double checking the time of the party.

Instatwat · 04/11/2019 19:22

50/50 blame in my opinion. I’d have tried to be the bigger person and confirmed though.

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 04/11/2019 19:25

There is not other side’

You said you’d let her know IF you had to change the time, you didn’t change the time so you didn’t need to do anything. You could have confirmed, but you didn’t need to. She could have checked but she didn’t bother.

She doesn’t bother with DD. - let her sulk and stop doing any of the chasing. You’ll be better off without that drama llama in your life, you don’t need more hassle. Her Dad sounds like enough trouble as it is - and I wouldn’t encourage contact there either.

Children need stable, loving caring adults in their life, it’s not a numbers game and she doesn’t need her Dad /Grandmother if they don’t act like decent people, she really doesn’t and neither do you 🌷

She’s 1 - celebrate with people who love & support you and DD x

wineisnecessary · 04/11/2019 19:25

She is , sounds to me she never wanted to go but has blamed you .
You invited her but didn't follow up she should of done that .
It's not your fault just ignore sounds like a difficult situation where they want to make out your the unreasonable one.

NoSauce · 04/11/2019 19:25

Nah don’t worry it about then OP. She’s sounds airy fairy.

JasonPollack · 04/11/2019 19:26

She could have doubled checked if she was bothered, you've a lot on organising the party! She obviously just wants to be huffy.

KanelbulleKing · 04/11/2019 19:31

I don't think YABU. If I'm expecting to go somewhere and I'm not sure of the time I message the organiser and ask. I'm sure an interested grandma would do the same.

Bluerussian · 04/11/2019 19:34

Silly woman, she really cannot be so daft. What others have said re her asking you for a confirmation of starting time. I mean, as you invited her, she would have known she was welcome otherwise you wouldn't have issued an invitation.

I wonder why she is being defensive now - there must be a reason (some of which might be guilt being as it was her son to whom you were married).

As for your one year old, Northmum, babies are not aware that a party is being organised for their first birthday but will enjoy it regardless of a grandparent being missing.

Hope everything works out and that peace reigns.

VenusTiger · 04/11/2019 19:35

So the day was the same but the time may have been altered, and that you’d let her know if the time changed - she didn’t hear from you, she knew the time and date, I’m with you OP. She’s a grown woman and a grandmother, if she was confused by the time she should’ve contacted you as you were kind of busy organising a party.
IMO she’s being difficult in order to make a point that she still exists (when it suits her). Can’t you reiterate the invite conversation to her, that you said you’d let her know if you would change the time.
I wouldn’t expect the party host to call round all the guests, I’d call you myself or else turn up at the agreed original time.

daisypond · 04/11/2019 19:35

She is clearly unreasonable. You didn’t need to follow up, because you would only maybe needed to have done that if the time had changed, which it hadn’t.

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