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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who’s fault is this- birthday invite

43 replies

Northmumof2 · 04/11/2019 18:45

Party taking place for 1 year old
Background-
DD ‘ father ‘ never really did much and walked out about 2.5 months ago - used cocaine etc all round useless. Has seen her occasionally since but not much contact
His mother called round 3 weeks ago. She hasn’t been very hands on since DD birth either- has never offered help- but will post plenty of pictures on Facebook

So 3 weeks ago- the last time we saw her which was also the first time in 6 weeks. I said I’m having a party for DD this time this place on this day, I said I might change the start time depending on an important match.. but I’m not sure yet. Are you coming ? Yes I’ll come.

Fast forward to party day- I haven’t heard off DD grandmother. Her dad asked me if she was attending ( he wasn’t invited for very different reasons which he was fine with ) I said I have no idea she’s not been in touch.
I then get a message telling I never confirmed the time so she won’t be attending as I clearly wasn’t bothered about her being there. And in turn have ruined her granddaughters first birthday.

I mean.. have I ? I guess I could have messaged chasing her up, but did I have to?
Her son left us in an awful position - has that be my son done that to someone who is raising my granddaughter id have done everything possible to help, support and be involved.
I feel like I have to ‘ apologise ‘ but I really can’t work out if I’m in the wrong

OP posts:

BackforGood · 04/11/2019 19:40

I agree with most - you should have confirmed.

All that said, if I were her, when I hadn't heard, I'd have asked you.

Leeds2 · 04/11/2019 19:42

If it had been me, I think I would have confirmed the details once the time was definite. Had I been her, I would've texted you to check the details.
I don't think you owe her an apology, and you certainly haven't ruined your DD's birthday.

officeslave1 · 04/11/2019 19:45

Don’t apologise. She could have rang to double check. Don’t fall in to the trap of pandering and double guessing yourself. I have a mil like this

Just ignore it and have a great day.

BeanTownNancy · 04/11/2019 19:57

Nah. You've got a kid to look after, a party to plan and multiple people coming - it's not beyond the realms of possibility that, with the best will in the world, you could have forgotten to confirm the party time with someone. She only had to send one text if she really wanted to come.

If you'd remembered/realised and decided to vindictively not tell her, that would be unreasonable, but it was an honest mistake so don't beat yourself up.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 04/11/2019 20:10

I think she could have easily sent a text saying, just checking party is still on ?? Date at ?? Time, is there anything I can do to help or bring, really looking forward to being part of “baby’s name” 1st birthday” Its not difficult!
Her loss!! Enjoy your special day your baby turning 1 is a wonderful thing 🌸

isitpossibleto · 04/11/2019 20:13

She sounds like an emotional manipulator who expects everyone to run around after her needs and her feelings. I like to call this type of person ‘professionally offended’. Just respond with ‘oh, that’s a shame you misunderstood. See you another time’.

Bluetrews25 · 04/11/2019 20:14

You have not ruined her birthday, FGS, at 1 yo she won't understand it or remember. And if GM wanted to attend, she could easily have asked you to remind her of the start time. but then she might have had to do some helping out, cooking, supervising etc
I think you're putting in all the effort, which is admirable, but, perhaps it's time to let them get off their arses. But I suspect they won't. Sorry.

gingerscot · 04/11/2019 20:17

Nah, don’t set a precedent of pandering. A “no worries, DD will have a fab time, really looking forward to it.” And ignore the rest. The only one missing out is her. I never pander to sulkers or drama queens.

Clangus00 · 04/11/2019 20:18

You should've confirmed.
She should've asked.
No one has ruined anyone's birthday.
I'd just leave her be.

JohnCRaven · 04/11/2019 20:19

You can be sorry if there was a misunderstanding without taking responsibility for making a mistake. That might be how I'd word it?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/11/2019 20:22

Presuming your exMIL is an adult without any additional communication needs and that you are reasonably contactable via a phone/have a letterbox, then there's no reason why she couldn't have confirmed the times if she was at all unsure. You said you'd tell her if anything changed, so she should either expect the party to go ahead as planned, or double check with you if she didn't want to just turn up and risk it.

You've not done anything wrong and you've not ruined your DD's birthday party. In fact it seems like you'll be less stressed without exMIL there.

chamenanged · 04/11/2019 20:23

she won’t be attending as I clearly wasn’t bothered about her being there. And in turn have ruined her granddaughters first birthday.

Does she mean ruined it for her? Surely she's not so arrogant as to think her absence would have ruined it for your DD. And yeah, I'd be making it clear you weren't that bothered about her being there.

Ponoka7 · 04/11/2019 20:24

Speaking as a Grandmother she needs to grow the fuck up.

She should have text you to check the time.

It would have been nice if you had have made an invitation to resend on WhatsApp nearer the time, but anyone who wanted to be there, would have checked.

Whatsername7 · 04/11/2019 20:29

My mil, whilst she has her faults, would have been texting me continually checking and double checking the details. If she wanted to come, she would have checked. Her not being there will not ruin your baby's first birthday.

namechange4052 · 04/11/2019 20:34

I know exactly what ex MIL is doing.

She's a half arsed grandparent who doesn't really want to help or get involved, but cares about how others perceive her (hence all the social media posts depicting her as hands on nanny). So, she is going to make up her own narrative which will be: 'oh, I am so desperate to be part of DC's life. If only mean, horrible OP didn't push me out and stop me from being involved'. Therefore upholding her caring nanny persona without putting any effort in with DC.

mellicauli · 04/11/2019 20:34

She obviously just got a better offer and needed an excuse for her rudeness. Her loss.

shrutefarm · 04/11/2019 20:45

God don't apologise! The apple doesn't fall far from the tree op. If she was that bothered she would've just asked.

corpsebrid3 · 04/11/2019 20:47

No the party has not been ruined.

If you had the mental space and time, an update for her would have been the right thing but you've got your hands full. She should know that and be okay with nudging you or checking if plans have changed.

I'd take this as a sign of things to come and make sure you show on Facebook what a great time was had by all and how the day was far from ruined. It's your DD, you enjoy her!

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