To think that single parenthood is perceived as absolutely shit?

[Lifeisabeach09]

There are so many women that stay in unhappy, cheating, abusive relationships because they don't want to be a single parent.
I suppose as a single parent, I don't get it. I love it--complete independence, no feelings of fear, lack of trust or unhappiness caused by a so-called partner, my life, my finances are my own. I find single parenthood really positive, for the most part.
I realise this is just my experience but, I would hope that a single parent with, say, five kids and a shit partner, might still prefer parenting solo.

And, yet, reading some of the relationship threads, some of the crap women will put up, I find disheartening. Putting up with cheating, financial abuse, domestic abuse, emotional etc. I know some struggle to leave (finances, battered spouse syndrome) and I know many stay for the children--not believing that in the long run, children will be happier in a home that isn't toxic.
It's just that I read the "I don't want to end up a single parent"as a reason to stay in a bad relationship and I think WTF.

I think it is shit compared with co-parenting with a partner who either earns a decent wage or supports you in terms of childcare to earn a decent wage, who pulls their weight with childcare, who supports you emotionally, who is good company, who enhances your life.

But it is absolutely a step up from living with somebody who is a drain on your resources, doesn't pull their weight, endangers the children (and/or you), makes your life a misery, etc. But they don't go away, they just get diluted. It's better, but they aren't gone.

Most of the shitness of being a lone parent is having to deal with a complete shit for an ex or the total absence of another reasonable parent - because if they were decent and reasonable and pulled their weight, you are many many times less likely to split up in the first place.

It's objectively hard to earn enough to support a family while dealing with and/or paying for 100% of childcare, it's objectively hard to be the only parent without ever getting a break, it's objectively hard to stand by and watch a dickhead consistently let your children down.

If you're in the incredibly rare position of separated parenting with a decent ex OR totally separately from your ex but with other support, then it can be just as good or even better than parenting within a supportive relationship. IME.

YANBU I'm a single parent and my DS and I have never known anything different.

I've broken someone's heart and had my heart broken and there is no way I will be in either position again.

I was shocked at speaking to a Mum friend recently who admitted that her DH and her didn't like each other anymore, argued a lot but wouldn't separate because they felt they had to stay together. What a sad way for that whole family to live.
I do think there is a difference though between being a completely single parent (i.e. my DS has no contact with his father and he doesn't provide any maintenance) and situations where you are relying on the other parent for money or juggling access etc. That must be incredibly difficult.

being a single parent is shit if you dont have great finances or a huge support from friends and family

I had no family support whatsoever and was on benefits. It still wasn't shit.

I'm not a single mum now but I was to my eldest for a long time, I loved it, I found it easier than been with her dad, he was a lazy sod who only made my life harder, leaving him was the best thing I ever did, it was like a weight was lifted. I was shit scared of been a single parent at first but I loved it, I enjoyed it just been the two of us, I loved not having to 'answer' to anyone, my house was my own and I was really happy.

And another plus is, now I'm in another relationship and have another DC, I know if things go sour, I'm more than happy to be on my own, i won't stay for the sake of it, I know I'm capable, I know I can easily parent alone. It's given me a lot of confidence knowing I don't need anyone.

I stayed in my marriage far too long due to not wanting to give up on my dream, and fear for my dc's emotional wellbeing.

Also I thought it would break xh's heart (though in retrospect he wouldn't have been that bothered - the whole problem was his total neglect of me, which I was largely in denial about).

The dc seem fine, though I expect the proof will be how they feel as adults, looking back.

I know a few single mums. They all have one child. They are content, they don’t have any interest in meeting a partner because their child fulfils any maternal needs and they need that child as much as the child needs their mother.

I wonder though if there are two or more children if that contentment is still there. Twice the emotional and financial burden. And it makes the idea of single parenthood harder?

Hmm see I only see This opinion on here. Everyone I know irl finds being a single mum a struggle. My ex was rubbish but now he doesn’t see the kids at all so I literally do it all alone, he also doesn’t Pay a penny so yeh it is shit and I hate that I’m left to do it all alone. Maybe you might feel different if your ex has the kids regularly and pays maintenance but for alot of people it IS shit.

I have two children and I'm a single parent. It can be hard as I have no family support but I love it.
My DCs have far more choice and we have a great life, we're a great team, democratic decisions etc. A man would completely change the dynamic and there's no way I'm going being even slightly controlled or having to princess around a man. Sod that, no need for botox or acrylics or endless self maintenance for me! (Not that I'm not respectably dressed and proud of my appearance, mind you!). I much prefer it.

Semi-shit for me! Xh has them 2 nights a week, so I have a bit of downtime, but pays no maintenance.

I am angry he was such a rubbish husband. I wanted to parent together in the same house.

Overall not a struggle, but far from ideal.

My single parenting has definitely become a million times easier since my ex stopped seeing them altogether. He’s entirely absent now and pays no support and tbh it’s bliss. DCs behaviours have improved dramatically, our home is so peaceful. No-one is being let down by him, being emotionally abused by him, hearing poison about their mother (I’ve never uttered a negative word about him to my DC ever). My children have opened up recently about what it was like at his house and what he was doing and I’m praying he never decides to interfere in their lives ever again.

I've seen single parents who struggle and I've seen single parents who don't (the latter usually due to maintenance and a good co-parenting arrangement).
I'm a bit in the middle--I have struggled financially and I have zero support from ex, financial and otherwise. I would not change it.
Struggle or not, single parenthood is bliss compared to a relationship with a partner who is lazy, controlling, abusive, cheating but I do understand that there are a variety of reasons women/men stay, even though they'd likely be a lot happier single.But it's the perception that single parenthood is so abhorrent that I find interesting, when for a lot of people it isn't.
@PumpkinP, would your life be better if you and ex stayed together?
@fromnowhere, sounds like you would be suited to single parenthood but you feel you don't have a strong enough reason (abuse, cheating) to end the relationship? IME, most co-parents are not 50%50% as one tends to have the kids more and, often times, kids adapt pretty well to a co-parenting relationship if the parents are amicable and fair with each other.

@PumpkinP, would your life be better if you and ex stayed together?

Yes 100% but it wasn’t my choice. He left me. The kids want a dad around aswell.

@PumpkinP,