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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that single parenthood is perceived as absolutely shit?

38 replies

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/11/2019 14:31

There are so many women that stay in unhappy, cheating, abusive relationships because they don't want to be a single parent.
I suppose as a single parent, I don't get it. I love it--complete independence, no feelings of fear, lack of trust or unhappiness caused by a so-called partner, my life, my finances are my own. I find single parenthood really positive, for the most part.
I realise this is just my experience but, I would hope that a single parent with, say, five kids and a shit partner, might still prefer parenting solo.

And, yet, reading some of the relationship threads, some of the crap women will put up, I find disheartening. Putting up with cheating, financial abuse, domestic abuse, emotional etc. I know some struggle to leave (finances, battered spouse syndrome) and I know many stay for the children--not believing that in the long run, children will be happier in a home that isn't toxic.
It's just that I read the "I don't want to end up a single parent"as a reason to stay in a bad relationship and I think WTF.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2019 14:36

I think a lot of the time on here the woman stays for financial reasons. There is very often that little sentence of "I can't afford it" in there.

I think if financially independent enough to manage , most women would go for single parent hood versus stay in a shit relationship.

Ijustwanttoretire · 04/11/2019 14:38

Oh I agree! I ended up being a single parent because I came to the conclusion that staying with a manipulative alcoholic (although we didn't live together) OH would be worse than being a SP with no family support. And I was right. What a relief! The freedom! I was on benefits so it was hard, don't get me wrong, but easier than pussyfooting around frightened to say the wrong thing. An abusive relationship - of any kind - is NEVER better than being a single parent.

Doyoumind · 04/11/2019 14:41

I think finances and fear of the unknown keep women there. It is difficult to leave a relationship for some people. I stayed longer than I should have because I didn't know what would happen about my DC and was worried about them being in my abusive ex's care. He has also hugely knocked my confidence with his abuse and gaslighting.

I like being a single parent but I had always been a very independent person. Occasionally I do feel the weight of having to make all decisions and manage the household alone but I wouldn't change it.

Imtootired · 04/11/2019 14:48

Yes I agree I don’t have a problem being a single parent I think there are loads of positives to it. I guess people choose to stay in relationships for different reasons, maybe some to do with their own family history and other times because the partner manipulates them and maybe is threatening and abusive. I definitely don’t think it’s a good thing to stay in a bad relationship just because you don’t want to be a single parent. Maybe it’s got something to do with the way single mums are vilified in the media

Original poster

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/11/2019 14:48

I know finances trap many women in these situations. It's more the women that can leave/kick out partner but don't (or haven't yet) and play the 'don't want to be a single parent' card as if it's the worse thing imaginable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/11/2019 14:51

Yes, single mothers are still stigmatised whereas singles dads are not. (Whole other thread.)

OP posts:

EssentialHummus · 04/11/2019 14:55

I agree with PP that it (the perception) boils down to finances a lot of the time.

Orangeblossom78 · 04/11/2019 14:55

I wonder how much childhood experiences can play into this also. I had a horrible time with my parents divorce as a young teen. But is was a bad one- badmouthing each other and issues around that, I guess a better divorce might have been easier.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/11/2019 14:56

I feel the same and FWIW when I left my ex I had no job and no money.

The way some people on MN talk about divorce it's like it's the worst thing in the world, putting up with infidelity and crap husbands so as not to "break up the family." I find it strange.

But then I am hugely independent and always have been, I actively enjoy life without a partner so I do struggle to understand people who don't.

ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies · 04/11/2019 14:57

My mum told me she didn't chuck my dad out because of the stigma of being a one parent family.

I often think how happy she would probably be if she hasn't spent her entire life walking on eggshells round him.

AnnaNimmity · 04/11/2019 15:01

I think, when you have children, you stay (or at least I did) in a relationship for longer than you should - not because you fear being a single parent, but because you want it to work out for your children. you don't want them to be from a broken home. There's a feeling that you've somehow failed them if you aren't in a lovely 2-parent family. I certainly felt that.

But yes, agree it's much better than being in a shit or even mediocre marriage/relationship. And too many people put up with really abusive relationships because they think it's better for the children to stay married.

And I know a lot of people who put up with sexless/loveless but perfectly amicable relationships intending to leave when the kids are 18. That sucks I think. (for the child and the adults - and of course they all know).

JulietakaIris · 04/11/2019 15:02

Agree. I'm a single parent and have been for ten years. Being married and "parenting" with my ex was a diabolical experience that left me with life long fragile mental health. I think many people in abusive relationships imagine it will be much worse and much harder being single but that has not been my experience. I do think that some people are very co dependent and terrified of being alone. Also agree that shaky finances keeps a lot of people stuck. If you've a big mortgage and lots of outgoings eg private school I can see how it would feel a lot harder to get out than it was for me in a rental property and not much money to begin with.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/11/2019 15:03

Oh and as a child of divorce myself - most kids are fine. About 50% of children come from divorced families, we can't all be fucked up for life!

BrassTactical · 04/11/2019 15:04

Yep I agree, it has its downsides like never getting a break, being judged, being asked 1000x if you are getting them a new dad yet, men assuming you NEED a new dad when dating

But I have total autonomy on parenting, what I do with my free time, financial independence and future life planning and no arguments/treading on egg shells.

Also I find the biggest positive is the lack of expectation, that feeling of frustration and disappointment when the other person doesn’t step up. Well that’s gone, it’s on me.

Mintjulia · 04/11/2019 15:09

I agree that single mum life is great. The relief!

I think most women stay because they have nowhere to go or because they are genuinely frightened of their ex’s reaction if they leave or because they think they should stay for the sake of the children.

I was one of the only single mums at ds’s primary school. I regularly had other mums asking me about wraparound care because they were considering leaving and didn’t see how it could work.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 09:13

Looking back on how things were for me when my parents divorced, it was definitely more damaging the fighting and talking badly about each other, and the general stress of it all rather than the actual reality of them living apart.

If it had been done less dramatically and involved us less (big drama over kicking him out after an affair, lots of slogan him off to us and each other looking to the children for emotional support) it would have been OK.

So maybe it is not so much about the 'being a single parent' than the lack of stability over the breakup. I'm sure we should have been happier in a more stable single parent home from the start perhaps...especially if seeing the other parent in an organised, planned way.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 05/11/2019 09:19

When my children were small I found it incredibly hard. It was relentless. I had depression and life was just a repetition of the same day over and over again with no partner to come home in the evenings and give me a break. It was awful. But still much better than parenting with an abusive partner. Now they’re older it’s so much easier. I would love another child but will never do that alone again. It’s far too hard. The next child I have I will have with a fully supportive, engaged partner.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 10:09

Yes support is important isn't it when the children are small. The singe parent families I know often seem to have some support from their mothers / parents, but that is not the case for all especially if living away. I guess if the father can take the children at weekends that is also helpful

Whattodoabout · 05/11/2019 10:37

It’s usually finances. If they’re tied into a mortgage with their partner/spouse it complicates things, it also does if they’re a SAHM or don’t earn very much. I guess fear of being alone is a big thing for some people too, my Mother is like this. She would rather have anyone than be on her own, even if they’re an absolute bastard. I am not like this, I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than have to deal with a prick every day.

pinkblushrose · 05/11/2019 10:42

Sigh.

Ok, MUMSNET doesn’t think being single is shit.

Mn thinks being single is getting to do whatever you want, having a bed to yourself, I won’t list the rest.

Here is the real reason. COST. MONEY.

user1483387154 · 05/11/2019 10:43

I got out of my abusive marriage but yes ... being a single parent is shit if you dont have great finances or a huge support from friends and family.

QueenOfOversharing · 05/11/2019 10:45

Agreed! I've been a single parent (or solo, or whatever term is for zero contact with ex & his family) for 21 years, since I was 5 months pregnant.

The one time I do feel resentful or "alone" in it was when my son was in & out of hospital, having surgery & treatment. But my ex could never be "that parent" due to horrific violence.

I admit I get a bit narked at ppl (finances notwithstanding) saying single parenthood must be the worst. It's not easy sometimes, but we've done fine. I don't need your pity!

SummerPavillion · 05/11/2019 10:47

The women in the worst position are those that stay due to fear of their dc having to spend time with an abusive man alone, without her there to protect them.

God awful situation, my heart goes out to these women.

Buyitinbamboo · 05/11/2019 10:56

I agree. I had a conversation with a friend recently who said she couldn't guarantee her DH hadn't cheated but it wouldn't matter anyway as she would stay now they have children. I find this really sad.

My mum kicked my dad out when she found out about his an affair and to be honest it left her with debt for many years but she still says it's the best thing she's ever done. I had a happy childhood and she admits parenting was easier when she didn't have to run the day to day things past my dad.

fromnowhere · 05/11/2019 10:57

Lots of reasons to stay, most importantly the idea of losing your kids 50% of the time is horrific for most parents. I donvt doubt myself and my husband have stuck through some shitty bits of our marriage because neither of us could bear the alternative. We have a pretty average marriage, sometimes it's great, sometimes it's not. If there was abuse, I would have to leave, but there's no denying I would view it as a last resort because of sharing custody and the impact it would have on my kids both emotionally and financially.
FYI, I'd bloody love to live on my own without a partner to have to compromise for all the time, but it's not all about me. I think that's why a lot of women (and men) stay.

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